When you can't fully let go of the past

[Der/die AtheistIn]

Unfortunately, there are terrible things in our lives. The death of someone dear to you will affect you for life, and many other bad things.
What if you can't (fully) let go of something that ended well?
What if let's say someone abused another person, then made it up for it and the 2 now have a healthy relationship. But the former abuse can't help but still feel grudge against the other, even if it's in the past. 
What if the abuser can't let go of what they did, even if they're mostly happy?
Or what if you can't let go of a car accident, even if everybody who got hurt healed just fine, at least physically, or didn't get hurt at all?

[Brian37]

Unfortunately, there are terrible things in our lives. The death of someone dear to you will affect you for life, and many other bad things.
What if you can't (fully) let go of something that ended well?
What if let's say someone abused another person, then made it up for it and the 2 now have a healthy relationship. But the former abuse can't help but still feel grudge against the other, even if it's in the past. 
What if the abuser can't let go of what they did, even if they're mostly happy?
Or what if you can't let go of a car accident, even if everybody who got hurt healed just fine, at least physically, or didn't get hurt at all?

If ifs and butts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a party.

Humans change, over time, for good or bad and in both directions. Don't drive yourself nuts over what could have been, because that is in the past.

The future in what you personally decide to do, is up to you. It isn't an issue of revenge or never forgive, or always forgive. 

Again, you keep asking general questions about a life we are not personally connected to face to face. There is no magic solution, no perfect answer.

I can only give you general advice, be it about friends, co workers or family. You can certainly have loved ones family and friends piss you off, and not disown them long term. But in general, it is unhealthy to stay in a long term abusive relationship regardless if it is family, co worker or friend. Ultimately only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate or not. 

My late mother and I were polar opposites as far as living habits and political and religious leanings. We certainly came to butt heads more on the living arrangements when we did live together. But it never got to the point where I thought she was Hitler out to gas me and stick me in the oven.

But even with just friends and co workers. They do not value you if all they do is verbally attack you on a daily basis to make you feel small or to get you to bend to their wishes 100% of the time. But getting yelled at by those who do value you on an occasional basis because they are having a bad day, that is normal. It should not be regular no, but conflict is normal, even among those you do get along with.

COMMUNICATION is the key in any healthy relationship.

How you have disagreements does not mean you should never have disagreements. It only becomes abuse when it is repeated verbal abuse on a daily basis and especially if it is physical. 

Everyone has a bad day and can occasionally  say things they regret. But nobody has the right to expect you to be a doormat.

[Der/die AtheistIn]

If ifs and butts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a party.

Humans change, over time, for good or bad and in both directions. Don't drive yourself nuts over what could have been, because that is in the past.

The future in what you personally decide to do, is up to you. It isn't an issue of revenge or never forgive, or always forgive. 

Again, you keep asking general questions about a life we are not personally connected to face to face. There is no magic solution, no perfect answer.

I can only give you general advice, be it about friends, co workers or family. You can certainly have loved ones family and friends piss you off, and not disown them long term. But in general, it is unhealthy to stay in a long term abusive relationship regardless if it is family, co worker or friend. Ultimately only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate or not. 

My late mother and I were polar opposites as far as living habits and political and religious leanings. We certainly came to butt heads more on the living arrangements when we did live together. But it never got to the point where I thought she was Hitler out to gas me and stick me in the oven.

But even with just friends and co workers. They do not value you if all they do is verbally attack you on a daily basis to make you feel small or to get you to bend to their wishes 100% of the time. But getting yelled at by those who do value you on an occasional basis because they are having a bad day, that is normal. It should not be regular no, but conflict is normal, even among those you do get along with.

COMMUNICATION is the key in any healthy relationship.

How you have disagreements does not mean you should never have disagreements. It only becomes abuse when it is repeated verbal abuse on a daily basis and especially if it is physical. 

Everyone has a bad day and can occasionally  say things they regret. But nobody has the right to expect you to be a doormat.

