Best wishes with your goals. I can relate, but only have one of those wackos in my life that I'm trying to get away from. He's a total narcissist, and it sounds similar to how you describe it. We all have different situations or issues in our lives, some are easier to get away from than others. I really hope it works out for you, sooner rather than later.

(August 2, 2015 at 9:44 pm)Thena323 Wrote: I still drop by, only because my father isn't well and I don't want him to feel that I've abandoned him. I do love my mother and sister as well, but I had to accept that they are just lost.....so far gone, I can't see them ever coming back .  It's sad and very lonely sometimes, but you can't let yourself go down with the ship. We're all going to have to learn to get by without the ones that we love someday.....sometimes it's sooner than we think.

When your family is the most important thing in the world to you, and they always have been;
and when your family always had all the machinery for happiness, but ended up unhappy anyway, and so needlessly,
and when you round that point where you realize they are lost and that all your efforts to save them were for nought,
and when you know they will realize their mistake too late, and then hate themselves,
and you tried but failed to warn them of the coming disaster,
it makes you feel like you'll never be happy again, at least not nearly as much...and it makes you feel like you cannot trust,
and you don't understand, because you tried to do everything they taught you, and sacrifice everything you had,
and they also feel like strangers to you...even though you grew up in the same house, with the same values.

I could accept that I will lose them someday, and even sooner than I might like...

...if only the time that we DID have together wasn't so needlessly destroyed, and was something happy to look back upon.

(August 2, 2015 at 9:44 pm)Parkers Tan Wrote: Your choice seems to be between your mother's misery and yours.

This is exactly accurate. I said it to my Dad, at one point,

Mom is making me choose between:

A) Knowing that I made my mother happy...by remaining in her clutches...even though she's ruining my life

B) Getting some peace, and keeping my sanity and self-respect, by walking away from her...even though I will feel like a failure and a deserter.

But you went on,

(August 2, 2015 at 9:44 pm)Parkers Tan Wrote: You aren't insisting on misery -- she is.

Act accordingly.

...and this is very true. I have to struggle to remember this part. She is putting the stick in my hand.

I would suggest getting ahold of a copy of "how to deal with difficult people" at the library.
Only when you can force fair, even conversation can you move forward.

(August 2, 2015 at 9:46 pm)Yeauxleaux Wrote: I think I have to echo what other people are saying here and live your life for you. Your mother is a grown woman, if she can't sort her own shit out it's not always on you to tidy up her mess.

We've just been through a kind of relateable situation. The week we spent in the hospital as my Dad was dying, my Nan was doing too fucking much refusing to eat, snapping at people, waking people up when they got exhausted. Literally an hour before my Dad died (and was very clearly about to go), my one aunt (who I'll call Janina) and my grandmother just started ganging up on my other aunt (who I'll call Maria) and being real nasty. They verbally attacked her in the hospital the morning my Dad was on death's door, and they did it again at the funeral. My Mum is absolutely insulted and refuses to have anything to do with Janina and my Grandmother now, although we've grown closer to Maria because she helped us a lot with the funeral while the others disappeared. We've bonded with Maria a lot over Dad's death, we were never close before. She's cut them off too.

It's only because I have sympathy for her losing her son (every loving parent's worst nightmare, I do ache for her) and because she doesn't have many people in her life that I'm still checking up on my grandmother, but I'm not going out of my way. Janina I haven't spoken to since at all, might again at some point, doubt it. Sometimes you just have to let these people go, if they're being a detriment to you and causing all this drama they have to go. Blood doesn't necessarily make you family, I firmly believe that. Just because we're blood relatives doesn't mean I have to like you, respect everything you do and kiss your ass. Some people might call me a heartless bastard but honestly I don't care, what I've said here about my family is the tip of the ice berg.

If you've genuinely tried to help your mother already and she just won't be helped, give it up. She'll have to go her own way and hopefully one day she'll realise she fucked up big time and change her ways.

I'm sorry you had to go through that hell with your family.  I understand about it being the tip of the iceberg, believe me, I could write a novel, myself.

I KNOW my mother will realize her mistake only after it's too late.  It is because she is a bit of a simpleton that I find it difficult to let go.  Many times mom has expected me to clean up her messes....much the way my grandmother did to HER.  I know mom is hell-bent on destroying our relationship, and then blaming me, and driving me away, even though I warned her it would eventually happen...and THEN she will be alone, and realize her mistake.  And THEN  she will hate herself.  And since my grandmother and aunt have already made her spend her life hating herself, I have been trying to prevent that very thing from occurring.  But you're right....I tried and tried and tried....to no avail.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  So, once again....I have to leave.

Thanks for sharing your story.

