Confronting Parents about the Past

[Bahana]

My father is in his 70s now and I'm not sure how much time we will have left. I have never heard him explain why he was not religious when we were growing up. My mother was extremely religious and wanted me to go to a Christian school and church. My mother passed away in an accident in 2005 and he doesn't want to talk about her anymore. As an atheist in my adult life, I would like to get his point of view on why he was not a Christian before. I don't want to just spring it up on him but I'm not sure how much time we'll have to discuss this. Any suggestions?

[Cod]

My father is in his 70s now and I'm not sure how much time we will have left. I have never heard him explain why he was not religious when we were growing up. My mother was extremely religious and wanted me to go to a Christian school and church. My mother passed away in an accident in 2005 and he doesn't want to talk about her anymore. As an atheist in my adult life, I would like to get his point of view on why he was not a Christian before. I don't want to just spring it up on him but I'm not sure how much time we'll have to discuss this. Any suggestions?

Just talk now.. Don't leave it until it's too late. I made that mistake, you'll never get the chance again.

[brewer]

JFC, just ask him why he cusses in christian, god damn it. 

Door open.

[Minimalist]

Give him a hammer and a nail.  When he hits his thumb and says "JESUS FUCKNG CHRIST" you say "hey, dad.  I've been meaning to ask you."

[Seraphina]

My father is in his 70s now and I'm not sure how much time we will have left. I have never heard him explain why he was not religious when we were growing up. My mother was extremely religious and wanted me to go to a Christian school and church. My mother passed away in an accident in 2005 and he doesn't want to talk about her anymore. As an atheist in my adult life, I would like to get his point of view on why he was not a Christian before. I don't want to just spring it up on him but I'm not sure how much time we'll have to discuss this. Any suggestions?

"Hey dad, I'm curious why you never seemed interested in religion when I was a kid. Were grandpa & grandma religious when you were a kid?"
And hopefully that will open the door to a wider discussion/ more follow up questions and answers with your father.

-Teresa

[OakTree500]

Yeah man, just ask him. Something like this isn't really "a big deal", so just ask him.

On this subject, I have a an issue with my own father, which I'll most likely never really ask him about. Him and my mother are long divorced, it happened when I was about 8. It's not a big deal, to me at least, they both went on to remarry and have happy lived etc. The problem is, back then they were both very young and my father was a bad bloke. At that time, he was a drug dealer, a "muscle for hire" type of guy, and while over all he was ok, he was a terrible person in other areas. He regularly cheated on my mother, which I found out recently, and at times would physically abuse her. The latter of which I know for a fact, as I saw/heard it multiple times.

The problem is: A) the cheating stuff is a double edged sword; they're long not together any more yet I sort of feel a bit like "but at that time, we were all together as a family". B) he flat out denies ever laying his hands on a women, ever; which is a lie but I also wonder if hes either forgotten or is even aware of it, as he may have been under the influence of drink/drugs etc and/or he's just lying about it.

This raises some issues for me as we're both very close, funnily enough. I let a lot of stuff slide, on both sides (more so on his, see above) for the sake of having a good relationship with him, as I'm very much a "every deserves a chance" kind of person. I'm now 30, have a wife and child of my own, and am very much a law abiding citizen/never been in a fight in my life, and actively strove against doing the things he did as a younger man (Not a saint by any stretch, but you get the idea). He's still "young" (he's 48 now.....yep do the math) but hasn't been "like that" for over 20 years now, so I'd like to think he's changed in that respect. He's remarried, and has a great relationship with his new-wife. To my knowledge he hasn't done anything like he used to do when he was a younger man, but obviously can't say for 100% as I don't live with him any more.

The point is......do I say something? Is it even worth it at this point? I personally think not, but it's caused me a lot of mental grief over that past couple of years trying to come to terms with some of this sort of thing, which has legitimately fried my brain at times. I'm all good now, but It's been rough.

Any way, thoughts/input appreciated.

[Brian37]

My father is in his 70s now and I'm not sure how much time we will have left. I have never heard him explain why he was not religious when we were growing up. My mother was extremely religious and wanted me to go to a Christian school and church. My mother passed away in an accident in 2005 and he doesn't want to talk about her anymore. As an atheist in my adult life, I would like to get his point of view on why he was not a Christian before. I don't want to just spring it up on him but I'm not sure how much time we'll have to discuss this. Any suggestions?

Having lost my mother in 17, I cant tell you anything but be there for them, let them talk on their terms. Ultimately it is the end of their life, not yours. Not saying don't bring it up, but only in that if you do and he turns the conversation away from it, don't push it. We really cant tell you what to do because we don't know him like you do.