joke time

[The Valkyrie]

Mountains aren't just funny - they're hill areas.

Boru

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today.

Turned out it said, "Thick cut".

[Darinda]

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A good name for a clone brothel would be 'Go Fuck Yourself'.

Boru

[Darinda]

A guy needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so he found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So he went into the other one, closed the door, dropped his trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to him: “Hello mate, how are you doing?” Although he thought that it was a bit strange, he didn’t want to be rude, so he replied, “Not too bad, thanks.”

After a short pause, he heard the voice again. “So, what are you up to?” Again he answered, somewhat reluctantly, “Just having a quick dump… How about yourself?”

The next thing the guy heard was, “Sorry, mate, I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some idiot in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Everyone knows that 'scuba' is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. 

What is less well known is that 'tuba' is an acronym for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Boru

[Fireball]

You ever notice how tuba players in a marching band are guys who are maybe 5'-5" tall?

[Brian37]

Just read this joke someone posted on FB.

What did Spartacus say to the lion after it ate his wife?

Nothing, he was gladiator..

[Disagreeable]

Mountains aren't just funny - they're hill areas.

Boru

That's a great one!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

If you're going to be alone this Valentine's Day, don't let it get you down - you can still enjoy the day. Find a couple who are clearly celebrating the day with a romantic outing, walk up to them and say, 'So THIS is why you're not answering my texts!!'

Boru

[Darinda]

“So why did you fire your secretary, Janet?” one businessman asked of another.

“Well, it was like this. When I woke up that morning it was my fiftieth birthday. I expected to go downstairs and have a little present waiting on me from my wife and kids and my favourite breakfast waiting for me. Nothing. My wife didn’t even say Happy Birthday.

“In a mood at this I just took off, grumbling to myself as I drove that wasn’t that just typical of family. If i had forgot HER birthday!

“I get to the office and Janet says, “Happy Brithday, sir!” and I thought, well, at least SHE remembered.

“At noon Janet says ‘You know, sir, it’s a lovely day and with it being your birthday, what would you say if I asked you to lunch with me?’

“Well, I am fair taken with the idea. We go somewhere quiet so we are alone, and truth to tell, it was most pleasant being in the company of such a lovely girl. The meal is pleasant too, and Janet suggests a martini.

“So we have one or two martinis, then I suggest a brandy for me and a snowball for her. She seems a bit reluctant but does so. I think it was at this point I started behaving a little silly. I complained that I had the most selfish wife in the world and dear Janet said I was not to talk about my good lady in such a way. I said that’s very honourable, but she must know I am telling the truth.

“She then says, ‘Look, why don’t you and I go to my place?’ Well! I was so taken aback I didn’t know what to say. This beautiful creature wanting to take me, this middle aged man curmudgeon to her place? I reckoned she felt sorry for me. Well, hang it, I was sorry for me too. I said of course!

“We got a taxi and went to her apartment. She led me gently into the lounge where she prepared some more drinks and she started to giggle. “I bet you thought today would never turn out to be a good one. But I promise you a birthday you’ll never forget. Now, I need to go and, well, get something very special for you!” And she flounced off

“My excitement rose and rose. Ten minutes went by and she came back in the room with a giant birthday cake, my wife and all my children.

“And I was sitting there wearing nothing but my socks!”