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Feedback appreciated
November 19, 2018 at 9:22 am
Hey everyone,
Could use some input on this one!
Making it for a friend who's putting together an indie game centered in WWII.
Entrenched
The soil soaks with the blood of brothers
though the iron is not bound to the ground:
It is flung forth from us to the others
in a monstrous nightmare we try to mount
and ride towards the glow of the rising sun.
Arm the cannons and rip the skies asunder,
the struggle for a horse has only just begun:
Kill the man you were and let it thunder.
Worry only how to live with yourself
after you make sure that you'll live.
Forget the One and his band of twelve
and the forgiveness that He might give.
Nothing is sacred in love nor in war.
Arm the cannons and rip your soul asunder,
the high horse of dawn grazes too far.
Kill the man you'd be and let it thunder.
"If we go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, last night, suggesting 69.
![[Image: 41bebac06973488da2b0740b6ac37538.jpg]](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/41/be/ba/41bebac06973488da2b0740b6ac37538.jpg) -
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RE: Feedback appreciated
November 19, 2018 at 9:27 am
War is hell. Not really something to glorify.
Liked the poem though.
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RE: Feedback appreciated
November 19, 2018 at 9:53 am
Well it isn't really meant to glorify war. But The game is about making tough decisionS in wartime, to survive.
"If we go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, last night, suggesting 69.
-
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RE: Feedback appreciated
November 19, 2018 at 11:14 am
Are you asking for a poetry critique for a game regarding war?
"There ought to be a term that would designate those who actually follow the teachings of Jesus, since the word 'Christian' has been largely divorced from those teachings, and so polluted by fundamentalists that it has come to connote their polar opposite: intolerance, vindictive hatred, and bigotry." -- Philip Stater, Huffington Post
always working on cleaning my windows- me regarding Johari
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RE: Feedback appreciated
November 19, 2018 at 11:21 am
Mr Obvious,
One thing I have learned in over 30 years of writing poetry and reading poetry is that you end up realizing it still amounts to art and art being subjective. I can't criticize anything. I can only say I like an individual poem, or not. I have seen lots of times in the poetry group long ago, that I belonged to, that there were poems I liked that others did not like, and that went in all directions.
Just be you and do you. Your words will connect with some and not others. I will say this though, I am no fan of stuffy technocrats. It isn't that their poems are bad, but more along the lines they get judgmental. I would never claim to be myself, the best poet in the world, far from it. But I have written almost 1,000, and while many I look back at and say "What was I thinking" there are also many I will defend tooth and nail.
Point is if you like writing, when you just do it, it shows and when you are simply yourself, you don't get everyone liking a certain poem, but you can strike a cord with others.
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RE: Feedback appreciated
November 19, 2018 at 11:27 am
(November 19, 2018 at 11:14 am)tackattack Wrote: Are you asking for a poetry critique for a game regarding war?
A game set during wartime. But basically, yes.
"If we go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, last night, suggesting 69.
-
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RE: Feedback appreciated
November 19, 2018 at 12:12 pm
Well I'll offer an opinion and critique, but I agree with Brian, that it's completely a subjective thing and should be taken with a grain of salt.
Most of the military poems that I've enjoyed had that cadence and rhythmic rhyme scheme to make me feel like I was back in boot camp.
The alliteration and inter verse rhyming are nice in the beginning, but seems like you should build to that and see if you can add more of them. I like alliterations and fun rhyme schemes.
"the struggle for a horse has only just begun" stands out to me as being out of place. Perhaps a syllable count per line would help it feel more fluid, because to me it seems a little all over the place rhythmically speaking.
I generally like it. I'm not a fan of long ballads and the size and imagery are nice. I'd just work on the rhythm and pace feeling more militaristic.
<end my 2 cents>
"There ought to be a term that would designate those who actually follow the teachings of Jesus, since the word 'Christian' has been largely divorced from those teachings, and so polluted by fundamentalists that it has come to connote their polar opposite: intolerance, vindictive hatred, and bigotry." -- Philip Stater, Huffington Post
always working on cleaning my windows- me regarding Johari
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RE: Feedback appreciated
November 19, 2018 at 12:38 pm
(This post was last modified: November 19, 2018 at 12:38 pm by Mystic.)
The Quran shows were it not for God repelling some humans by others, the earth would be in a state of chaos, and there would be no freedom of religion or expression. Although the countries who waged War against Germany did many evil things as well during the war like cause a famine and hunger in other countries by taking their food, the soldiers who fought were doing it to stop a great evil.
And to me, the sad thing is, that great evil is soon going to rule the world if we remain asleep and it's going be fascism but all in the name of tolerance and freedom gone to extreme.
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RE: Feedback appreciated
November 19, 2018 at 12:52 pm
(November 19, 2018 at 12:12 pm)tackattack Wrote: Well I'll offer an opinion and critique, but I agree with Brian, that it's completely a subjective thing and should be taken with a grain of salt.
Most of the military poems that I've enjoyed had that cadence and rhythmic rhyme scheme to make me feel like I was back in boot camp.
The alliteration and inter verse rhyming are nice in the beginning, but seems like you should build to that and see if you can add more of them. I like alliterations and fun rhyme schemes.
"the struggle for a horse has only just begun" stands out to me as being out of place. Perhaps a syllable count per line would help it feel more fluid, because to me it seems a little all over the place rhythmically speaking.
I generally like it. I'm not a fan of long ballads and the size and imagery are nice. I'd just work on the rhythm and pace feeling more militaristic.
<end my 2 cents>
Thank you. Syllable count and feel is indeed a hassle for me. I'll give it a look!
"If we go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, last night, suggesting 69.
-
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RE: Feedback appreciated
November 19, 2018 at 1:02 pm
(This post was last modified: November 19, 2018 at 1:03 pm by Brian37.)
(November 19, 2018 at 12:38 pm)MysticKnight Wrote: The Quran shows were it not for God repelling some humans by others, the earth would be in a state of chaos, and there would be no freedom of religion or expression. Although the countries who waged War against Germany did many evil things as well during the war like cause a famine and hunger in other countries by taking their food, the soldiers who fought were doing it to stop a great evil.
And to me, the sad thing is, that great evil is soon going to rule the world if we remain asleep and it's going be fascism but all in the name of tolerance and freedom gone to extreme.
Challenge to you MK, write a poem about Sushi WITHOUT mentioning the Koran or God.
GO!
It isn't that hard, I write tons of poems that don't mention ABBA.
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