Need some rather personal advice

[KevinM1]

Ideally, I'd post this in the 18+ section, but I haven't dinged 60 days in my membership yet. This is also kind of long winded, so please bear with me.

Succinctly put, I'd like to find a mate/spouse/significant other, but I have no idea how, nor if I can ultimately be successful in finding one.

Like I mentioned in my intro post and in some other posts, I'm physically disabled. Specifically, I have Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita. The long and short of it is physical disability from birth, consisting of deformities in my joints and missing muscle groups. I've had ~43 or so surgeries since birth (you lose track after a while...) to give me what mobility and strength I do have, with some assorted other things (rods in my back, plates in each hip, etc.).

Because of that, I need constant care. When I'm in my electric wheelchair, I'm somewhat self-sufficient, so long as my tray is attached and I can reach things. But I need help in the activities of daily living department (food prep, laundry, toilet, showers, in/out of bed, that sort of thing).

With all of that is a heaping dose of doubt in myself on that part. Is it possible for me to find someone that would still be able to look at me as an equal partner and not a patient? Can I be an equal partner? Would I be happy having someone I love do all of those things for me?

I'd like to find out. The other problem, linked to the first, is that I don't really have an opportunity to go out and meet people. I live at the home I've always lived in. Presently, my retired mother takes care of me. I cannot drive myself to places (I can drive my wheelchair, but not my accessible van). So the one two punch of needing a chaperone to bring me places and "hey, wanna come back to my place? You can meet my mom" is a pretty big hurdle. Not that I don't love my mom, of course.

How can I meet people? Dating sites seem kind of fishy, especially since you need to pay them before you can really do anything. The blind first date thing really isn't feasible, either, given the logistics laid out above. Is there a place online where you can just meet people first, then move on? I'm not interested in sex (well, that's a lie ), but rather a lasting relationship.

I have had one previous relationship before, way back at the end of high school/beginning of college. But, being a dumb 19/20 year old, I messed it up. I'm now nearly 35 I have reconnected with her, but she's been in a committed relationship since our breakup, so we're just friends, which is incredibly bittersweet from my perspective.

So, with all that said, I'm lonely, but I'm not sure how, or even if, I can remedy it. I love my family and friends, but I want more.

I'm really interested in hearing your advice, especially from any female members that may read this. Would any of you enter or stay in a relationship knowing up front all of the extra work and logistical issues it would entail? Like, say, wiping my butt (gross, but, reality)? Are there any places online where you can get to know people without entering blind date hell?

[CapnAwesome]

You know, I think dating sites are probably the way to go for you. I don't use them myself, but my younger brother met his wife on one (okcupid) and there are lots of people I know who use them to meet people. Also I feel like you are far less likely to meet someone super weird as a male. They aren't nearly as fishy as they were ten years ago. They've become part of the mainstream and you can lay out all this stuff as part of your profile so there isn't any surprises to the person you meet. Plus you can talk to someone online via skype or something so they can get to know you as a person before thinking of you as somebody who is disabled. If you aren't a superficial person, and somehow I assume that you are not, then your dating pool can be quite large. Just bite down and pay whatever charge (not really that major of an expense mostly) and try it out. That would be my recommendation.

[Jenny A]

Kevin,

I understand completely why you would want more. But I'm not at all sure how that can be arranged though I am going to take a stab at it.

I think that if you used a on-line dating service and disclosed your condition you would not get many, if any responses to your profile or inquiries. If you didn't disclose your condition and sprung it on a first date, the results would not be good either. So I would forget the dating sites.

I suggest you get to know women you admire on-line for their brains and personalities on non-dating sites. Once you have established mutual liking, you might then explain your circumstances. With luck, she'll already be hooked enough on you to be willing to give the physical you a try. What you should not do is court her (a very old fashioned word) until you have made your disclosure. What you should do, is make very good friends with her first.

Now, don't take any of my advice as the word of all woman or the best possible advice. I've only described how I imagine you might have caught me were I younger and single. Maybe other women will have better advice.

[The Grand Nudger]

Jacks going to be a dull boy if Jenny raises him right...lol.

[Jenny A]

There you have it, two contradictory posts right out of the box.

[CapnAwesome]

There you have it, two contradictory posts right out of the box.

Haha, of course. Not that I think your advice is bad, it's good advice. In fact there is no reason why he couldn't do both. I think there are some advantages to using a dating site though, the main one being that you can find people in your area. Where as on some random online site they might have to relocate. Already whoever is going to be involved is going to be burdened enough as it is without the additional burden of having to relocate. Also maybe he doesn't get hits on the dating site, he can still peruse other people as much as he likes and if he's not that superficial I'd imagine there are lots of women out there who are not superficial either.

[Jenny A]

And there's the possibility of looking for a disabled woman:

Disabled Passions 100% Free Disabled Dating & Social Networking, Disabled Personals & Disability Chat

http://dating4disabled.com/

Seems there's a site for every dating situation imaginable.

---

There you have it, two contradictory posts right out of the box.

Haha, of course. Not that I think your advice is bad, it's good advice. In fact there is no reason why he couldn't do both. I think there are some advantages to using a dating site though, the main one being that you can find people in your area. Where as on some random online site they might have to relocate. Already whoever is going to be involved is going to be burdened enough as it is without the additional burden of having to relocate. Also maybe he doesn't get hits on the dating site, he can still peruse other people as much as he likes and if he's not that superficial I'd imagine there are lots of women out there who are not superficial either.

Location is indeed a point.

[CapnAwesome]

Not on topic (Sorry) but I keep getting confused by people replying to you because my name is Kevin.

[paulpablo]

I'm almost certain there are dating sites for people with disabilities. I've never been on them before so I don't know if they cost money or not.

I'm a bit of an anti social freak, I've only ever met women from online. Yahoo, camfrog, plenty of fish and fab swingers. I full recommend the internet to anyone. It's like trying to sell something using amazon vs trying to sell something at your local town market.

[robvalue]

I would also recommend online dating, probably on a site geared towards disabled people.

I can relate somewhat to your situation. I wanted to find love, but came to the realisation that I am so picky about the kind of woman I would want to be with, that just hoping to meet one was going to be near impossible. I won't bore you with the details, but I'm not talking about any superficial things, but rather stances on important issues. Things that matter to me too much to compromise about in a relationship.

Since meeting my wonderful wife (online), I got struck down very quickly with chronic fatigue syndrome, and have been off work with it ever since. Because we can't afford any sort of care, she does a lot to look after me as well as looking after the house, when I am too tired to do things myself. She is partially my carer, but it in no way detracts from our relationship. When she is ill I step up and look after her too, I dig deep and find the energy to do things for her in the short term, then I crash when she gets better.

So I don't think what you seek is impossible, and although your care situation is very different to mine, I don't think that a potential partner who really loves you would be unable to deal with your situation.

It's best in my opinion to be totally up front about it all on your profile (if you go the online route) so that you know anyone who contacts you is already partially on board.