Thank you for your answer, it was informative. But my question was about if someone feels sadness even after the abuse has stopped and the victim trusts the former abuser. The victim wants to move forward, but still feels pain from what happened in the past.
You know the saying: "forgive but not forget"? In my opinion, it's a subtle way of saying: " I fully trust you that you that you learned your lesson, but I can't forgive you, at least not entirely". Because forgiveness is when you stop being angry at someone who has wronged you.

[Brian37]

If ifs and butts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a party.

Humans change, over time, for good or bad and in both directions. Don't drive yourself nuts over what could have been, because that is in the past.

The future in what you personally decide to do, is up to you. It isn't an issue of revenge or never forgive, or always forgive. 

Again, you keep asking general questions about a life we are not personally connected to face to face. There is no magic solution, no perfect answer.

I can only give you general advice, be it about friends, co workers or family. You can certainly have loved ones family and friends piss you off, and not disown them long term. But in general, it is unhealthy to stay in a long term abusive relationship regardless if it is family, co worker or friend. Ultimately only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate or not. 

My late mother and I were polar opposites as far as living habits and political and religious leanings. We certainly came to butt heads more on the living arrangements when we did live together. But it never got to the point where I thought she was Hitler out to gas me and stick me in the oven.

But even with just friends and co workers. They do not value you if all they do is verbally attack you on a daily basis to make you feel small or to get you to bend to their wishes 100% of the time. But getting yelled at by those who do value you on an occasional basis because they are having a bad day, that is normal. It should not be regular no, but conflict is normal, even among those you do get along with.

COMMUNICATION is the key in any healthy relationship.

How you have disagreements does not mean you should never have disagreements. It only becomes abuse when it is repeated verbal abuse on a daily basis and especially if it is physical. 

Everyone has a bad day and can occasionally  say things they regret. But nobody has the right to expect you to be a doormat.

Thank you for your answer, it was informative. But my question was about if someone feels sadness even after the abuse has stopped and the victim trusts the former abuser. The victim wants to move forward, but still feels pain from what happened in the past.
You know the saying: "forgive but not forget"? In my opinion, it's a subtle way of saying: " I fully trust you that you that you learned your lesson, but I can't forgive you, at least not entirely". Because forgiveness is when you stop being angry at someone who has wronged you.

Again, ultimately it is up to you, stay or go.

I would say, even if you are willing to forgive and not forget, if it happens again, and you feel it is not something you can tolerate, then your mental health comes first, not placating them because of some sense of oath to a common shared history.

Right, forgiveness is when you stop being angry at someone whom has wronged you.

Seems like you already gave yourself your own answer.

But regardless of you wanting to stay or go, revenge is not healthy regardless. Ok to feel sometimes, but not ok to act on in reality.

Bottom line is if it is that bad for you mentally, leave. Nothing is worth living in fear, or constantly being abused, verbally or physically or constantly walking on eggshells to please them.

[Alan V]

Unfortunately, there are terrible things in our lives. The death of someone dear to you will affect you for life, and many other bad things.

Let me know if you figure out a better answer, but I'm afraid the answer is "You can't forget, especially the worse things that happen."

It seems to me that bad memories are one of those things which evolution has saddled us with for the sake of our genes rather than our own sakes.  Evolution wants us to be sure to avoid similar problems in the future, ragardless of the needless suffering it causes us in the meantime.

Perhaps other people's brains work differently, but I bet they don't.

[brewer]

Unfortunately, there are terrible things in our lives. The death of someone dear to you will affect you for life, and many other bad things.
What if you can't (fully) let go of something that ended well?
What if let's say someone abused another person, then made it up for it and the 2 now have a healthy relationship. But the former abuse can't help but still feel grudge against the other, even if it's in the past. 
What if the abuser can't let go of what they did, even if they're mostly happy?
Or what if you can't let go of a car accident, even if everybody who got hurt healed just fine, at least physically, or didn't get hurt at all?

That's a whole lot of "what if's"  with the outcomes all negative.

What if the person has an industrial lobotomy accident and can't remember a damn thing to be upset about?

You need to start being grateful for what you've got and mindful living in the present.