Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[The Valkyrie]

CIJS?
Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Not just in a funny way of saying it. No. I think perhaps I lost all sense of normalcy sometime in the last four years and I have learned to live in paranoia, fear, exhaustion, phases of carelessness, highs, lows, hiding, complying, actually having fun in the middle of it all, day dreaming of death, knowing I'd never do it, sabotage, guilt, pity, and wondering...
Maybe I'm exaggerating? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm seeing things. Maybe I'm harsh. Maybe I'm delusional. Then I see the evidence. Texts. People remembering. Pictures. I'm not exaggerating. Right? I have reasons to feel this way. But then... why doesn't it stop? Why don't I do something more to help myself? So, I'm a fool. An idiot. A crazy person who died four years ago and has been laughing at jokes, drinking a beer, enjoying flan, walking around slow motion. If you zoom in, there are shadows lingering. I'm waving and high fiving while in my bruised head I'm wondering... will my heart stop in the next minutes? Please? It won't, because I'm a strong but weak person. I fail in normal. Normal is not keen to me. I have nornalized the lack of commitment to joy. I'm a fraud. I laugh out loud at dinner like an emoji on a screen. It's not flesh. My heart skips a beat when something is beautiful, but it skips days and years because I'm a coward. A coward. A fucken coward.
I'll take my meds and continue my treatment, because I refuse to waste another decade. I'll see my psychiatrist, therapist and primary doctor, because they say I can get better. I'll keep getting help. But can I just say? I think they're not aware that I'm not just bruised. I'm dismembered. I'm shattered glass that will never forgive the cracks even with glue. No amount of paint will make this paper wall become concrete. Whatever.

Then I think maybe I'm not crazy... I'm just experiencing side effects. Stop, Jack. Just stop.

That's not insanity.

That's being a normal human.  I go through all of those on a semi-weekly basis.

Big hugs.

[Athene]

CIJS?

You motherfuckers don't pay me enough to abandon basic principles and cower in silence.

The Emperor has no clothes. 
This regime is ass.

[Kernel Sohcahtoa]

CIJS,

I was on my way to work this morning and noticed some drivers swerving away from the side of the road.  As I got near that same point, I noticed a duck and its ducklings on the side of the road and then stopped my car as the duck took the lead and walked itself and its ducklings across the road to safety. Hence, IMO, it was a beautiful sight to see them going about their business (just as humanity goes about theirs); I hope that they are able to enjoy their unique existence in nature, and hopefully, they will not have to experience too many  of humanity's inconveniences.

[Mystical]

Jack, love, you're one of the sanest down to earth people I've ever come across on this earth. Even you post about insanity, is sane. When you're living life to the fullest, sometimes yes you do look back and think, damn that was crazy! But.. it wasnt.
If anything over the years I've learned, is that you got dealt a shit hand from the beginning and you've still managed to thrive and take the dive off the diving cliff. Do you think divers are crazy? They dive but it's safe. You dive and you're safe! You just have some epic Manipulative gas ligthters in your life. Identify them for who they are, move on, and focus on you and your babies. That's what I think.
You're a strong beautiful independent woman in a society whose 'normalcy' measure is way, wayyyyy off.

So.. put that in your popper and pop it! You're sane. Question overruled. I want popcorn!

[The Valkyrie]

[J a c k]

Jack, love, you're one of the sanest down to earth people I've ever come across on this earth. Even you post about insanity, is sane. When you're living life to the fullest, sometimes yes you do look back and think, damn that was crazy! But.. it wasnt.
If anything over the years I've learned, is that you got dealt a shit hand from the beginning and you've still managed to thrive and take the dive off the diving cliff. Do you think divers are crazy? They dive but it's safe. You dive and you're safe! You just have some epic Manipulative gas ligthters in your life. Identify them for who they are, move on, and focus on you and your babies. That's what I think.
You're a strong beautiful independent woman in a society whose 'normalcy' measure is way, wayyyyy off.

So.. put that in your popper and pop it! You're sane. Question overruled. I want popcorn!

Thank you, amiga. So much.

