Just Here for Advice, but Hi!

[KichigaiNeko]

[Cyberman]

Good to have you aboard! Pull up a theist and make yourself comfortable!

Well, um, that’s actually an appropriate welcome message considering my problem.

Now you've definitely caught my attention...

[NoraBrimstone]

Hello and welcome!

[Pinja]

Sorry for the long post! And thanks for the others who’ve said hi! :3

Lots of weird stuff happens in intro threads.

Hello.

I see! Then I guess I should just go ahead and ask for advice in my intro thread, too.

Well, um, that’s actually an appropriate welcome message considering my problem.

Now you've definitely caught my attention...

It’s not that interesting, I promise.

So…

I’m dating someone who’s going through a crisis of faith.

I didn’t know this when he asked me out, but now that we’ve spent some time together, it’s out in the open. He’s no longer attending church, he’s just (in the past few weeks) confessed to his parents that he can no longer accept Christianity as it was taught to him, and while he still believes in a god, he’s hurt and angry at that same god.

He comes from an incredibly religious background. His parents and siblings, friends and peers, are all involved with his former church, and he himself used to travel a lot (not just within one country) with his family doing church work (I’m not sure what that entails). I figured, for him to have left it all behind, something horrible must have happened, and it turned out… yeah, something horrible did happen.

I’ve never understood why anyone would be religious to begin with so I can’t even begin to understand what having of a crisis of faith actually means for him, and he can’t seem communicate it well enough for me to get it. It’s been OK so far because we love a lot of the same things—science, volunteering, gaming, teaching, blah blah blah—and we can geek out over those other things.

I’m starting to notice, however, that his approach to it all seems to be a very Christian one. For example: While he’s gotten a degree in a field closely related to mine, I’m definitely a lot more scientifically literate; it’s almost lead to arguments, but he’s willing to accept that if there’s rigorous experiments backing things, those things are real. It’s almost like he learned what was required for his degree, but relied on his religion for the rest, and never bothered to ask more and learn more. His views on social roles are also conservative, which I can’t stand and have started to challenge him on.

I want to be supportive, but I can’t understand at all. He knows I’m an atheist. I’ve tried to ask about things, a bit, but he’s evasive or quiet about them, so I’ve backed off just to be safe.

I’m worried that once he resolves this crisis, he’ll just be as religious as ever. How many people actually become non-religious theists or atheists after going through crises of faiths?

Should I just leave it completely alone?

Should I make an issue of it? While I don’t mind theism, I do mind most religions, such as Christianity.

Should I just cut my losses?

Should I recommend him books written by atheists or something? (I never had to read any myself so I don’t even know where I would start.)

For anyone who’s gone through a crisis of faith, what helped? What didn’t?

I’m kind of flailing around. It’s obvious this is important for him. It’s just as obvious that it isn’t as important to me.

Is there a book or several that I can read?

He’s also expressed the sentiment that there must be a god because I’m apparently really, really kind and stuff, which definitely makes me uncomfortable. How ironic that an atheist would reaffirm his faith because she’s what his faith demands a person should be. I don’t want to do anything that’s against my own beliefs and morals just to make sure he remains non-religious.

I was hoping to get different perspectives on this from people who used to be Christian, from people who’ve dated Christians, from anyone who’s had any experience at all with being friends with people going through crises of faith.

Edit:

Overall, I guess I just want a better understanding of what he’s going through, and how I can positively affect that instead of becoming a huge rage-monster when he says something I seriously, genuinely do not agree with.

[pineapplebunnybounce]

Hi pinja, I don't think I welcomed you, so welcome .

A crisis of faith, is not something you should be too worried about. Because as far as I know, I've never seen anyone permanently stuck in this crisis. I want to make it clear that everything I say here, is completely from my experience, and from observing others, and your boyfriend's situation may be different.

