Hidden Atheist
March 23, 2015 at 2:29 pm
(This post was last modified: March 23, 2015 at 3:15 pm by Fidel_Castronaut.)
So...here I am! Became an atheist middle of last year, probably around mid May.
I had always questioned the origin of God. He couldn't have just "been" for millions of years. Why'd he just decide to create humans out of the blue? I silenced these questions when I was younger because, holy crap, angels will kill you in your sleep if you question God! Gasp!
I didn't really question it properly till I was about 16 (I'm 18 now). My doubts flooded in, then I ran into this website, [SNIP]. First time, I exited the site after a few minutes and tried to forget about it, move on with my life.
Then a lot of negative life changing stuff happened. Next thing I knew, I was back at [SNIP]. Halfway through, I dropped my phone and went into the other room, praying for some sign from God, anything at all that could possibly reaffirm my belief. If a heavy wind had been blowing and a curtain had moved, I'd have straight up attributed that to God. But nothing happened. So I got off my knees, finished off the website, and proceeded to say fuck you to the supreme being.
I told a few of my friends, who thought I was joking for a while. They only took me seriously when I tore a page in the bible to shreds. They looked up almost expecting a bolt of lightning followed by my ashy remains, but I was still there. They of course decided that God was just giving me a second chance, but I wasn't having any of that crud. They made lots of lackluster attempts to bring me back, but they're shaky Christians as it is, so pretty much blind leading the blind.
So much stuff I ignored as a child starting making sense. Why did God make people when he KNEW they would turn out this way? He's meant to be all knowing, yet he constantly acts surprised throughout the OT, going "Oh my Me" anytime someone rebels. Someone once tried to defend this by saying God makes multiple paths for you to follow, and you get to decide which one, which is still pretty stupid. He supposedly knows which one you're gonna take, so why bother with the multiple path bullshit? Thoughts like these no longer scared me, they just inspired me, enforced the idea I had made the right choice.
I live in a place where declaring you're an atheist is pretty much saying you're now officially insane. The only reason I could tell about 6 people is because I trusted them extremely well. I'm still friends with all of them, but I know it won't be that way with others. I can't even tell my family cos I know they'll freak. Mom and Dad are super catholic, along with some of my brothers and sisters. Even if they eventually accept it, they'll probably go through life worrying about their brother/son, headed on the highway to hell. I'm so worried about them finding out, I did my best to disable email notifications, just in case someone sees my mail by mistake (so please, don't be pissed if I don't reply to posts regularly).
So, that's my story so far. Everything church based revolts me now, so much so going to mass is hard, and Everytime I hear "God will protect us" I nod and laugh in my head, thinking of the poor victims of the holocaust had the same last thought before darkness.
Anyways, happy to be here, and to see so many supporters. Hopefully a time will come when you can atheists will hand out pamphlets of their own down here like those witnesses do every second. Bye guys, and check out [SNIP]. There is some EPIC stuff on there.
I had always questioned the origin of God. He couldn't have just "been" for millions of years. Why'd he just decide to create humans out of the blue? I silenced these questions when I was younger because, holy crap, angels will kill you in your sleep if you question God! Gasp!
I didn't really question it properly till I was about 16 (I'm 18 now). My doubts flooded in, then I ran into this website, [SNIP]. First time, I exited the site after a few minutes and tried to forget about it, move on with my life.
Then a lot of negative life changing stuff happened. Next thing I knew, I was back at [SNIP]. Halfway through, I dropped my phone and went into the other room, praying for some sign from God, anything at all that could possibly reaffirm my belief. If a heavy wind had been blowing and a curtain had moved, I'd have straight up attributed that to God. But nothing happened. So I got off my knees, finished off the website, and proceeded to say fuck you to the supreme being.
I told a few of my friends, who thought I was joking for a while. They only took me seriously when I tore a page in the bible to shreds. They looked up almost expecting a bolt of lightning followed by my ashy remains, but I was still there. They of course decided that God was just giving me a second chance, but I wasn't having any of that crud. They made lots of lackluster attempts to bring me back, but they're shaky Christians as it is, so pretty much blind leading the blind.
So much stuff I ignored as a child starting making sense. Why did God make people when he KNEW they would turn out this way? He's meant to be all knowing, yet he constantly acts surprised throughout the OT, going "Oh my Me" anytime someone rebels. Someone once tried to defend this by saying God makes multiple paths for you to follow, and you get to decide which one, which is still pretty stupid. He supposedly knows which one you're gonna take, so why bother with the multiple path bullshit? Thoughts like these no longer scared me, they just inspired me, enforced the idea I had made the right choice.
I live in a place where declaring you're an atheist is pretty much saying you're now officially insane. The only reason I could tell about 6 people is because I trusted them extremely well. I'm still friends with all of them, but I know it won't be that way with others. I can't even tell my family cos I know they'll freak. Mom and Dad are super catholic, along with some of my brothers and sisters. Even if they eventually accept it, they'll probably go through life worrying about their brother/son, headed on the highway to hell. I'm so worried about them finding out, I did my best to disable email notifications, just in case someone sees my mail by mistake (so please, don't be pissed if I don't reply to posts regularly).
So, that's my story so far. Everything church based revolts me now, so much so going to mass is hard, and Everytime I hear "God will protect us" I nod and laugh in my head, thinking of the poor victims of the holocaust had the same last thought before darkness.
Anyways, happy to be here, and to see so many supporters. Hopefully a time will come when you can atheists will hand out pamphlets of their own down here like those witnesses do every second. Bye guys, and check out [SNIP]. There is some EPIC stuff on there.
Thanks for sharing your story.
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