943462 decrees of a Galactic Empress

[Violet]

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As some of you might be aware, I am now in control of the galaxy. The following are all of the new rules to which you are to adhere. Failure to follow these rules may result in any number of fun things... such as death by tickle torture. Being your new Galactic Empress, I can do anything I want... and I want to make most of your lives better, thus wrote these laws for my protection

1: Don't successfully assassinate the Galactic Empress. Her successor (Mr. Bun Bun) will be most displeased with you, and you will probably be subject to a number of horrific punishments... such as slipping on a banana peel and falling down a manhole into a sewer laden with feather-armed monkeys that will proceed to tickle you. To death.

2: Don't accidentally assassinate the Galactic Empress. She may have had nitroglycerin inlaid inside her chest, and this might explode. And kill you.

3: Don't try to assassinate the Galactic Empress. She has employs trial by fire to the fullest extent, and will burn you to death.

4: Don't fail to assassinate the Galactic Empress if you attempt to do so. Death by Mr. Bun Bun's machinations may be more pleasant for all involved than standing in a fire.

5: If attempting to assassinate the Galactic Empress, and you recognize that you will fail: Run. You do not want us to catch you.

6: In the 0.0000039090002090901% chance that you succeed in an assassination attempt of the Galactic Empress: don't forget to wear your best goggles. Mr. Bun Bun might give you a lighter sentence if you look your best. And what better way is there to hide an ugly face than behind some sexy goggles? This is the picture history will remember, so don't look stupid.

7: Do not violently assassinate the Galactic Empress. However much she might say she is no longer infected: you'd never really know... and spraying blood tends to carry present infections from one host to another.

8: If you do violently assassinate the Galactic Empress: Takes a shower. Mr. Bun Bun wouldn't need to give you a punishment if you're living with all of the STIs that the Bulrathi suggested she might be infected with during the (possibly rigged) election. The same Bulrathi Emperor who is currently enjoying his blood transfusions from the Galactic Empress.

9: If you find a way to non-violently assassinate the Galactic Empress, then you might be heralded as a god, for there is no way to kill the Galactic Empress that does not involve some form of violence. Congratulations. No, seriously... you've the respect of a dead demigod.

10: From this day forth, the word 'Chocolate' is to mean 'Orangutan'. This means that if anyone asks 'would you like some chocolate', they obviously mean 'would you like some orangutan?' Furthermore, every chocolate factory has been converted into an orangutan factory.

11: Don't panic. Seriously, if you mess up the chi of the Galactic Empress: she will kill you. And thus: order will be restored!

11: The whole number between 11 and 13 no longer exists. Your calendars have been updated with this change. As have your bank accounts, and all instances of this have been rounded down to 11, with the remainder sent off to the government (that is to say... me), where it belongs.

12: The Galactic Empress will lie to you. Perhaps she is a lie, perhaps this book of law is a lie, and perhaps she's just fucking with you. And your children, who are alarmingly better than your mother in bed.

13: The Galactic Empress may say whatever she darn well likes, because your house is on fire and you've just been fined 6888764576576.65 USD for all of the filthy sodomy you've commited throughout your life. An you've been fined eight times as much if you are still a virgin. For Susan's sake: get that fixed!

14-409876: All of these laws do not apply here, as they are incredibly racist and involve tentacle rape of kittens and other suchsort that none of you are interesting enough to inform of. Included here is the cure to the common cold, the various locations of the fountains of youth and elixirs of immortality, who holds the Hand of Midas, and the lost 7 cities of gold.

409877: Mosquitos. They are the devil. You will be tickled for a full minute every time you do not kill one when it presented itself to you and you noticed it. You will never experience a pleasurable afterdeath if you have not killed at least 600,000 mosquitos by the time you die.

409878-409899: Various laws involving whom you may and may not have sex with. Simply, these amount to anything that also wants it with you. And women do not want to have sex with you, I'm sorry. Actually, I'm not... since that means more of an open field for me You must also have sex *at least* once every 2 weeks, and masturbate a minimum of 3 times a day, at the dinner table in full view of everyone else. My grandpa always told me 'why have balls if you're never gonna show them off?' and I've taken his message to heart. Finally, children and caterpillars are fair game if their parents haven't fucked them yet while wearing goggles (so as to make it rape).

409900: yeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouyyyyyyyyyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouyeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouyyyyyyyyyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyyyyyyyayeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouyyyyyyyyyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyyyyyyyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyyyyaeiouaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyvvaeiouvaeiouyvyvaeiouyvyvyaeiouyaeiouyeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouyyyyyyyyyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyyyyyyyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyyyyaeiouaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyvvaeiouvaeiouyvyvaeiouyvyvyaeiouyaeiouyyeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouyyyyyyyyyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyyyyyyyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyyyyaeiouaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyvvaeiouvaeiouyvyvaeiouyvyvyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouyyyyaeiouaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyvvaeiouvaeiouyvyvaeiouyvyvyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyyyyyyyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyyyyaeiouaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyaeiouyvvaeiouvaeiouyvyvaeiouyvyvyaeiouyaeiouy

409901: You owe the Galactic Empress $1 USD for every other vowel you have read out of these laws thus far, and further $0.5 USD for every vowel you have skipped over because you were unworthy of reading it.

