Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[The Valkyrie]

CIJS?

I was sitting there, because my buddy insisted that he knew what he was doing. That, plus you're pretty hot. Gotsta admit. You hand me a dos equis, and I'm like... fuck it. I won't be a snob. I'll drink it. I don't always have to drink craft. You watch me take a drink out of the bottle and your mouth starts spitting out all this anti-craft nonsense.
You: what makes a craft beer craft? Just a label.
Me: Wrong lady, dude. Change subject.
You: If I make a hotdog and add noodles to it, does that make it craft?
Me:  
You: I know I just made you think.

This goes on for a while.

Then I mention my cats, because they're my children.

You: Fuck cats.
Me: Um... what?
You: If I were to visit you, you'd have to put your cats away.
Me: what?
You: In the bathroom, or something. (You laugh hard) Why don't you just get rid of them?

I look around trying to find something else to talk about, but you go back to talking about the stupidity of drinking craft beer. I'm thinking... maybe I'm just too difficult. I need to stop being such a dick. I make a joke.

Me: next thing, you'll tell me you're Republican.
You: Fuck no. Fuck politics. They're dumb.

Can I just say to my buddy who made this recommendation? The fuck were you thinking, ey? How the fuck did that cross your mind? Is this some sort of joke? Imma get you back for this.

Can I just say to the cat/craft/politics hater? Sorry, yo, but your pretty face does not make up for that failed conversation. Also, I'll never put my cats away. I'll put myself away first. Sheyet.

Also... I just met you. HELL no, you don't get to meet my kids.

THE FUCK?! Lol #fail

I once had a visitor who chased one of my cats off the couch.

When I asked what she was doing, she said, "I hate to see cats on the furniture."

That's okay for your house.  This is MY house.  This is THEIR house.

When I said something similar to her she replied, "Well, I'd never have cats on the furniture in MY house."

She left when I said, "Well, feel free to fuck off back to your house!"

There was a little more to the conversation, but that was the gist.

[J a c k]

I love that you defended your cats. My cats are part of my family. When one of them is hurt or sick, I worry like a mom does, I take care of them, I baby them until they get better. When one of my boys is sick, or me, the cats lay with us until we get better. Fígaro will be wrapped around my head petting my hair with one paw, or Magnífico will lay side by side with my son and lift his head every time my son lifts his. When Magnífico was just a baby, I fed him his bottle, like a mom does. I set my alarm to wake up every certain amount of hours for his feedings. When my sons are playing wrestling on the bed, Fígaro and Magnífico sit on the futon and watch attentively as if they were watching an MMA fight (like their mama). My cats are people, too. I wouldn't like me, if I dared to put them away to make a guest comfortable. If you come to my house, you already know I love my babies. Deal with it, homez.

[Fireball]

I love that you defended your cats. My cats are part of my family. When one of them is hurt or sick, I worry like a mom does, I take care of them, I baby them until they get better. When one of my boys is sick, or me, the cats lay with us until we get better. Fígaro will be wrapped around my head petting my hair with one paw, or Magnífico will lay side by side with my son and lift his head every time my son lifts his. When Magnífico was just a baby, I fed him his bottle, like a mom does. I set my alarm to wake up every certain amount of hours for his feedings. When my sons are playing wrestling on the bed, Fígaro and Magnífico sit on the futon and watch attentively as if they were watching an MMA fight (like their mama). My cats are people, too. I wouldn't like me, if I dared to put them away to make a guest comfortable. If you come to my house, you already know I love my babies. Deal with it, homez.

I'm deathly allergic to cats. No offense, but I wouldn't be able to go into your home. We had to have the carpets removed and hardwood flooring installed before I got off of the steroidal and rescue inhalers, used at their medical maximum dosages. You're a hero to those cats! As far as the guy goes, maybe he's a TWO PBR kind of guy. There are far better ways of saying that kind of stuff.

[Crossless2.0]

CIJS?

I was sitting there, because my buddy insisted that he knew what he was doing. That, plus you're pretty hot. Gotsta admit. You hand me a dos equis, and I'm like... fuck it. I won't be a snob. I'll drink it. I don't always have to drink craft. You watch me take a drink out of the bottle and your mouth starts spitting out all this anti-craft nonsense.
You: what makes a craft beer craft? Just a label.
Me: Wrong lady, dude. Change subject.
You: If I make a hotdog and add noodles to it, does that make it craft?
Me:  
You: I know I just made you think.

This goes on for a while.

Then I mention my cats, because they're my children.