BTW, it also really depends on whether your bf is rejecting parts of Christianity because he can no longer accept it as true, or he's just doing it because he doesn't care if it's true, he's just mad at god. For the first, the situation may be similar to what I experienced, as it would lead him to doubt the entirety of the god claim eventually, for the second ... I have no idea how that works.

I had a similar "crisis", but it was a lot more private because it was long after I left church or had any Christians around me who knew I was Christian. It's basically just this struggle within myself about what I know, and how it conflicts with what I believed in. And this fear that I'm losing my faith (taught as a bad thing in Christianity). So basically, I'm doing 2 things at once: 1. trying to reconcile my beliefs with my knowledge (will result in abandoning faith) and 2. trying to hold on to my faith. The thing that held me to 2. was fear. I'm not sure if that's the case with your bf or if he just, as you say, doesn't have enough knowledge to explain the world and is falling back on what he already knows.

It's a good thing that when I was going through this no one challenged me directly on my beliefs. Certainly a lot of things did, but not directly. If someone had asked me why do I doubt my faith, I would spring right back and assure them that I did not. Because in Christianity, you're taught to be a witness for god, if you are doubting your faith, it's not good of you to cost others their salvation as well. (I know how crazy can this get). But yea, that's what I went through.

Now I'll tell you about a friend I have, who is going through a similar crisis but with a different religion (won't say it here because its his personal things, just to be on the safe side). He is dealing with this really differently than I did, he knows I have strong opinions about religion and his in particular, and he seeks me out to talk about it, argue with me about it, while firmly maintaining that he no longer believes in god or his religion (claiming that his religion sucks, when he has been defending it the whole time). I don't challenge him on his claim of disbelief, and I rarely ever bring up religion with him, because generally my life has very little to do with religion. I plan to just let him be, it's a process, and I think he'll eventually get there. Or somewhere.

What I do believe, is that this process is entirely personal. You could try to push someone along, but it never really works. Just like deconversion can never happen just because you explain to someone their god is illogical, you can only plant little questions in them that they may one day decide to acknowledge. If I were in your position, I wouldn't push your bf into being clear about his religious stance, I wouldn't pressure him into having to identify as something. But I wouldn't refrain from discussing things with him like i do with everyone else. No need to keep out the "controversial" topics that may suggest god doesn't exist, but don't bring up god unless he does. It really depends on how he is, the friend I mentioned never gets mad at me for disagreeing with him on everything, but I have met people who would get hostile if you even come near their religion and suggest it's crap.

As for whether or not you should cut your losses ... I don't mind being around religious people if they don't mind my atheism.

Anyway, I hope that's helpful for you. This isn't a very scientific area, and I guess do what you think is best . Good luck.

[Rahul]

Hi Pinja,

I went through this too with my old faith. He's losing his belief in it and it's going to make him very angry for a while. But he'll eventually calm down over it. It makes one very angry to finally realize that it's all a lie and he has been suckered for so long.

This is a good thing. But he's going to be emotionally voliatile for a few years or so at times about it.

Rahul

[Tonus]

Welcome to the forums, Pinja.

He’s no longer attending church, he’s just (in the past few weeks) confessed to his parents that he can no longer accept Christianity as it was taught to him, and while he still believes in a god, he’s hurt and angry at that same god.

I think that a person going through a crisis of faith is fighting two battles: that of the conscious versus the subconscious mind, and that of reason versus emotion. The conscious mind has begun to have doubts about his religious beliefs, but the subconscious still holds tightly to the core beliefs (such as that god exists) and will not easily release them. He has used reason to create those doubts, but he may be facing a tremendous amount of emotional pressure to reaffirm his beliefs. He might be facing ostracism from his family, from friends, from his community, possibly from people who can help advance his career.

He seems to be reacting emotionally (see bold above, and his argument that 'you are a nice person, therefore god'). I think your best option is to respond with reason. It may not be enough, but responding emotionally would simply help him to reaffirm his faith, IMO. Emotion should not substitute for reason when considering such important issues.