409902: The Galactic Empress claims responsibility for every tornado, flood, explosion, act of God(gods/goddesses/demigods/frogs), hurricane, typhoon, volcanic eruption, meteorite/comet strike, earthquake, troop deployment that killed more than 0 people, and other such powerful forces that cause destruction. Furthermore, you are to respect her desire to destroy you, your family, your home, your crops, your city, your planet, and your stepmother by paying a tithe of at least three compliments every time you witness one. 'Oh my god', 'what the fuck', 'holy chicken nuggets', and other similar phrases will work.

409903: Failure to compliment the Galactic Empress's power will result in the seizure of you, your family, your home, your crops, your city, and your planet (which will then all be mine, to toy with as I please). You can keep your stepmother.

409904-759039: These also do not apply to anyone reading this here, as all associated laws require a reading comprehension past a drunken black man's (about 3rd grade for Caucasians and 2 weeks old for asians). That isn't to say any of you are stupid... you're all special

759040: The Galactic Empress is the most beautiful woman in existence. Any woman claiming to be more beautiful than she will have their faces brutalized until the Galactic Empress is satisfied with the knowledge that they are not as beautiful as she. Then she will have their eyeballs ripped out so that they can maintain the pitiful illusion that they are still beautiful. After all, it would be too cruel to make them live with the knowledge that they are hideous.

759041: You are the mindslave of the Galactic Empress. Everything you think you've just done of your own accord was the result of the direction the Galactic Empress desired at the time. Yes, that too is the result of me. And I made you do that. You're too easy.

759042: If you manage to break free of the mind control of the Galactic Empress: know that you will be tracked down and tickled. And then you will be tied up and fed the old rusty cans we had planned on giving to the goat.

759043: You are more ticklish than the Galactic Empress. I shall have this demonstrated with my troops if you claim otherwise. And then I shall have your skin sent to the leatherworkers so that I might have a coat made of you someday. Such a reward for your insolence... they should give me a medal for human kindness

769044-943460: These do not apply to anyone reading them because they simply aren't pretty enough. These were rules involving sex and related fields, such as relationships. Marriage is banned as stupid, which shouldn't affect your relationships unless they weren't very good to begin with. Also, sodomy is heavily encouraged, as it will give me more of your money (See law 13). All porn is now free, and you will continue to make it so as to not be fined (heavily) by the state. There were numerous other things listed, but frankly you don't need to know about any of them (you ugly bastards).

943461: Explosions and building demolition are pretty. If you can look at the 11/9/2001 plane attack with anything other than awe on your face: you will be jailed immediately.

943462: The terms of this document may be subject to change without notice. You are eternally bound to this for as long as the Galactic Empress still lives. Scissors 61!

Addendum i: Did I forget to make fun of someone? It was late, only the insomniacs could have said used their brains well at this time... and well for them amounts to 'wikkikia-chuuuuuukpooooooo-nakabakamakahakaikikitakaknapawakkazappa ZONK!'.

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Hidden because it was just too beautiful to keep out in the sun all the time... like arab women!

[Welsh cake]

Hating Kangaroos is not racism, its speciesism.

Meh, I don't mind them.

[Violet]

Hating Kangaroos is not racism, its speciesism.

Meh, I don't mind them.

Species, race, frogs.... who can really tell the difference in the end?

I'll tell you who:

Wine tasters. As if it mattered

[HeyItsZeus]

Sae... you're a weird person. But it's okay.

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I'm fucking scared.

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[KichigaiNeko]

Kangaroos are marsupials not mammals child...I didn't raise you to be a galactic Empress to get something that fundamentally wrong http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kangaroo

[Napoléon]

11: The whole number between 11 and 13 no longer exists. Your calendars have been updated with this change. As have your bank accounts, and all instances of this have been rounded down to 11, with the remainder sent off to the government (that is to say... me), where it belongs.

12: The Galactic Empress will lie to you. Perhaps she is a lie, perhaps this book of law is a lie, and perhaps she's just fucking with you. And your children, who are alarmingly better than your mother in bed.

Sorry to reign on your parade Aerzia, but if the whole number between 11 and 13 does not exist how come you have used it here?

Also:

All porn is now free

If only this were true

[Darwinian]

Kangaroos are marsupials not mammals child...I didn't raise you to be a galactic Empress to get something that fundamentally wrong http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kangaroo

Kangaroos are so mammals as are all marsupials!! http://www.ucmp.berkeley.edu/mammal/mars...upial.html

You'll be telling me that dolphins are fish next

[Rayaan]

To me, your post was full of incomprehensible crap.

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So there's no need to take such an extra precaution to protect this from the UV radiation from the sun unlike for Arab women, Chinese women, or anyone else!

[Violet]

Kangaroos are marsupials not mammals child...I didn't raise you to be a galactic Empress to get something that fundamentally wrong http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kangaroo

I'm with Jack here, mom ^_^

Sorry to reign on your parade Aerzia, but if the whole number between 11 and 13 does not exist how come you have used it here?

To demonstrate the reality that the Galactic Empress may lie to you, and is probably just being silly

You'll be telling me that dolphins are fish next

... Dolphins aren't fish...?

To me, your post was full of incomprehensible crap.

Thats alright... I understand how a arab man might not be able to read it

So there's no need to take such an extra precaution to protect this from the UV radiation from the sun unlike for Arab women, Chinese women, or anyone else!

We all know the real reason that they hide their women is that they are just jealous of their bodies... all arabs and chinese are either girls or wish they had been born girls.

[Rayaan]

Thats alright... I understand how a arab man might not be able to read it

I read it. Me not an arab man, though.

Edit - Now that I know who is this "Galactic Empress," it seems that her post was not an incomprehinsible crap, afterall.