You: Fuck cats.
Me: Um... what?
You: If I were to visit you, you'd have to put your cats away.
Me: what?
You: In the bathroom, or something. (You laugh hard) Why don't you just get rid of them?

I look around trying to find something else to talk about, but you go back to talking about the stupidity of drinking craft beer. I'm thinking... maybe I'm just too difficult. I need to stop being such a dick. I make a joke.

Me: next thing, you'll tell me you're Republican.
You: Fuck no. Fuck politics. They're dumb.

Can I just say to my buddy who made this recommendation? The fuck were you thinking, ey? How the fuck did that cross your mind? Is this some sort of joke? Imma get you back for this.

Can I just say to the cat/craft/politics hater? Sorry, yo, but your pretty face does not make up for that failed conversation. Also, I'll never put my cats away. I'll put myself away first. Sheyet.

Also... I just met you. HELL no, you don't get to meet my kids.

THE FUCK?! Lol #fail

I once had a visitor who chased one of my cats off the couch.

When I asked what she was doing, she said, "I hate to see cats on the furniture."

That's okay for your house.  This is MY house.  This is THEIR house.

When I said something similar to her she replied, "Well, I'd never have cats on the furniture in MY house."

She left when I said, "Well, feel free to fuck off back to your house!"

There was a little more to the conversation, but that was the gist.

I love cats but now happily bend to the will of two dogs, who are like children to us.

Well, mostly happily.

The truth is I haven't had a decent night's sleep in months because the wife and dogs take about 90% of the bed, and I'm left clinging to the edge and fighting for any scrap of blanket I can get. I made the mistake of complaining about it one night. My wife responded, "You know where the couch is."

And thus every mutt eventually learns his place in the pack's pecking order.

[vorlon13]

CIJS,

well, you may have done it this time, you stooopid fuckwad. Stealing from your dads new girlfriend ?? Jesus fucking Christ, like she wasn't going to notice or instantly know it was YOU ????????

In all seriousness, if you aren't any better than this at crime, you definitely need to commit yourself to a life of honest living. You've tried the crime thing several times, and you just don't have the fucking knack for it. Egad, it's fucking embarrassing, just give up man, you can't do it.


Oh, your dad mentioned he's getting a dumpster next time you're going to be 'absent' for a while (be thinking your next jail stay). And the dumpster is for all your shit. Yep, all of it. Furniture, clothes, possessions, memorabilia, everything. He's erasing your ass from his life.


Sucks to be you, maybe you'll get a fucking clue at some point.

[Iroscato]

CIJS - I was so close to telling your screeching, wailing, urinating hellspawn that Santa isn't real on the bus today. Actually scratch that, I was three seconds away from telling him he's real, eats children and is behind on his yearly quota.

[Little lunch]

I have a beautiful cat named Missy.
I also have a friend who comes over and is not particularly fond of cats.
Missy greets all my visitors but he always ignores her.
So I pick her up and force him to hold her and pat her so she doesn't get her feelings hurt.
I'm bigger than him, people generally do what I say. :-)

[brewer]

I once had a visitor who chased one of my cats off the couch.

When I asked what she was doing, she said, "I hate to see cats on the furniture."

That's okay for your house.  This is MY house.  This is THEIR house.

When I said something similar to her she replied, "Well, I'd never have cats on the furniture in MY house."

She left when I said, "Well, feel free to fuck off back to your house!"

There was a little more to the conversation, but that was the gist.

This statement alone shows that she is mentally unstable. Can you think of one sane person that believes you can keep cats off furniture, counters,..... any perch?

Probably should have whacked her and then claimed mercy killing.

[Jackalope]

CIJS

While I'm disappointed that the judge didn't throw your ass in jail during your arraignment, I'm thrilled that you're going to trial for your contempt charge, and you don't have a goddamned leg to stand on. Guess what, fuckhead? The judge is going to make you get a job and start paying your back child support, or you *will* be going to jail. Guess what? When you get out, you'll still have to pony up the money. Bankruptcy won't save your ass either, and let's be real, the only thing that's bankrupt here is your moral compass.

Enjoy jail, you irresponsible deadbeat fuck of a child.

[Athene]

CIJS...

I have an overwhelming desire to make life very difficult for you.

Let's hope that my softer emotions prevail and ultimately prevent me from following through on that urge. Or that I get past this/lose interest, before I decide to flip the switch and fuck your world up.
Because, as it goes...I honestly hate feeling like this. 

But not quite as much as I hate you.