[I thought I'd posted this earlier but couldn't find it, so apologies if I'm repeating myself]
One day a deist bacteria cell was swimming through a cultivated petri dish on his way to work when he came across a bacteria street preacher.
"Excuse me, sir," the bacteria street preacher stopped the deist bacteria cell, "but if you were to die in the next minute, where would you spend eternity?"
Normally, the deist bacteria cell would ignore the question and keep moving but this time felt inspired to respond.
"Most likely, my cell walls would dissolve and I'd simply cease to function," the deist bacteria said with a shrug, not an easy thing to do given his lack of skeletal structure, "If there is any state in which I would exist after that, I have no idea what it would be and you don't either."
"Not true," said the evangelical bacteria cell with confidence, holding up a copy of his holy scripture, "The Great Lab Coat In The Sky loves each and every one of us and has promised in his holy scriptures..."
"Oh please." interrupted the deist bacteria cell.
"You don't believe in The Great Lab Coat?" asked the evangelical bacteria cell in disbelief.
"There probably is one but there's no reason to think he wrote that book," clarified the deist bacteria cell.
"But surely," the evangelical countered, "The Great Lab Coat would not have just abandoned his own creation."
"That kind of thinking might have made sense back in our more primitive times when we thought the dish was the full extent of the universe and that it was only 6,000 seconds old," explained the deist, "but our scientists have dated the age of the dish to three days."
"Three days," mocked the evangelical bacteria cell, "why not three years?"
"Yes, it's difficult for us to fathom but that's just the cultivation date," the deist bacteria cell continued, "the component dish itself is even older and the universe includes so much more. Our cosmologists have detected multiple shelves, and beyond that an entire room, and there are many rooms on this floor and we think there might be at least three floors in what we call a building. And who knows what lies beyond this building. We even think there may be other petri dishes out there."
"But what does that have to do with The Great Lab Coat's promises as written in the holy scriptures?" asked the evangelical bacteria, "do you not believe The Lab Coat loves us?"
"It's not a matter of love," the deist bacteria explained, "it's a matter of scale. The Great Lab Coat might be a very loving person but how can he relate to any of us? When we learn how big the universe is and how long ago the building was constructed, it's a humbling realization. Creation is not just about us. It includes us but does not revolve around us."
"But what of the holy scriptures?" objected the evangelical bacteria.
"There's no reason to think the Lab Coat wrote any of that," said the deist bacteria, "It makes too many mistakes regarding our dish."
The evangelical bacteria was uncharacteristically stunned by this realization, "but what is the meaning and purpose of life then?"
"I just plan to live this life cycle as best I can," said the deist bacteria, "and if I can find a way to leave the petri dish just a little better off than I found it, that will be meaning and purpose enough. And really, if the Lab Coat does desire anything from us, what better way can you think of to serve him?"
And when both the evangelical bacteria and the deist bacteria cell died, neither one of them went to Hell. Both went to a place of perfect peace, where no tears fell, no fears were experienced and no wish went unfulfilled (in other words, they ceased to exist). But the deist bacteria lived his life fully and responsibly, always with the focus on this world and this existence and not some hereafter. The evangelical bacteria had wasted it trying fruitlessly to please The Great Lab Coat in a religion that was crafted by earlier bacteria.
The Real Great Lab Coat, though she had indeed cultivated that dish, never knew the evangelical bacteria cell personally or anything about their religion.
One day a deist bacteria cell was swimming through a cultivated petri dish on his way to work when he came across a bacteria street preacher.
"Excuse me, sir," the bacteria street preacher stopped the deist bacteria cell, "but if you were to die in the next minute, where would you spend eternity?"
Normally, the deist bacteria cell would ignore the question and keep moving but this time felt inspired to respond.
"Most likely, my cell walls would dissolve and I'd simply cease to function," the deist bacteria said with a shrug, not an easy thing to do given his lack of skeletal structure, "If there is any state in which I would exist after that, I have no idea what it would be and you don't either."
"Not true," said the evangelical bacteria cell with confidence, holding up a copy of his holy scripture, "The Great Lab Coat In The Sky loves each and every one of us and has promised in his holy scriptures..."
"Oh please." interrupted the deist bacteria cell.
"You don't believe in The Great Lab Coat?" asked the evangelical bacteria cell in disbelief.
"There probably is one but there's no reason to think he wrote that book," clarified the deist bacteria cell.
"But surely," the evangelical countered, "The Great Lab Coat would not have just abandoned his own creation."
"That kind of thinking might have made sense back in our more primitive times when we thought the dish was the full extent of the universe and that it was only 6,000 seconds old," explained the deist, "but our scientists have dated the age of the dish to three days."
"Three days," mocked the evangelical bacteria cell, "why not three years?"
"Yes, it's difficult for us to fathom but that's just the cultivation date," the deist bacteria cell continued, "the component dish itself is even older and the universe includes so much more. Our cosmologists have detected multiple shelves, and beyond that an entire room, and there are many rooms on this floor and we think there might be at least three floors in what we call a building. And who knows what lies beyond this building. We even think there may be other petri dishes out there."
"But what does that have to do with The Great Lab Coat's promises as written in the holy scriptures?" asked the evangelical bacteria, "do you not believe The Lab Coat loves us?"
"It's not a matter of love," the deist bacteria explained, "it's a matter of scale. The Great Lab Coat might be a very loving person but how can he relate to any of us? When we learn how big the universe is and how long ago the building was constructed, it's a humbling realization. Creation is not just about us. It includes us but does not revolve around us."
"But what of the holy scriptures?" objected the evangelical bacteria.
"There's no reason to think the Lab Coat wrote any of that," said the deist bacteria, "It makes too many mistakes regarding our dish."
The evangelical bacteria was uncharacteristically stunned by this realization, "but what is the meaning and purpose of life then?"
"I just plan to live this life cycle as best I can," said the deist bacteria, "and if I can find a way to leave the petri dish just a little better off than I found it, that will be meaning and purpose enough. And really, if the Lab Coat does desire anything from us, what better way can you think of to serve him?"
And when both the evangelical bacteria and the deist bacteria cell died, neither one of them went to Hell. Both went to a place of perfect peace, where no tears fell, no fears were experienced and no wish went unfulfilled (in other words, they ceased to exist). But the deist bacteria lived his life fully and responsibly, always with the focus on this world and this existence and not some hereafter. The evangelical bacteria had wasted it trying fruitlessly to please The Great Lab Coat in a religion that was crafted by earlier bacteria.
The Real Great Lab Coat, though she had indeed cultivated that dish, never knew the evangelical bacteria cell personally or anything about their religion.
Atheist Forums Hall of Shame:
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
... -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
... -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
... -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
... -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
