I hadn't touched my vodka in five days. I don't know what I expected to happen when I opened the freezer and grabbed that bottle. I hadn't really thought about it. 

It was like an electric shock went through me. My heart quickened and thousands of memories rushed into my head all at once. Thousands of memories of walking through the front door after a day of work and heading directly to the kitchen to pour myself two shots. Memories of the shots that followed. Hazy, obscure, one blurring into another, trailing off into blackouts. 

I unscrewed the cap and poured the cold, clear liquid out into the sink. I watched it trickle away into nothingness. My god of oblivion. Farewell. 

For one more day, at least. What tomorrow will bring, I don't know. I'm desperate to go back to him.

But on that day I had a friend to meet. I'd met her the night before, at my second AA meeting--an LGBT-friendly group that met in a Unitarian Universalist group. But tonight we were going to a different group. 

We hugged and she introduced me to one of her friends, and then this transgender heathen darkened the door of a baptist church. 

In the LGBT group, the theistic elements of AA seemed to be more of a formality. Not so here. Most everyone who shared felt that God was an important part of their recovery. 

There was a time when listening to that much talk of religion would have irked me, but I guess when you're desperate enough to go to AA, that doesn't matter anymore. And I'm desperate. I left the meeting with streaks of mascara below my eyes. 

I'm stunned at where the last six months have taken me. Six months ago I posted here that I was drinking too much, but it wasn't causing me any problems, so it was tough to find the motivation to quit. My goal was to become a moderate drinker. 

Except that's bullshit. Complete bullshit. I've never been a moderate drinker. I've never come close. I had this idea in my head that one day I would get to the point where I had no more than the recommended seven drinks per week, but my actual goal was not to drink more than ten per day. That was a goal I could hit. Sometimes.

Too often I've found myself in the bathroom making myself throw up because I knew if I didn't, I wouldn't make it work in the morning. Or I would wake up a couple hours after passing out and try to get some food and coffee in me while I still could, then fight my way through the day through sheer willpower.

There are days when I couldn't even do that. When I'd called in sick, or gone in to work and then made some excuse to leave. Trying not to be sick in my car is a thing I do nowadays. As is pulling over by the side of the road and heaving my guts out onto the asphalt.

Then there are days off from work. Drinking at breakfast. Throwing up by the afternoon. Pass out for a couple hours, then stumble into the kitchen and pour myself some more vodka. Next day watch the video my husband took of me, doing things I don't remember.

I've had a million excuses for my drinking, but the truth is I drink because I'm an alcoholic. When I start drinking, I don't stop. I just take breaks now and then. Just enough of a break to get over the hangover and make the money I need to keep drinking.

At the meetings they say to take things one day at a time, and that's what I'm trying to do. Make it through one more day without drinking. 

Today is day six without alcohol. I haven't slept much. My nervous system is still used to being awash in depressants. Desperate to drink and desperate not to. 
Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. 

I'm Gemma, and I'm an alcoholic.

Wow Gem, I can't imagine the guts it took to post that. I think there are a fair few people in recovery that post here, that are far better placed than me to give advice, but its fantastic that you've taken that first step. Stay strong [emoji172]

So happy for you and proud of you for making this step! You can do it! <3

Yay Gemma, good job! You have an audience to cheer you on here, you know!

Hi, Gemini. Crossless1 here. I'm an alcoholic and addict (cocaine and marijuana) and two weeks into outpatient treatment at Townsend Recovery Center. I'll be checking out my first N.A. meetings this weekend if my work schedule permits. Perhaps someday in the not too distant future, I'll share with AF my own story, but today is a full day of knocking out my work early, and then moving house in time to make my group meeting tonight. So everyone will just have to wait for the gory details.

I'm so new to recovery that I'm probably not the ideal go-to guy for words of wisdom, but I'm here to support you. I know we don't know each other, but if you ever feel the need for some encouragement I'm just a PM away. You can do this!

[Edited to change one thing, following m.h.brewer's example]: Hi. I'm Patrick. I'm an alcoholic and addict.

