Today I went to the pool for the first time in three full years.
I didn't expect to do even ten legths. It's always hard to go back after a break, especially after such a long one. I don't remember why I stopped exactly. It was partially because of the fear being looked at.
So, I get in the water. Three first lengths, no biggie. Two more on my back, then three more again breastroke. It's whatever. Two more and we're home, I think. My heart is racing and I'm out of breath, but fuck me if I'm getting out now. Just two more. Ok, done.
Let's keep going.
The hardest part is the breathing. Even though I come up for air every single cycle, it's hard to keep up. I try to stay in the rhythm, no breaks between lengths. 11, 12, 13. Turn around, push off from the pool wall. I'm nearly suffocating and desperately try to grasp some air, holding back the cough. Keep going. 14, 15. My right arm and the upper half of my back are starting to hurt. I pause for a moment. My heart isn't racing anymore. Good or bad? Eh, fuck it. 16. I'm slowing down. Can barely breathe in when I come up. I feel the contents of my stomach moving up. Hell no. 17, 18, 19... My ribs, my entire ribcage is now aching, a dull pain that peaks with every move. I go through a list of all possible injuries that could mean. Yeah, more like a fucking brain tumor. Whatever. 20, 21, 22. My lungs hurt, so does my throat. Chlorine burns the inside of my nose.
23. I hurt my leg when I push off again. It feels like some thick threads in my leg breaking and dangling there completely loose. I pause, out of breath, heart speeding up again. I ponder getting out for a second, and then, automatically, without any further thought, I just dive back in. Everything hurts. Stomach protests. I don't know when I'm going to stop, or why I'm not stopping yet. Three years ago I would've been long out, but three years ago I was not as indifferent to hurting myself as I am now. At this point it's the same learned ritual: legs, arms, breathe, dive.
Okay, 29. One more. Just this one. It seems to be slowest one yet. One third of the way. Halfway. I'm gonna puke. Like hell you are. Done. Ok, I'm out.
I head to the sauna and just sit there until I can't breathe anymore. Then get out and take a long, cold shower. Ice cold water on hot skin brings back happy memories.
Not trying to brag, this isn't even half of what I used to do so pretty weak for me. Just felt like sharing c:
How was your day?
I didn't expect to do even ten legths. It's always hard to go back after a break, especially after such a long one. I don't remember why I stopped exactly. It was partially because of the fear being looked at.
So, I get in the water. Three first lengths, no biggie. Two more on my back, then three more again breastroke. It's whatever. Two more and we're home, I think. My heart is racing and I'm out of breath, but fuck me if I'm getting out now. Just two more. Ok, done.
Let's keep going.
The hardest part is the breathing. Even though I come up for air every single cycle, it's hard to keep up. I try to stay in the rhythm, no breaks between lengths. 11, 12, 13. Turn around, push off from the pool wall. I'm nearly suffocating and desperately try to grasp some air, holding back the cough. Keep going. 14, 15. My right arm and the upper half of my back are starting to hurt. I pause for a moment. My heart isn't racing anymore. Good or bad? Eh, fuck it. 16. I'm slowing down. Can barely breathe in when I come up. I feel the contents of my stomach moving up. Hell no. 17, 18, 19... My ribs, my entire ribcage is now aching, a dull pain that peaks with every move. I go through a list of all possible injuries that could mean. Yeah, more like a fucking brain tumor. Whatever. 20, 21, 22. My lungs hurt, so does my throat. Chlorine burns the inside of my nose.
23. I hurt my leg when I push off again. It feels like some thick threads in my leg breaking and dangling there completely loose. I pause, out of breath, heart speeding up again. I ponder getting out for a second, and then, automatically, without any further thought, I just dive back in. Everything hurts. Stomach protests. I don't know when I'm going to stop, or why I'm not stopping yet. Three years ago I would've been long out, but three years ago I was not as indifferent to hurting myself as I am now. At this point it's the same learned ritual: legs, arms, breathe, dive.
Okay, 29. One more. Just this one. It seems to be slowest one yet. One third of the way. Halfway. I'm gonna puke. Like hell you are. Done. Ok, I'm out.
I head to the sauna and just sit there until I can't breathe anymore. Then get out and take a long, cold shower. Ice cold water on hot skin brings back happy memories.
Not trying to brag, this isn't even half of what I used to do so pretty weak for me. Just felt like sharing c:
How was your day?
