The Rant in Our Stars
December 14, 2014 at 5:43 pm
(This post was last modified: December 14, 2014 at 5:57 pm by StealthySkeptic.)
The Fault in Our Stars Rant
From the creator of the Twilight Rant Thread, Divergent's 101 Plot Holes, and The Sexism of Laura comes an expose of THE. SINGLE. WORST. MOVIE. (At least in my opinion, until science invents a Bullshit-o-Meter and it rates so highly on that scale that all unsold copies of the movie are buried under the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste for national security reasons.
Yes, I consider The Fault in Our Stars to be worse than such polished turds as Foodfight, The Room, Jaws IV: The Revenge, and the Titanic Animated Movies (yes, those are real movies that really exist, look them up). At least those movies tried to be somewhat creative. They failed miserably in their pathetic attempt, but it was an attempt nonetheless. It seems like the majority of these YA movies coming out today are all, the, fucking, same shit, just on a different day. So the following critiques of The Fault in Our Stars apply to the same extent to a lot of these movies such as If I Stay despite me not having seen them.
Also, spoilers after this point. Not that you probably give a shit, since even renting the DVD at Redbox is too good for this crap.
1.) This movie, through the main character's narration, basically tries to tell you at the beginning that every other sappy cancer story are unrealistic, then goes the sappy and unrealistic route itself, committing seppuku on its own unintended irony.
2.) The cancer survivors in this movie, other than a few token disability props like oxygen tanks and fake legs that are obvious attempts to engender sympathy, look like they walked out of a teen heartthrob magazine. I mean, how many cancer survivors do you know who have six-packs while undergoing radiation treatment?! I've lost several family members to cancer, and the radiation does not make you toned and tanned, that's for sure. The supposedly "malnourished" yet physically fit main characters in The Hunger Games are much more realistic by comparison.
3.) The teenagers in this movie can come up with "witty" monologues on the fly. I get that this is a movie and if they talked like the girls I knew in high school, who have to put like or um in every sentence, it would get annoying fast, but not only does this movie's dialogue tell me that John Green (who wrote the novel it was based on) cannot write realistic dialogue for shit, but that his idea of how teenagers behave is that they are actually clones of 65 year old authors/pretentious faux philosophers named John Green.
4.) I said in my Divergent rant that Shailene Woodley can't act her way out of a paper bag, so it was surprising for me to hear that even critics who hated this movie were giving her performance positive reviews. Her character (whose name I forgot, so I'll just call her Shailene) is the cheesy and cliched "nihilistic cynic who falls in lurv" and loses any halfway interesting characteristics after she falls in said lurv, so half the reason is due to terrible writing. However, in general, ever since her breakout role in The Secret Life of the American Teenager (blech), Shailene Woodley has ONLY played the "average teenage girl with 'tude underneath," and not only that, she has approximately three emotions. The world's smallest violin has more range than her.
5.) One of the biggest blatant trailer grabs was the scene where Augustus Waters, the male love interest (oh come on, like you didn't know that would be the case) states the reason he buys cigarettes but never smokes them- “It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing."
a.) Doylian (outside the movie's universe) comment: The metaphor speech not only ties into 3.) where it shows just how "clever" this character supposedly is with dumb dialogue, but it the reeks of the same syndrome that runs through other "edgy" indie movies like Juno, 500 Days of Summer, Moonrise Kingdom, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World- "message-itis." Prominently featured in the "mumblecore" genre where people talk about how importantly important stuff is, it's where a movie has such a hip and with it metaphor that it needs to beat the audience half to death with it because it assumes Michael Bay Explosion Fest #70 has made us all idiots. Here's a thought indie directors- do your homework and watch movies where the message is incorporated into the plot and characterization with something called s-u-b-t-l-e-t-y. I'd recommend District 9, Elysium, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Kick-Ass, The Kings of Summer, and Snowpiercer.
b.) Watsonian (inside the movie's universe) comment: Dude, level with me here. You're a fucking cancer patient, right? Do you know that even if you don't smoke the cigarettes, by buying them you're giving money to an industry that only seeks to make a profit at the expense of creating more cancer patients every year?! I hope you enjoy contributing to the deaths of thousands of people in the same position as you so you can make your stupid-ass metaphor.
c.) He has a cigarette in his mouth in nearly ever scene he's in. We get it already! Stop screaming your one metaphor at us.
6.) Why in the hell does every movie with young kids or teens have to have idiotic parents (and in some cases an idiotic government)? I understand that if they were grounded for a week we wouldn't have a movie, but the parents are such non-entities that they might as well be replaced by cardboard cutouts whose only job is to stand in the corner and ineffectually call out stereotypical parent phrases when their button is pushed. After seeing this in Earth to Echo (aka ET ripoff + found footage) just prior to renting this movie, that makes it all the more important that YA is headed for a cliff.
7.) The only good actor in the entire film is Willem Defoe as a reclusive Dutch author who wrote a novel about cancer called An Imperial Affliction, which is one of only two books Shailene Woodley reads in this movie, the other being a book based on a video game that's recommended by Augustus Waters (because you know, everything about her character HAS to either revolve around cancer or her boyfriend.) The entire action of what little plot exists consists of Augustus Waters taking Shailene to Amsterdam to meet him, and after all this build up, he's an asshole who makes fun of kids with cancer. Of fucking course. And his "redemption" at the end where he explains that his daughter died of cancer not only makes his assholery towards Shailene and Augustus unrealistic (yes, I get he's a cynical douche, but come on), but it's yet another pitiful grab at our heartstrings. What a waste.
8.) There are two points later in the movie that infuriated me to the point of literally throwing small objects across the room as I was taking notes.
a.) I threw my pen when Augustus and Shailene had dinner together. It starts out boring and cutesy, but they turn the conversation to the subject of the afterlife. Fair enough, I thought, as they're probably going to die soon. However, when Shailene makes it clear that she only maybe believes in God and doesn't believe in the afterlife and due to her oh so edgy nihilism doesn't believe there's a point to life, Augustus goes on and on about how even though there isn't a point to life (even though he wants there to be an afterlife) he loves her anyway. Ugh. Kill me.
The crux of the problem with this scene (other than the sappy dialogue) is the philosophy extolled by this scene, and the movie. In my view there probably isn't an afterlife and science says the universe will end at some point- that doesn't mean that all life is pointless. Atheism/agnosticism/secularism in general does not automatically lead to nihilism, just as not all religious people are delusional (that is also hinted at in this movie). So why do people keep trotting out this dead horse and pretending it isn't beaten? Probably for ANGST ™. It's too real!
b.) I threw my Blu-ray remote when they visited the Anne Frank Museum and made out in it after a voiceover by a little girl playing Anne Frank. Not only that, but everybody applauded. Look, I get that cancer is a terrible disease and that after going through it you can sympathize with those who also died horribly and senselessly and realize life is short, yada yada. But this is a museum to a girl who lived in an attic for years before being gassed to death and cremated in a concentration camp in the worst genocide in recorded history, and as such is a place for contemplation and reflection, not to get busy. Show some fucking respect.
9.) Au-Fucking-Gustus Waters. There were times, my friends, when I wished for the ability to reach through the screen and strangle this pretty boy prick. As you probably have picked up on by now, everything that I previously stated was wrong with this movie- from the unrealistic good looks to the pretentious dialogue to the tear jerking ploys to the moronic "killing thing" metaphor to the shallow philosophy- is in some way connected to this guy and fueled by his actor's one note performance.
But it gets worse. It gets WAY worse. This guy insists on calling Shailene "Hazel Grace" (ah, now I remember her name!) despite how stupid calling someone by their first and middle names is, he repeatedly pressures her into a relationship even when she repeatedly rebuffs him, he has sex with her despite the fact that she has to be hooked up to oxygen (putting her life in danger for his boner), and he slowly but surely takes over nearly every aspect of her life. Edward Cullen looks tender, respectful, and caring towards Bella Swan by comparison.
Despite all this creepiness, his character is way too perfect. He's not even a Marty Stu, but just a plain old Mary Sue with balls. When he's sarcastic towards Hazel Grace, it's supposed to be taken as perfectly gentle teasing. His smile is perfect. His fake leg is perfectly sympathetic without being too disfiguring so as not to take away his sex appeal for the audience. He plays video games, comes up with perfectly romantic quotes, fights with people perfectly, and has a "prefuneral" because he's so fucking clever. HE EVEN FUCKING DIES PERFECTLY- that is, off screen (which surprised me because I thought they would milk his death scene for all the chick-flick tears it was worth. And writes a perfect last letter to Hazel Grace.
Of. Fucking. Course.
10.) I never cried. Once. I'm certainly not made of stone. I cried at the death of ET just like everybody else. I'm not ashamed to admit that I get quite misty eyed at some romantic comedies or straight up romances, particularly Much Ado About Nothing (yes the Keanu Reeves version). That having been said, the key to getting the audience to cry is NOT to bombard us with sadness and cancer pity. That just causes the audience (if their brain hasn't rotted) to be aware that they're being manipulated and not cry. Try to force yourself to cry right now without focusing on anything genuinely sad and you'll see what I mean. I felt things about to well up, but my inability to suspend disbelief due to the flaws in the movie's characters, plot, and messaging never allowed me to lower my defenses, get emotionally as well as intellectually invested in the story, and cry as a result of seeing characters I genuinely care about suffer.
What a miserable failure of a film. If this is the way that YA is going nowadays, then I pity the state of America's teenagers.
From the creator of the Twilight Rant Thread, Divergent's 101 Plot Holes, and The Sexism of Laura comes an expose of THE. SINGLE. WORST. MOVIE. (At least in my opinion, until science invents a Bullshit-o-Meter and it rates so highly on that scale that all unsold copies of the movie are buried under the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste for national security reasons.
Yes, I consider The Fault in Our Stars to be worse than such polished turds as Foodfight, The Room, Jaws IV: The Revenge, and the Titanic Animated Movies (yes, those are real movies that really exist, look them up). At least those movies tried to be somewhat creative. They failed miserably in their pathetic attempt, but it was an attempt nonetheless. It seems like the majority of these YA movies coming out today are all, the, fucking, same shit, just on a different day. So the following critiques of The Fault in Our Stars apply to the same extent to a lot of these movies such as If I Stay despite me not having seen them.
Also, spoilers after this point. Not that you probably give a shit, since even renting the DVD at Redbox is too good for this crap.
1.) This movie, through the main character's narration, basically tries to tell you at the beginning that every other sappy cancer story are unrealistic, then goes the sappy and unrealistic route itself, committing seppuku on its own unintended irony.
2.) The cancer survivors in this movie, other than a few token disability props like oxygen tanks and fake legs that are obvious attempts to engender sympathy, look like they walked out of a teen heartthrob magazine. I mean, how many cancer survivors do you know who have six-packs while undergoing radiation treatment?! I've lost several family members to cancer, and the radiation does not make you toned and tanned, that's for sure. The supposedly "malnourished" yet physically fit main characters in The Hunger Games are much more realistic by comparison.
3.) The teenagers in this movie can come up with "witty" monologues on the fly. I get that this is a movie and if they talked like the girls I knew in high school, who have to put like or um in every sentence, it would get annoying fast, but not only does this movie's dialogue tell me that John Green (who wrote the novel it was based on) cannot write realistic dialogue for shit, but that his idea of how teenagers behave is that they are actually clones of 65 year old authors/pretentious faux philosophers named John Green.