Gemma, Gemini, gem... I got a gem for you!
I hope you like them.


Maybe you'd like to talk with Thump... I think he's been where you are, or close to it, anyways...
Cthulhu Dreaming also quit smoking a few months ago, that might have some similarities...

The most difficult part is every day from now on.
You do what's right for you!
We'll be here to support you however we can.

I'm sure you've heard this, but admission is the first step to recovery. So at least pat yourself on the back for that. It's a huge step in the right direction.

Vorlon has made no secret of his recovery and I gather he's been sober for several years. I'm sure he can provide some clarity in times of trouble.

Gem, believe it or not, you just told told 90% of my story.

6 days, congratulations. Those are very tough times. People who can do that on their own I am in awe of. It's something I couldn't do. I tried it but ended up in medical detox. I don't remember much of those days except for the pain. 

Feeling lost at this point? You're not alone. ETOH was a daily ritual/answer for me for 17 years. At the end I drank first thing in the morning until pass out, woke up and started again. 

Then one day a moment of clarity, I decided that I didn't want to die by chronic ETOH poisoning (BTW, at the end, that was my plan, I had given up on life). So with out the ETOH what the hell was I going to do? I would be boring, there would be no fun or joy in my life, no altered perception of reality which I thought I needed. 

The thing is that, at the end, EOTH had already made me that person, I just couldn't see it. I was boring, I never left the house (except to drive drunk to get my next fix). I had driven off all of my friends. It was just me, the TV and Booze. When you have to drink to live, any fun or joy has left the station. I could no longer get back to the happy drunk point. I had to drink, it was no longer a choice. And when I say live, I mean to stop the dry heaves, to stop the shakes, to be able to eat 2 times a week. If I took a shower or brushed my teeth it was a good day. It was so fucked up. What the hell was wrong with me? Where had Mark gone?  

After inpatient treatment with AA, there was outpatient treatment and AA. The counselors told me that with my "god problem" I wouldn't make it. Actually that pissed me off enough to prove them wrong. So I did the treatment, I went to the meetings with those fucked up assholes. And a read like a madman. I wanted to understand what exactly was going on in my head biochemically. I wanted to know what would give me my best chance of staying sober. 

Every morning when I woke up I'd wonder if that day was the day I'd go back to dying. It was a struggle. But each day I decided that I could put off death one more day. Then, as time and life permitted, I'd work on staying  sober. Meetings, talking to other ex-drunks, meditating and reading. And each day got a little better. It did take 9 months for the shakes to completely go away, that was a little disturbing. But I understand why. 

The AA people all know that I'm an atheist and for the most part they accept it. I still run into some intolerant assholes. When I do, I leave, not worth my time. But yeah, I have to hear about someones god in almost every meeting. I just lower my head and smirk. Have you noticed yet that each persons conception of god is different. Poor delusional idiots. But if it keeps them sober so I don't care. Tolerance works both ways.

Now 2+ years later I haven't had a drink. Never thought I'd be able to say that during those first 90 days that I refer to as the lost time. Plus, I don't know if I will drink tomorrow. Some total fucked up shit might enter my life and ETOH will be the solution, the escape. I hope not, but I can't say for sure. 

I'd love to say "I have the answer for you" but that would be a lie. I only have the answer for my self. You'll need to find your own. Take what you can use from AA and piss on the rest. I can say that the answer comes one day at a time. (I fucking hate their stupid slogans, even if they are right)

OK, that's enough. I wish you well. I'm always here to talk if you want.

Mark

I quit smoking too. Been over a month by now, I think.

I only ever smoke on occasion, when I travel, now. But there's a big difference between the one pack a few times a year, if even that much, and the one pack or two packs a day I used to smoke.

So yeah, I beat an addiction too. I'm not sure how it Compares to drinking but I thought I'd never give it up and apparently all it took is a change of scenery and now I don't ever even think about it anymore. 

I hope you find a way to beat yours for good too. You have my support!