(August 2, 2015 at 10:22 pm)Salacious B. Crumb Wrote: Best wishes with your goals. I can relate, but only have one of those wackos in my life that I'm trying to get away from. He's a total narcissist, and it sounds similar to how you describe it. We all have different situations or issues in our lives, some are easier to get away from than others. I really hope it works out for you, sooner rather than later.

Yes, as I get older, it is appalling to realize just how effed up people can be, and how many different KINDS of effed-up there is.

Thank you for your supportive words.  I hope you succeed in getting away from the narcissist in your life, too.

(August 2, 2015 at 10:22 pm)MTL Wrote:

(August 2, 2015 at 9:44 pm)Thena323 Wrote: I still drop by, only because my father isn't well and I don't want him to feel that I've abandoned him. I do love my mother and sister as well, but I had to accept that they are just lost.....so far gone, I can't see them ever coming back .  It's sad and very lonely sometimes, but you can't let yourself go down with the ship. We're all going to have to learn to get by without the ones that we love someday.....sometimes it's sooner than we think.

When your family is the most important thing in the world to you, and they always have been;
and when your family always had all the machinery for happiness, but ended up unhappy anyway, and so needlessly,
and when you round that point where you realize they are lost and that all your efforts to save them were for nought,
and when you know they will realize their mistake too late, and then hate themselves,
and you tried but failed to warn them of the coming disaster,
it makes you feel like you'll never be happy again, at least not nearly as much...and it makes you feel like you cannot trust,
and you don't understand, because you tried to do everything they taught you, and sacrifice everything you had,
and they also feel like strangers to you...even though you grew up in the same house, with the same values.

I could accept that I will lose them someday, and even sooner than I might like...

...if only the time that we DID have together wasn't so needlessly destroyed, and was something happy to look back upon.  

You can't go back, only push ahead. Your situation is likely very different than mine. If you step away separate yourself from the situation for awhile, maybe you'll be able to see things more clearly. Maybe your family will come to understand how their actions are hurting you, in your absence. At the very least, they might tone it down, if they know you won't tolerate it.

(August 2, 2015 at 10:30 pm)MTL Wrote:

(August 2, 2015 at 9:44 pm)Parkers Tan Wrote: Your choice seems to be between your mother's misery and yours.

This is exactly accurate. I said it to my Dad, at one point,

Mom is making me choose between:

A) Knowing that I made my mother happy...by remaining in her clutches...even though she's ruining my life

B) Getting some peace, and keeping my sanity and self-respect, by walking away from her...even though I will feel like a failure and a deserter.

But you went on,

(August 2, 2015 at 9:44 pm)Parkers Tan Wrote: You aren't insisting on misery -- she is.

Act accordingly.

...and this is very true. I have to struggle to remember this part. She is putting the stick in my hand.

It's difficult, no doubt. I sure didn't mean to make it sound like a snap decision; but at the end of the day, it's your life on replay as you die, it's hers on replay as she dies, and you can only own your own feelings. You cannot own hers. She is laying upon you a burden you ought not carry, and in my uninformed opinion, it seems intentional. To buy into that is a form of sacrificing your own happiness, with little guarantee of assuring hers.

I'm sorry if my words seem too blunt on what is doubtless a delicate subject for you, but letting someone else own your life, even your own mother, with no obvious benefit to either of you strikes me as pointless.

My sympathies for your situation; it seems like a shit sandwich all the way around.

And Yolo, my sympathies on your plight.

(August 2, 2015 at 11:17 pm)Parkers Tan Wrote:

(August 2, 2015 at 10:30 pm)MTL Wrote: This is exactly accurate.  I said it to my Dad, at one point,

Mom is making me choose between:

A)  Knowing that I made my mother happy...by remaining in her clutches...even though she's ruining my life

B)  Getting some peace, and keeping my sanity and self-respect, by walking away from her...even though I will feel like a failure and a deserter.

But you went on,


...and this is very true.  I have to struggle to remember this part.  She is putting the stick in my hand.

It's difficult, no doubt. I sure didn't mean to make it sound like a snap decision; but at the end of the day, it's your life on replay as you die, it's hers on replay as she dies, and you can only own your own feelings. You cannot own hers. She is laying upon you a burden you ought not carry, and in my uninformed opinion, it seems intentional. To buy into that is a form of sacrificing your own happiness, with little guarantee of assuring hers.

I'm sorry if my words seem too blunt on what is doubtless a delicate subject for you, but letting someone else own your life, even your own mother, with no obvious benefit to either of you strikes me as pointless.

My sympathies for your situation; it seems like a shit sandwich all the way around.

(August 2, 2015 at 11:40 pm)Parkers Tan Wrote: And Yolo, my sympathies on your plight.

I appreciate you all putting up with my wallowing.  Thank you for your replies!