4.) I said in my Divergent rant that Shailene Woodley can't act her way out of a paper bag, so it was surprising for me to hear that even critics who hated this movie were giving her performance positive reviews. Her character (whose name I forgot, so I'll just call her Shailene) is the cheesy and cliched "nihilistic cynic who falls in lurv" and loses any halfway interesting characteristics after she falls in said lurv, so half the reason is due to terrible writing. However, in general, ever since her breakout role in The Secret Life of the American Teenager (blech), Shailene Woodley has ONLY played the "average teenage girl with 'tude underneath," and not only that, she has approximately three emotions. The world's smallest violin has more range than her.
5.) One of the biggest blatant trailer grabs was the scene where Augustus Waters, the male love interest (oh come on, like you didn't know that would be the case) states the reason he buys cigarettes but never smokes them- “It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing."
a.) Doylian (outside the movie's universe) comment: The metaphor speech not only ties into 3.) where it shows just how "clever" this character supposedly is with dumb dialogue, but it the reeks of the same syndrome that runs through other "edgy" indie movies like Juno, 500 Days of Summer, Moonrise Kingdom, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World- "message-itis." Prominently featured in the "mumblecore" genre where people talk about how importantly important stuff is, it's where a movie has such a hip and with it metaphor that it needs to beat the audience half to death with it because it assumes Michael Bay Explosion Fest #70 has made us all idiots. Here's a thought indie directors- do your homework and watch movies where the message is incorporated into the plot and characterization with something called s-u-b-t-l-e-t-y. I'd recommend District 9, Elysium, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Kick-Ass, The Kings of Summer, and Snowpiercer.
b.) Watsonian (inside the movie's universe) comment: Dude, level with me here. You're a fucking cancer patient, right? Do you know that even if you don't smoke the cigarettes, by buying them you're giving money to an industry that only seeks to make a profit at the expense of creating more cancer patients every year?! I hope you enjoy contributing to the deaths of thousands of people in the same position as you so you can make your stupid-ass metaphor.
c.) He has a cigarette in his mouth in nearly ever scene he's in. We get it already! Stop screaming your one metaphor at us.
6.) Why in the hell does every movie with young kids or teens have to have idiotic parents (and in some cases an idiotic government)? I understand that if they were grounded for a week we wouldn't have a movie, but the parents are such non-entities that they might as well be replaced by cardboard cutouts whose only job is to stand in the corner and ineffectually call out stereotypical parent phrases when their button is pushed. After seeing this in Earth to Echo (aka ET ripoff + found footage) just prior to renting this movie, that makes it all the more important that YA is headed for a cliff.
7.) The only good actor in the entire film is Willem Defoe as a reclusive Dutch author who wrote a novel about cancer called An Imperial Affliction, which is one of only two books Shailene Woodley reads in this movie, the other being a book based on a video game that's recommended by Augustus Waters (because you know, everything about her character HAS to either revolve around cancer or her boyfriend.) The entire action of what little plot exists consists of Augustus Waters taking Shailene to Amsterdam to meet him, and after all this build up, he's an asshole who makes fun of kids with cancer. Of fucking course. And his "redemption" at the end where he explains that his daughter died of cancer not only makes his assholery towards Shailene and Augustus unrealistic (yes, I get he's a cynical douche, but come on), but it's yet another pitiful grab at our heartstrings. What a waste.
8.) There are two points later in the movie that infuriated me to the point of literally throwing small objects across the room as I was taking notes.
a.) I threw my pen when Augustus and Shailene had dinner together. It starts out boring and cutesy, but they turn the conversation to the subject of the afterlife. Fair enough, I thought, as they're probably going to die soon. However, when Shailene makes it clear that she only maybe believes in God and doesn't believe in the afterlife and due to her oh so edgy nihilism doesn't believe there's a point to life, Augustus goes on and on about how even though there isn't a point to life (even though he wants there to be an afterlife) he loves her anyway. Ugh. Kill me.
