When A Loved One Hass Alzheimer's

[Rhondazvous]

I went to the nursing home to celebrate my neighbor’s birthday the other day. When she lived across the street from me, she loved herself some Rhonda and would tell everybody that I was her daughter. But my visit with her the other day almost broke my heart.

I went with her cousin and we brought a cake and candles and her favorite candy snickers bars. We sang happy birthday and she blew out the candles and we all had some cake. But she kept forgetting that it was her birthday and wondering what all the balloons and stuff were for. Then she started arguing with the cousin, insisting that she had not had any cake. The cousin reminded her that she and Rhonda had brought it for her. Then she said “who is Rhonda?” For a moment I felt like what was the point. Why come if she can’t remember. A part of me was so miffed that I didn’t even want to hug her goodbye. But I realized that was just being mean. I knew it was the disease not her love for me making her forget. Even if she couldn’t remember, if that one little moment was all she had then I could make that one little moment a happy one.

Have any of you dealt with Alzheimer's? How did you feel trying to have a friendship with someone who no longer remembered you or kept asking the same questions no matter how many times you repeated the answer?

I sometimes think about how frustrating it must be for my friends talking to me when I can hardly hear them or smiling when I can't see their faces. But guilt doesn't help me cope, it just makes me feel like a should do something without giving me the strength to do it.

[Jackalope]

My maternal grandmother suffered from Alzheimer's for years before she died. My mom's partner is currently in the mid stages of the illness.

I have to admit that it's extremely painful to see her go through this when you know exactly how it is going to turn out.

[brewer]

Personally, just a couple. Professionally, quite a few, but I was not close to them. It's tragic for the patient and family.

Let them ask the same questions over and over without pointing out their lapse in memory. As you can tell, it won't do them any good anyway and tends to frustrate all involved. Imagine how fearful it can be not know where you are, how you got there, who any people are, ......................

With my personal ones, in conversations we sent most of our time talking about the things they could remember (mostly from the past, hopefully happy). An old photo album helped. In the end, even this escaped them. The friendship became a one way street, but still worth it.

[Minimalist]

I'd love to be able to tell you that it gets better, Rhonda but it doesn't.  My parents never reached the point where they didn't know me but its a long slow decline and particularly if you don't see them often you will notice the deterioration happening from visit to visit.

[vorlon13]

I was visiting a long time family friend at the nursing home and she recognized me, but not her daughter who was there. I felt so bad for both of them.

[Rhondazvous]

That's true, Min. It will only get worst. My father's aunt got to the point where her body forgot how to digest food.

Unfortunately, I don't see this neighbor often as I'd like. I go when the cousin goes. It would be a thousand times more frustrating if I went alone with my poor vision and hearing. That just would not be a pleasant experience for either of us.

And Brewer, you're absolutely right. One thing I notice people do is ask the patient if they remember their name. The cousin threatened to leave and take her balloons if she didn't remember her name. I fail to see the point in this. but a lot of people do it.

[Chad32]

I have a grandmother who keeps mixing up names. Sometimes when she's calling me to do something, she'll go down the list of male names until I finally respond to my name. One might think it's kind of funny, but it might also be a sign of a worse problem. She mixes up my niece's names as well, and who knows what she mixes up when I'm not there to hear it? I don't know what I'll do if she stops remembering who I even am. She's a fairly healthy woman, but her time is running out, and I worry about coping when she's gone.

So yeah, I can relate to this. I'm sure a lot of people can.

[Athene]

If Alzheimer's patients don't see even their closest family members with frequent regularity, they generally become unable to remember and/or recognize them as the disease progresses. Expecting a sufferer to remember an old friend who just happens to pop by one day, isn't realistic.

If she doesn't remember you, don't try and push it; it'll just frustrate/agitate her. Relax, and resign yourself to becoming "the nice lady" who came to visit her. Just focus on bringing a little happiness to her day, to honor the friendship the two of you shared in the past.

[Jackalope]

^^^ So much this. ^^^

It has to be horrible to lose your faculties. Taking it personally is so self-centered...as much as it may suck to be forgotten, it isn't their fault, and you have no idea what it's like. So be kind and patient.

[Athene]

That's true, Min. It will only get worst. My father's aunt got to the point where her body forgot how to digest food.

Unfortunately, I don't see this neighbor often as I'd like. I go when the cousin goes. It would be a thousand times more frustrating if I went alone with my poor vision and hearing. That just would not be a pleasant experience for either of us.

And Brewer, you're absolutely right. One thing I notice people do is ask the patient if they remember their name. The cousin threatened to leave and take her balloons if she didn't remember her name. I fail to see the point in this. but a lot of people do it.

The cousin needs to educate him/herself about Alzheimer's disease. It's quite ridiculous to initiate punitive action against someone experiencing memory loss due to a degenerative neurological disease.