[The Reality Salesman01]

[

I see! Then I guess I should just go ahead and ask for advice in my intro thread, too.

Welcome aboard.

I’m dating someone who’s going through a crisis of faith.

Ah ha!

I want to be supportive, but I can’t understand at all. He knows I’m an atheist. I’ve tried to ask about things, a bit, but he’s evasive or quiet about them, so I’ve backed off just to be safe. .

He’s holding on to God, and he thinks he has a good reason to. For whatever reason, God is providing him a comfort for something that he can’t make sense of without. You have to figure out what his gap is. If you can fill that gap with something real, it will be easier for him, I think.

How many people actually become non-religious theists or atheists after going through crises of faiths?

LOTS! How many people grow up believing in Santa, and know better as adults? It works with God too. For some people, it just takes longer to catch on.

Should I just leave it completely alone?

Stay away from confrontational forms of speech. My girlfriend tells me all the time, that when I get worked up in an argument, I start using hand gestures, and it intimidates her! Lol. I think anybody that has a niche for smelling bullshit tends to get worked up when there’s an abundance of it in the immediate area. If it does come up, you’ve got to approach it as if you were talking to a child that was holding a dead puppy. You’re trying to console while trying to offer clarity.

Should I make an issue of it? While I don’t mind theism, I do mind most religions, such as Christianity.

Christianity does ask some crazy things of its followers, but a lot of Christians, aren’t that different than us. They’re not all radicals or extremists. Christians, like Atheists, can get a worse reputation than they deserve from the people before them that drag it through the dirt. In the end, Christianity just doesn’t make any sense. Lots of terrible things have happened in the name of God(s), but each individual that believes in those Gods, believes in them in a different way, and isn’t responsible for all those terrible things. Try to take put your biases for religions aside, and just approach the subject objectively, on the merits of the claims your boyfriend believes. Every Christian seems to have their own brand, and its important to address the brand that’s unique to him. When you do this, keep the above advice in mind.

Should I just cut my losses?

No way! That’s what makes this forum so fun. Each time you hear a new God brand, it’s an opportunity to sharpen and reinforce the thinking skills that prevent you from falling victim to them. Talking to your boyfriend is an opportunity for you to grow as much as it is for him. Tact is the key (I still struggle with this myself).

Should I recommend him books written by atheists or something? (I never had to read any myself so I don’t even know where I would start.)

Reading some may be helpful to you in understanding more of the barriers in place for believers. The books address a lot of them, and make convincing objections to them. We offer them all the time here, but until the individual decides to really challenge their beliefs, they won’t hit the mark. He’s wearing blinders, but they’re fading. He sounds smart, and its important not to make him feel dumb for his beliefs. A lot of times, that will make someone hold on longer. He may already have decided against it, but is pretending otherwise out of fear of hearing “I told you so’s!” It’s important that he knows your on his team. Be sympathetic if you can’t be empathetic. Perhaps you could get a book to read with him. Express your own ignorance on the subject, like:
“I don’t really understand all the God objections either, lets look at this book together. Maybe it will help make more sense of it for US”
Allow him a chance to discover something neither one of you has thought about. Just like everyone believes for their own reason, lots of people abandon those beliefs for different reasons as well. We all find it very interesting to talk about on here.

I hope some of this is useful. Welcome to the forums, hope to see ya around!!!

[Rahul]

Should I recommend him books written by atheists or something? (I never had to read any myself so I don’t even know where I would start.)

I'd recommend End of Faith by Sam Harris. He has a calm way of talking about religion while also devasting it's ideas.

I enjoyed the book very much.

[The Reality Salesman01]

Sam Harris does a great job of talking to the absurdities of religion. Very tactful. I just read Free Will yesterday. Awesome! I'm gonna read it again, its a pretty short book. I downloaded it on my Kindle and had no idea how short it was.