I found jesus

[Longhorn]

and let me tell you, he ain't pretty

So sit back and grab a beer or six, cos I have lots of important shit I need to get done by the end of the week, so I'm going to do something else instead and share the miraculous (not really) story of my deconversion
fear not, punctuation included

So I've been on and off religious since I can remember. I didn't pay much thought to it, at least not any more than my deeply devout environment forced me to. I was raised religious, but I bounced on the verge of atheism from time to time, though the topic never was too important to me and generally it wasn't discussed often.

But with time, religion became my obssession. It wasn't exactly what I've been brought up to believe, it was an eclectic mix of christianity and islam; both were appealing, but neither was fully satisfying, so I kinda sorta merged the two into a fanatic, hateful ideology/delusion, based on condemning the things I hated most about myself. Over time it kept building up in me, all the self-loathing and guilt instilled in me by the initial indoctrination until one night my mind was completely broken and I found myself completely unable to disbelieve. All I remember is a lot of compulsive praying and sobbing. Ever since then it was like my brain was fried. Even the most implausible story sounded rational to me. By this point I was pretty fucking mental. Much more suicidal than I am now, and real delusional, too. I was convinced not only that there was a god, but also that he had a plan for me, a pretty fucked up plan that I'd like to forget I considered fullfiling. I was miserable and I hated everything about myself. God was the voice in my head that haunted me at night. I was more afraid of him than I ever was of satan or hell. He was like a brain tumor and I felt like I was losing myself to it.

I don't know how I made it out alive. I guess I got tired of living under a dictator in my head and slowly started to fight back against him. I realised I needed to take back control over my own mind. I started using logic to dispel my delusions. Hitch helped a lot. I relapsed multiple times and the vision of going back still scares me. I'm still dealing with the aftermath. It left me with a lot of anxiety and self-hate and paranoid ideas. I'm hoping to get all that out of my head with time.
Thanks for bearing with me. I never told anyone the full story before.

[Jericho]

Thanks for sharing, man. I am sorry that you had such a traumatic experience, but am glad that you were able to get it off of your chest.

[dahrling]

and let me tell you, he ain't pretty

I know, but no one believes us ): They choose to see only what they want to see.

I'm sorry for all your suffering, I really do emphasize with you. I've had some of the same experiences with Christianity. I used it to hate on myself and as a weapon to secretly hate on others. My justification? "THEY'RE SINNERSSSSSSSS!!!"

But now I am on a journey to knowledge, freedom, and true love (if such thing even exists. Maybe I'm just hopelessly romantic  )

[Longhorn]

Thanks, guys.

@dahrling
Yeah, for a religion of love it's pretty dang hateful and judgemental. Sorry you went through that crap too

[SteelCurtain]

Dang, dude. Sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully being a Bosnian Spy is a good outlet.

[Longhorn]

Dang, dude. Sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully being a Bosnian Spy is a good outlet.

It's the best, I get to meet cool people and collect intel and... I mean, I have no clue what you're talking about

[polar bear]

Thanks for putting yourself out there!  I hope it helped you.  I am just a pm away if you need to talk about that kind of stuff

[Minimalist]

I didn't know the fucker was lost.

[Salacious B. Crumb]

So I've been on and off religious since I can remember.

It sounds something like heroin to you; sorry to hear that. I hope you're off of it for good now. I'm lucky in the way that when I took one critical look at it one day, I never looked back. I had an image of jesus in my head for about 1-2 weeks, but I knew it was my brain, but still it can bother you. Many other people have this problem, including some folks on here. There have been some very recent threads of people not being able to get rid of the fear of hell or the possibility of an evil god out there. The power of brainwashing is very serious, we're here if you need us. Stick around and try to listen to logic, and try your best to ignore the made-up stories. Watch some George Carlin, that'll cheer you up.

[dahrling]

I didn't know the fucker was lost.

Lt. Dan: Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?
Forrest Gump: I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir.