The Thread of Fantastic Failures

[Kernel Sohcahtoa]

My aim in creating this thread, is to embrace the lessons learned from our fantastic failures, while letting the negative aspects of them go.  It is my hope that others can learn from them and improve.

With that out of the way, think of an instance where you failed.  If you’re willing, then please share this experience.  What did you learn from it and how have you grown as an individual?

My Fantastic Failure:  Trying to be Mr. Fix it with an Irate Customer
 
About six months ago, a lady came into our store (I work in retail) and was immediately upset. She informed me that I misunderstood her husband (I waited on him the day before; he was alone) and sold him the wrong shirts (this was true; I messed up).  In addition, he decided to open up a store credit which infuriated her: she felt that I must have behaved underhandedly.  As a result, I tried to remedy the situation (she even remarked that I was nice), but the more I persisted in explaining things away, the angrier she became and the deeper I sank into a mental quicksand.  When she finally left (still upset after talking with the manager), she elaborated on what had been bothering her: she had given her husband specific instructions to use her card, and she was operating under the assumption that I knowingly disregarded her wishes and coaxed him into opening a credit. Indeed, this was a valid conclusion that any decent, rational person could make, but it was not in strict accordance with fact (her husband never shared this information with me; she assumed that he had). 

Reflection and Lessons Learned

I handled the situation poorly.  The lady needed time to vent: her feelings needed to be acknowledged, not explained away.  In addition, I failed to acknowledge her remark that she thought I was nice (a classic conciliatory gesture), which was a possible opportunity to break the unproductive cycle we were in. In addition, I was too stuck on the surface issues and failed to consider her underlying concerns and interests: I needed to ask her specific questions aimed at uncovering what was actually bothering her, rather than digging her deeper into ambiguous generality.
 
As a result of this fantastic failure, I learned a key lesson: if you want to bring peace to a conflict that you are personally involved in, then you’ve got to be willing to put your defensiveness and ego on the sideline: you can’t wait for the other person to see the light of your logic). Instead, be a leader and explore the perspectives of others via more listening/inquiry and less talking/fixing, which validates others’ feelings and increases their willingness to consider other perspectives. Hence, my failure on this particular occasion ultimately enhanced my ability to step out of the content of unproductive situations, reframe them, and engage those I’m in conflict with in a more safe, inquisitive, and constructive way.

Well, Thanks for your time, attention, and patience, and I hope that this failure of mine can be of some use to the community members here.
 Well enough about me.  I’m more interested in all of you

[Excited Penguin]

That's a very interesting story, thank you for sharing it.

Unfortunately, people are generally not big on sharing their personal failures much, and neither am I. But if I think of something, I'll remember to share it here first.

[Minimalist]

I played a hunch one time while coaching Little League and brought in a relief pitcher with the bases loaded.  The kid threw one pitch which the batter hit into the next county ending the game and our season.

I learned that the kid was a shitty relief pitcher but it didn't matter.  That was the end of the season.

[J a c k]

I'm peeing in this thread to mark my territory. I'll be back.  

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No, really. I want to post here later.

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[Excited Penguin]

I'm peeing in this thread to mark my territory. I'll be back.  

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No, really. I want to post here later.

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So... you failed to post in a thread about failures?

 

[c172]

I feel like school was one big failure, and now I'm having a ton of 20/20 hindsight about it. Wishing I could be reincarnated, but knowing, as an atheist, that doesn't happen. 

Also talking about a former PT behind her back, but in earshot of her by accident. And she really wasn't bad. She actually asked to be removed from my case. I didn't initiate that.

Felt kinda bad.

[Thumpalumpacus]

For a long time, I was an alcoholic who was functioning. I fell short of my ideals and became a hypocrite. I started on the path to sobriety almost a year ago, and entered recovery in January

I'm still working to rectify this failure of mine, by fixing myself so that the urge to drink is driven out once and for all. I will have to live with some of its consequences for the rest of my life. I'm happier where I am now mentally and emotionally, but when I ponder this failing of mine, it opens up a deep sadness ... so I won't say any more.

