What is your quest?
Er, to paraphrase the luscious Antonio Banderas in The Mask of Zorro “I am a woman in search of a quest.”

Let’s just say that at this point in my life, I feel exactly like a Robert Frost poem. “Two roads diverged...” I’m at the beginning of a “choose your own adventure” and the only thing I know about my quest is that it’s going to involve chlorophyll.

What is your favorite flower/plant?
Roses. Unequivocally, roses. It’s the perfect flower - thorny, adaptable, but yielding blooms that used to be showered down at banquets, or turned into exquisite, highly expensive perfume. It was the heart of the story for Beauty and the Beast. They represent secrets, love of all kinds, mysteries, beauty... They’re not just my favorite flower, they’re one of my favorite things ever.

What would win in a fight, a cougar or a bear?
Hm. Bear’s got size and strength, but I’ve got a healthy respect for the panther. I’ve also seen a friend yell at a bear that was breaking into his camp stores and chase it off. So I think the panther could win, if it came balls out from the beginning. But if it didn’t, the bear would probably just bitch-slap it.

What do you think would be the worst way to die?
Drowning. My white ass stays out of deep water.

What do you think is the key to your captivating allure?
Better you ask yourself why you think I’m alluring - you’ll get a more insightful answer that way. I am what I am.

But for a more shallow answer, I think the best two things a woman can have are a good perfume, and a genuine smile. Eventually your designer clothes will come off, and when the lights are out he won’t see how perfectly you applied your make up, but your scent will linger with him for life. Find something unique that works well with your skin and makes you feel sexy - because if you don’t feel it, you won’t project it.

What's the best gift you've ever received? And not something wussy like the gift of love. I mean like something that came in a box.
My “goodbye” gift when I left K. Hovnanian was epic. They chipped in to get me a stand-alone mixer, and they all signed one of those three-ring Better Homes & Gardens cookbooks. My eyes got huge when I saw the mixer, but I bawled like a baby when I opened the cookbook.

Would you rather have no arms or no legs?
No legs. I do too much crafty stuff. I could even technically still garden with no legs.

Could you ever live in a place that had no garden, for example an apartment block?
I have - my first place down here. I had a container garden, which meant six rose bushes in pots and many many more herbs and flowers besides. And hanging baskets. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. If there were no patio/balcony, I’d make terrariums.

Do you say 'I could care less' or 'I couldn't care less', and if the first one, do you understand that it makes no sense whatsoever?
Generally I say with a hick accent, “I don’t give a shit!” but for the sake of playing along I’ve said both, and yes I know it makes no sense - it depends on how much caffeine I’ve had as to which gets used, which is also correlated with how much I care.

Do you drink coffee?
Do you breathe?

Do you smoke?
Nope. Asthmatic.

How often do you go "out for the evening"?
Not very often, as I’m very poor. I’m willing to be taken out though.

Do you have roommates?
I have one Baptist roommate. She owns the house, but the yard is mine.

Do you think I'm funny?
I think you’re hysterical. I’ll do you one better - I think you’re sexy. And I think you have a wonderful heart. I also admire your patience and good-humor. Chew on that for a while.

What's your favourite food?
My favorite thing ever to just eat is watermelon. I’ll bust my gut trying to eat one all by myself. You could say my favorite “treats” are fruit in general - even over chocolate. My favorite “meals” to eat are Italian.

What is the happiest event that you have ever experienced?
Lame alert. I’ve never had an event in my life that I look back on as “I was so happy.”

I’m happiest whenever I’m digging and planting. I’m like Mary in The Secret Garden and want to press kisses to the first tender points of the bulbs I see in the spring. The wispy spirals of emerging seedlings make me draw breath, and the first spicy green scent of a maturing cilantro plant strikes my heart like religious fervor. I’m that happy. I smile while I work. Spring puts me in a haze. I want to sing and dance. I want to roll around in the dirt with a lover and make them feel the same skin-tingling loveliness of things bursting just beneath the surface and buds swelling and sap rising... lol, do you see? It makes me feel like there are fireflies buzzing around inside me.

Why do you love me?
Because you’re a crotchety old bastard but you have some cute kids who look happy and healthy, so you can’t be all bad.

Will you do a Nigella video?
[amused smile] No but when I actually cook on weekends I typically have Google hang-out running so I can chat with friends. It makes me feel like you’re in the kitchen with me, which I like a lot.

Does the idea of getting married and having children appeal to you?
Getting married, yeah. I’ve never had a problem with that. I used to want a ton of kids, but now I’m at the age when I might start having them and I look at all my peers who are and I think... I still got shit to do! I guess I’m selfish and I fear becoming one of those moms who gets completely lost in parenthood and loses their core self to it. Once a cool woman, sacrificed on the altar of the PTA. Yeah. I grew up in yuppie suburbia. [shudder] At the same time, I know I’d also be a thorn in the side of whatever school system my kids belonged to, which might be argument enough to never have them in the South. Maybe in a couple years the “clock” will start ticking or something.

Is it possible that crab apples will ever be accepted on the dinner tables of families world wide?
Well, my sister is allowed to sit at our table but I wouldn’t want to force her on anyone else.

The "Jew" Questions

Thanks for the answers. Very interesting.

And it's a good idea that you sorted out the "Jew" questions and put them separately.

There were a few, that's for sure! Hopefully I answered satisfactorily. I was already told I copped out on two questions...

(October 7, 2011 at 8:38 pm)thesummerqueen Wrote: Do you smoke?
Nope. Asthmatic.

Pissy answer... I'm asthmatic.

I don't like the pain of drawing smoke into my lungs. Sorry. Also I hate the smell of cigs.

Pfft... I don't smoke "cigs"... Waste of my time.

Inhalers are for such situations when smoking... Duh

My goal is to not have to use my inhaler except in cases of emergency. Smoking is one vice I can live without in the face of others I can enjoy less painfully.

Smoking is disgusting anyway.

(October 9, 2011 at 4:15 pm)Epimethean Wrote: Smoking is disgusting anyway.

I always am incredulous that every single of my smoker friends insists on burning the damn things instead of getting the same goodies from:
- Snuff (tried it; it works)
- Vaporizers (nothing but the best, without all the burning shit)

Now, I'm no fan of nicotine (gave it six chances), but as a regular cannabis connoisseur, I've had the accelerated pleasure of cycling through most smoking implements and tools before settling on nothing but vaporizers.

They took some time to learn the technique precisely, but being a poor college student with limited weed meant that getting the most of your stuff was not only monetarily sound, but amazing how much "good times" can be held in still in the first bowl, provided you know your tools and temperature ranges to hit after it stops pulling as much.

I've never liked incinerating things because of the smell. Oh, that smell...

Vapes smell a little bit, but nowhere close to the smelliness of actually burning the material.

To be sure, I'm willing to try weed as long as it's not being "incinerated". My problem is that any sort of smoke irritates me to some degree - even burning incense for pleasure in my room with an open window is likely to cause sinus problems resulting in a migraine at the least, and horrible hacking coughs as it begins to irritate my bronchial tubes at the worst. I'm not crazy about the idea of states deciding what practices private businesses should follow, but I won't pretend that it's not made my life immensely easier since VA and NC enacted the no-smoking in restaurants thingy. Now I can go just about anywhere and not have to worry about suffering for it all the next day from smoke inhalation.