limericks!

[Fireball]

Cool! Limerick fun!

A young man of Novorossisk
Had a mating procedure so brisk,
   With super-speed action
   The Lorentz Contraction
Foreshortened his prick to a disc.

[mediocrates]

A musician came to play at a bar
so dirty he wouldn't bring his guitar
with liquid inspiration
and some improvisation
he rocked the joint like a star

without a guitar or instrument to speak of
he'd fashioned sounds with all he could think of
with surprise and a shout
the barmaids turned about
in awe of what he had made use of

turns out he had quite an imagination
his tip jar overflowed with donations
no one would have believed it
unless they had seen it
in response they stood in ovation

this story has finally reached its climax
so it's time I divulged all the facts
the music he played
wasn't naturally made
it was beer being sucked through used Tampax

[Jackalope]

There once was a man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tufts of grass
Grew out of his ass
And his balls were covered in weeds

[drfuzzy]

Can I UN-Necro this thread in honor of the upcoming "Blasphemy Day"?  I just think we need more sacrilegious limericks!

There once was a looney named Jesus
Who claimed he could cure all diseases
He thought he was god
But he was just odd
Now idiots worship his sneezes.

[Edwardo Piet]

There once was a turtle named Hammy
Who posted ever so spammy
He was a silly bugger y'know
And he never shut up about mayo.
But having an awesome bestie made him jammy.

[Edwardo Piet]

I can't do silly balls.

[drfuzzy]

Another

The Bible's a fairy tale book
Of unicorns, dragons and crooks
Whale stomach hotels
A conman snake sells
Talking donkeys and zombies, gadzooks!

[Expired]

Spider spider on the wall,
Do you know nothing at all?
Can't you see that walls been plastered?
Come down now you silly little spider.
Not a Limerick but the best I could do.

[Expired]

Mary had a little bike,
She rode it back to front,
Every time the wheels went around,
The spokes went up, Oh never mind.

[ignoramus]

There was a man called Brian
Heart of gold but brain of iron.