[Whateverist]

When I was 21 I got married to my the first girl I'd scored with.  Guess I just wanted to have that honey pot close to hand.  Anyhow we were both fairly cerebral types, especially me.  The book Open Marriage was hot at the time and the concept appealed to me greatly, as it did to my first missus.  So we set up house and had some good times together for the first couple years.  But then she attended a convention associated with her work accompanied by her boss.  We both thought this might be the opportunity to bring more openness into the marriage and I was entirely fine with it rationally.

Perhaps she could have done more to alleviate the insecurities this induced in me.  That might have helped.  But at the same time as I was realizing I didn't like this arrangement at all, I was also shocked that I was being so illogical.  Now I can imagine more than one take away a person might form from this experience.  But for me, the biggest realization was that what I wanted and needed were neither subject to nor responsive to my logic.  It took me a while to work this one out but I finally realized something about the limits of reason.  As a person who didn't orient in the world much based on feeling, I suddenly felt pretty vulnerable.  As a result I did some work on that area.  I read a lot of psychology.  I attended a few encounter groups.  I did one on one therapy.  And I approached relationships as an area in which I had some very basic learning to do.

I couldn't be happier to have made that adjustment.  I'm not sure I would have worked as hard at it as I did if the experience hadn't been so unpleasant and unsettling.  I shudder to think how my life would have gone if I'd stayed more than the three years I did with wife number one.  Wife number two and I just celebrated 33 years together three days ago.  It's good.

[Jesster]

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When I was 21 I got married to my the first girl I'd scored with.  Guess I just wanted to have that honey pot close to hand.  Anyhow we were both fairly cerebral types, especially me.  The book Open Marriage was hot at the time and the concept appealed to me greatly, as it did to my first missus.  So we set up house and had some good times together for the first couple years.  But then she attended a convention associated with her work accompanied by her boss.  We both thought this might be the opportunity to bring more openness into the marriage and I was entirely fine with it rationally.

Perhaps she could have done more to alleviate the insecurities this induced in me.  That might have helped.  But at the same time as I was realizing I didn't like this arrangement at all, I was also shocked that I was being so illogical.  Now I can imagine more than one take away a person might form from this experience.  But for me, the biggest realization was that what I wanted and needed were neither subject to nor responsive to my logic.  It took me a while to work this one out but I finally realized something about the limits of reason.  As a person who didn't orient in the world much based on feeling, I suddenly felt pretty vulnerable.  As a result I did some work on that area.  I read a lot of psychology.  I attended a few encounter groups.  I did one on one therapy.  And I approached relationships as an area in which I had some very basic learning to do.

I couldn't be happier to have made that adjustment.  I'm not sure I would have worked as hard at it as I did if the experience hadn't been so unpleasant and unsettling.  I shudder to think how my life would have gone if I'd stayed more than the three years I did with wife number one.  Wife number two and I just celebrated 33 years together three days ago.  It's good.

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Wow, what a story. I won't share mine, but you aren't alone in making a big mistake with your first marriage. Mine lasted about as long and I'm still hoping to make my recovery like you did.

[robvalue]

I used to play an online role playing game called Asheron's Call. I was single at the time, and my only previous relationship was a very unhappy one with someone totally unsuitable for me. A woman who played the game started to show an increasing amount of interest in me. Being naive, the attention went to my head and I ignored several very important warning signs.

Firstly, I found out she was married. She told me it was a loveless marriage. I later found out she had cheated on her husband recently. She said she "planned to" split up with her husband. She invited me over to her place for sex, behind her husband's back. I refused. I said that we couldn't have any sort of relationship until she properly split up from her husband.

Eventually, she did split up with him. I believed her, since she told her children about me and I talked to them on the phone. She told me she was ready to be with me now. We continued what was mainly a long distance relationship, over the course of a few years. She came to visit me now and again during that time. Eventually, she got bored of me and treated me worse and worse until I split up with her.

The lesson I learned is to pay more attention to warning signs. I committed myself to what I thought was going to be a lifelong relationship, which turned out to be a cheap fling for her. I now feel pretty sure that was her intention all along. I started off as another affair, and that should have been warning enough; even though she did later make it official before we started dating.