[SteelCurtain]

CIJS?
Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Not just in a funny way of saying it. No. I think perhaps I lost all sense of normalcy sometime in the last four years and I have learned to live in paranoia, fear, exhaustion, phases of carelessness, highs, lows, hiding, complying, actually having fun in the middle of it all, day dreaming of death, knowing I'd never do it, sabotage, guilt, pity, and wondering...
Maybe I'm exaggerating? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm seeing things. Maybe I'm harsh. Maybe I'm delusional. Then I see the evidence. Texts. People remembering. Pictures. I'm not exaggerating. Right? I have reasons to feel this way. But then... why doesn't it stop? Why don't I do something more to help myself? So, I'm a fool. An idiot. A crazy person who died four years ago and has been laughing at jokes, drinking a beer, enjoying flan, walking around slow motion. If you zoom in, there are shadows lingering. I'm waving and high fiving while in my bruised head I'm wondering... will my heart stop in the next minutes? Please? It won't, because I'm a strong but weak person. I fail in normal. Normal is not keen to me. I have nornalized the lack of commitment to joy. I'm a fraud. I laugh out loud at dinner like an emoji on a screen. It's not flesh. My heart skips a beat when something is beautiful, but it skips days and years because I'm a coward. A coward. A fucken coward.
I'll take my meds and continue my treatment, because I refuse to waste another decade. I'll see my psychiatrist, therapist and primary doctor, because they say I can get better. I'll keep getting help. But can I just say? I think they're not aware that I'm not just bruised. I'm dismembered. I'm shattered glass that will never forgive the cracks even with glue. No amount of paint will make this paper wall become concrete. Whatever.

Then I think maybe I'm not crazy... I'm just experiencing side effects. Stop, Jack. Just stop.

CIJS?

You constantly impress me with your intelligence and strength. Whatever ails you, I am confident you'll handle it.

If this kind of stuff is what comes from beer, m'lady---moar beer.

[J a c k]

---

CIJS?
Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Not just in a funny way of saying it. No. I think perhaps I lost all sense of normalcy sometime in the last four years and I have learned to live in paranoia, fear, exhaustion, phases of carelessness, highs, lows, hiding, complying, actually having fun in the middle of it all, day dreaming of death, knowing I'd never do it, sabotage, guilt, pity, and wondering...
Maybe I'm exaggerating? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm seeing things. Maybe I'm harsh. Maybe I'm delusional. Then I see the evidence. Texts. People remembering. Pictures. I'm not exaggerating. Right? I have reasons to feel this way. But then... why doesn't it stop? Why don't I do something more to help myself? So, I'm a fool. An idiot. A crazy person who died four years ago and has been laughing at jokes, drinking a beer, enjoying flan, walking around slow motion. If you zoom in, there are shadows lingering. I'm waving and high fiving while in my bruised head I'm wondering... will my heart stop in the next minutes? Please? It won't, because I'm a strong but weak person. I fail in normal. Normal is not keen to me. I have nornalized the lack of commitment to joy. I'm a fraud. I laugh out loud at dinner like an emoji on a screen. It's not flesh. My heart skips a beat when something is beautiful, but it skips days and years because I'm a coward. A coward. A fucken coward.
I'll take my meds and continue my treatment, because I refuse to waste another decade. I'll see my psychiatrist, therapist and primary doctor, because they say I can get better. I'll keep getting help. But can I just say? I think they're not aware that I'm not just bruised. I'm dismembered. I'm shattered glass that will never forgive the cracks even with glue. No amount of paint will make this paper wall become concrete. Whatever.

Then I think maybe I'm not crazy... I'm just experiencing side effects. Stop, Jack. Just stop.

---

CIJS?

You constantly impress me with your intelligence and strength. Whatever ails you, I am confident you'll handle it.

If this kind of stuff is what comes from beer, m'lady---moar beer.

Aw, steel.  
Thank you. (Hug)

[Astreja]

CIJS that May 28 is always an amazing day for me.  Never mind that it's the 17th anniversary of the day I dumped your sorry ass.  The house smells like ginger and sesame, the rain makes the garden smell like the Best Greenhouse Ever, and I have a bottle of cava and I know how to use it.   

[Joods]

CIJS
For the first time since I've graduated, I'm feeling unsure of myself and my skills.

Don't be.
There will always be people like that, regardless of your skill level.
Just keep doing the best you know - which I hear is awesome - and you'll be fine.

Did your colleagues comment on that?

They all know that I'm "new" to this and that if I need help, they are to give it to me. I don't want to make anyone there feel like I need to have my work constantly checked. But, if I am stuck, I won't hesitate to ask if someone isn't busy. So my co-workers are all on board and have made me feel really welcome there. Truly nice gals to work with. 

Thank you for the kind words. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. The last time I worked was 13 years ago. I was an office manager. It was part time because of being a single mom at the time. I will fully admit - cutting hair is a hell of a lot harder than formulating color. At least for me it is.