[Serious] Depression

[MR. Macabre 666]

I've heard both sides of the debate about whether or not depression is a real illness, or just something in your head. I've been dealing with clinical depression ever since I had to retire and go on permanent disability in 2015. When my doctor told me that he was worried about my mental, as well as physical health, I thought he was kidding at first.

I had no idea how right he was, having to walk away from my job after over 35 years of doing the same kind of work, and realizing that I was no longer able to earn a living, can really do a number on your head. We had to sell our home because I had zero income, and then move in with family. We were living on my wife's income alone, because I didn't start receiving disability payments for over a year.

During that time, I was having a very hard time with chronic pain from osteoarthritis, and what turned out to be a ruptured disc in my neck that was causing random stabbing pain all over. I ended up having knee surgery 3 times, spinal-fusion surgery in my neck 2 different times, elbow surgery, and 3 carpal tunnel surgeries.
This was all from late 2015 until the fall of 2018. I also had pneumonia twice. Plus, the neuropathy in my feet became more of an issue. (geez)

I was severely depressed during this entire time, and considered killing myself on more than one occasion. I was taking one medication for this, but after talking to my family and my doctor, he switched me onto two different medications, and I started counseling, which I'm still doing.

As I've gotten older(64), my arthritis pain hasn't improved. The neuropathy stops me from walking or standing on my feet for more than 10-15 minutes. I've also got spinal stenosis in my lower back now that makes my legs go completely numb if I'm on my feet for too long.
It feels like I'm literally falling apart sometimes. I'm currently taking 8 prescription medications for all of this crap, with no end in sight. Except for the obvious.

Sorry for venting here, I needed to do it.

[Ahriman]

Depression is a real thing but medications won't really help if your depression is extremely bad. I went to lots of therapy, with different people, my mom wouldn't let me continue seeing the one therapist who actually knew what he was talking about, I was too young to have any say in the matter. I had a Christian therapist who was a real sweet talker but totally full of shit, I didn't realize what an asshole he was until I had already been seeing him for some number of years, I regret ever seeing him. I had a female therapist who specialized in something called "neuro feedback", basically it's a machine with electrodes and they put the electrodes on your head and you sit there and read a book or play a game on your phone or whatever and the therapist monitors your brain signals with the machine, the intended goal is for your brain signals to gradually become more stable over time, and mine became more stable but quickly went back to shit upon stopping the treatment. I am not at all convinced that the method I just described is a suitable treatment for anything. I've been put on several different medications over the years, like honestly I've tried most of the medications they make. I didn't find SSRI's effective at all, while SNRI's (similar but not the same) worked a lot better. I don't really struggle with depression, it's mania that's a problem for me. I am currently taking a mood stabilizer, an anti-psychotic, an SNRI, and an anti-anxiety. I no longer receive any kind of therapy, and I have become deeply pessimistic about therapy in general.

[Foxaèr]

I cannot claim to understand depression. I am a highly emotional individual who ignorantly wishes he could experience a genuine courting with the darkness, however.

But I figure the experts know all about it. Which is why I also figure you are probably better off listening to them.

[brewer]

Chronic pain and depression go hand in hand but I think you know that, you have my sympathies.

I had a lot of ego and self worth tied to my job/employment and planned to continue working until at least 65. When 'laid off' at age 54 I went very dark, basically tried to drink myself into oblivion for many years. Finally snapped out of it but there still exists a void that no other activity seems to fill.

[Angrboda]

I'm sorry to hear all that you've had to go through. I've been mentally well for about five years, but I had 40 years of chronic depression before that. I was constantly doubting whether my depression was real or whether I was just being lazy or whatever. Now that I'm clear of the symptoms I can easily see that it was real, but while you're in it, those doubts can be troubling.

[Nanny]

I can empathize with the OP. any type of health setback sends me into a funk, and my complaints are nothing like the level of pain OP endures. Sometimes I also feel like my body is failing me (torn MCL, high ankle sprain, UCL sprain, two broken fingers, torn hip flexor, cranial fracture with concussion, all in past 2 years). I'm 50 but have been feeling a lot older body-wise these past couple of years.

Depression is a real thing and it perpetuates itself. I encourage OP to reach out to their physician for help. I did so and while it's not magic, treatment does help. Hugs/backslap/high five to OP.

[arewethereyet]

Depression can really grind you down.  Added to chronic pain and it's hard to move at all sometimes.

I have taken anti-depressants over the years and had time I was off them.  Ones that worked 20 years ago don't work now so it's sometimes a trial and error to find the right one(s) and you have to give them enough time to work.

I still think there is a stigma with seeking help for depression but there shouldn't be.  Sometimes we need a little bit of better living through chemistry.

Vent away.  Many of us here have dealt with both physical issues and/or depression.  Some of us get it.

[MR. Macabre 666]

I don't remember which depression medication I was taking before it really became a problem, but my doctor changed my meds to two different ones, which includes an anti-psychotic. I'm also maxed out on my meds for the nerve pain in my feet, I'm taking 12 capsules every day just for that.
I'm so fucking tired of taking pills, it's over 30 a day now.

I have tried not taking my depression meds for a couple of reasons, and it's been a really bad experience both times. My wife has made me promise never to try it again, because I go from bad to really bad in less than 24 hours.
We live in NW Washington state, and we're really close to the Deception Pass Bridge, which is about 200 feet high. It's gotten so bad that I have a really hard time just driving across it, and I'll never go over it if/when I'm alone, it has to be with my wife.
I also can't be in any room with a loaded firearm for fear of using it on myself. My weapon of choice now is a baseball bat.

I know that my depression is very real, and it affects every aspect of my life, which really sucks sometimes.

[MR. Macabre 666]

Chronic pain and depression go hand in hand but I think you know that, you have my sympathies.

I had a lot of ego and self worth tied to my job/employment and planned to continue working until at least 65.  When 'laid off' at age 54 I went very dark, basically tried to drink myself into oblivion for many years. Finally snapped out of it but there still exists a void that no other activity seems to fill.

I completely agree, I'm sure that why my doctor said he was worried about my mental health. I had planned on working until I was 70, which is when I could receive 100% of my benefits, and then retire.
Our house would have been payed off by then. I worked a very physical job my entire working life, and figured I could continue to do it to earn a living, but I was wrong. My body started wearing out in 2010, and by 2011, I had to have surgery on both knees.

I only made it to the age of 56 before I couldn't do my job anymore, and had to go on permanent disability. I'm only getting about half of what I made when I was still working, which has really affected our income, and always will.
It fucking sucks.

[brewer]

Chronic pain and depression go hand in hand but I think you know that, you have my sympathies.

I had a lot of ego and self worth tied to my job/employment and planned to continue working until at least 65.  When 'laid off' at age 54 I went very dark, basically tried to drink myself into oblivion for many years. Finally snapped out of it but there still exists a void that no other activity seems to fill.

I completely agree, I'm sure that why my doctor said he was worried about my mental health. I had planned on working until I was 70, which is when I could receive 100% of my benefits, and then retire.
Our house would have been payed off by then. I worked a very physical job my entire working life, and figured I could continue to do it to earn a living, but I was wrong. My body started wearing out in 2010, and by 2011, I had to have surgery on both knees.

I only made it to the age of 56 before I couldn't do my job anymore, and had to go on permanent disability. I'm only getting about half of what I made when I was still working, which has really affected our income, and always will.
It fucking sucks.

It sounds like you could quality for SSDI. Have you tried? Is there something I'm missing, I'm not up on SSDI regulations.