The crux of the problem with this scene (other than the sappy dialogue) is the philosophy extolled by this scene, and the movie. In my view there probably isn't an afterlife and science says the universe will end at some point- that doesn't mean that all life is pointless. Atheism/agnosticism/secularism in general does not automatically lead to nihilism, just as not all religious people are delusional (that is also hinted at in this movie). So why do people keep trotting out this dead horse and pretending it isn't beaten? Probably for ANGST ™. It's too real!
b.) I threw my Blu-ray remote when they visited the Anne Frank Museum and made out in it after a voiceover by a little girl playing Anne Frank. Not only that, but everybody applauded. Look, I get that cancer is a terrible disease and that after going through it you can sympathize with those who also died horribly and senselessly and realize life is short, yada yada. But this is a museum to a girl who lived in an attic for years before being gassed to death and cremated in a concentration camp in the worst genocide in recorded history, and as such is a place for contemplation and reflection, not to get busy. Show some fucking respect.
9.) Au-Fucking-Gustus Waters. There were times, my friends, when I wished for the ability to reach through the screen and strangle this pretty boy prick. As you probably have picked up on by now, everything that I previously stated was wrong with this movie- from the unrealistic good looks to the pretentious dialogue to the tear jerking ploys to the moronic "killing thing" metaphor to the shallow philosophy- is in some way connected to this guy and fueled by his actor's one note performance.
But it gets worse. It gets WAY worse. This guy insists on calling Shailene "Hazel Grace" (ah, now I remember her name!) despite how stupid calling someone by their first and middle names is, he repeatedly pressures her into a relationship even when she repeatedly rebuffs him, he has sex with her despite the fact that she has to be hooked up to oxygen (putting her life in danger for his boner), and he slowly but surely takes over nearly every aspect of her life. Edward Cullen looks tender, respectful, and caring towards Bella Swan by comparison.
Despite all this creepiness, his character is way too perfect. He's not even a Marty Stu, but just a plain old Mary Sue with balls. When he's sarcastic towards Hazel Grace, it's supposed to be taken as perfectly gentle teasing. His smile is perfect. His fake leg is perfectly sympathetic without being too disfiguring so as not to take away his sex appeal for the audience. He plays video games, comes up with perfectly romantic quotes, fights with people perfectly, and has a "prefuneral" because he's so fucking clever. HE EVEN FUCKING DIES PERFECTLY- that is, off screen (which surprised me because I thought they would milk his death scene for all the chick-flick tears it was worth. And writes a perfect last letter to Hazel Grace.
Of. Fucking. Course.
10.) I never cried. Once. I'm certainly not made of stone. I cried at the death of ET just like everybody else. I'm not ashamed to admit that I get quite misty eyed at some romantic comedies or straight up romances, particularly Much Ado About Nothing (yes the Keanu Reeves version). That having been said, the key to getting the audience to cry is NOT to bombard us with sadness and cancer pity. That just causes the audience (if their brain hasn't rotted) to be aware that they're being manipulated and not cry. Try to force yourself to cry right now without focusing on anything genuinely sad and you'll see what I mean. I felt things about to well up, but my inability to suspend disbelief due to the flaws in the movie's characters, plot, and messaging never allowed me to lower my defenses, get emotionally as well as intellectually invested in the story, and cry as a result of seeing characters I genuinely care about suffer.
What a miserable failure of a film. If this is the way that YA is going nowadays, then I pity the state of America's teenagers.
Luke: You don't believe in the Force, do you?
Han Solo: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, and I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen *anything* to make me believe that there's one all-powerful Force controlling everything. 'Cause no mystical energy field controls *my* destiny. It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.
Han Solo: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, and I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen *anything* to make me believe that there's one all-powerful Force controlling everything. 'Cause no mystical energy field controls *my* destiny. It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.
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