(September 8, 2013 at 7:19 pm)Kereli Wrote:

(September 8, 2013 at 7:12 pm)Raeven Wrote: I don't understand why she is around so much. How come you permit it? If someone -- anyone -- was trying so hard to get between me and the man I loved, I'd be putting a stop to that tout de suite. How come she is around so much to watch you make your husband a cup of tea or a snack?

Start by controlling her access to the two of you. In other words, she is welcome when she is invited to dinner -- but not otherwise.

Yes, of course. Getting her to keep her visits short isn't that hard. But a part of me doesn't want to lose contact with her. Really, it's not like she's round all the time. It's how she behaves that's the problem, always making an issue out of everything.

What sway does this woman have over you that you don't want to lose contact with her? If you don't put a stop to her shit now, you may well end up divorced like her. If need be, estrange yourself from her now while you're still young...that way there is hope for a reconciliation. I did this with my batshit loony mom...and mother-in-law. By my mid thirties, it worked itself out. Time outs can work wonders.

(September 8, 2013 at 7:34 pm)Captain Colostomy Wrote:

(September 8, 2013 at 7:19 pm)Kereli Wrote: Yes, of course. Getting her to keep her visits short isn't that hard. But a part of me doesn't want to lose contact with her. Really, it's not like she's round all the time. It's how she behaves that's the problem, always making an issue out of everything.

What sway does this woman have over you that you don't want to lose contact with her? If you don't put a stop to her shit now, you may well end up divorced like her. If need be, estrange yourself from her now while you're still young...that way there is hope for a reconciliation. I did this with my batshit loony mom...and mother-in-law. By my mid thirties, it worked itself out. Time outs can work wonders.

That's actually a good idea. I never thought of it like that. I'm not hopeful that she'll change but I could give it a go. But for me the most important thing is to deal with my dislike of women in general that she's managed to instill in me with her ridiculous ideas.

But you already know where your dislike of women comes from. That's half the battle! You know those messages were incorrect.

You need to take women -- hell, men, too -- as you find them. Some you will like, some you will not. They're just people. Saying this is easy; practicing it will be hard. But it's a matter of retraining your thinking, which is something we can all do if we choose to. Continue with your professional help as well. If you have a good counselor, it's probably your quickest route to overcoming your prejudice against women.

(September 8, 2013 at 6:53 pm)Kereli Wrote:

(September 8, 2013 at 6:50 pm)Minimalist Wrote: In one sense your mother is right. You need to grow a pair of balls.

The very next time she starts that shit tell her to shut the fuck up or get out.

Problem solved.

Yes, she sounds like a controlling cunt. But you have the ability to not be controlled.

True. Ironically it's her, with her complaining and bitching, who is the controlling one, and not my husband.

I have to tell you that when I read your first post I figured you were a 15 year old kid but a married woman with her own home? Your mother does not own you any more and she cannot control you without your consent.

Assert yourself.

(September 8, 2013 at 8:20 pm)Minimalist Wrote:

(September 8, 2013 at 6:53 pm)Kereli Wrote: True. Ironically it's her, with her complaining and bitching, who is the controlling one, and not my husband.

I have to tell you that when I read your first post I figured you were a 15 year old kid but a married woman with her own home? Your mother does not own you any more and she cannot control you without your consent.

Assert yourself.

This.

Sorry to say this, but I have lots of friends who have trouble telling their parents to back off (we're in our early 20s), they hate it, they know what to do, but they don't do it. Some of them are even in danger of arranged marriage, some still have curfews, some can't travel without their family, some can't date outside of their community, etc. etc.

Only they can change things for themselves, no one else can. Your situation really reminds me of them.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/controlling-parents.html

Quote:Controlling parents stifle the growth of the personality of their children. They also pose the threat of their children drifting away from them when they grow older. It is important to recognize controlling parents and know how to deal with them.

Are you certain that your feelings towards other women stem from a self-hatred instilled by your mother? Because it seems equally probable that you're projecting your feelings that you have for your mother onto other women.

Either way, it's clear that your mother has psychological control over you, and freeing yourself from that would go a long way to a happier, healthier life. As others have said, assert yourself, and keep in mind that people only have as much control over us as we allow them to have.

In nicer words: "Mother, you can't visit me again until you stop being such a bitch to me and my husband. When you cloak your intentions with such bitterness, they become worthless drones. All it does is cause everyone pain or anger. Until you can grow the fuck up and have a rational discussion with me, I will not be having anything to do with you. If you try to see me as you are right now, I will be taking countermeasures. Have a nice day!"

Yes, I am an angry little man.

My wife is a little dismissive of women of her own generation. Not all of them but there is a tendency in women born in the 40's and 50's to be self effacing to a fault. In my family my aunts would pitch their voices higher than natural for them and talked in a sing-songy, childish way. When my wife went with her ex-husband for a year in Sweden as part of an art grant there was a couple there on the same grant also from the US. When they got together, the guys would talk about art and Lia would chime right in. The other woman was livid and told Lia she had no business discussing art (as she thought she was unqualified too). So many women back then saw aligning themselves with a successful mate the most important of life choices.

Thankfully things have changed tremendously.

You gotta draw the line, and make a hard stand. And you gotta be cold.

Growing up my parents were very controlling as well, not as controlling as your mom seems but still enough for me to not put up with. So after some planning I left without telling them I was leaving or where I was going. Didn't talk to them for 8 months. When I came back I made it very clear that I didn't need them in my life, and if shit didn't change they wouldn't ever know their yet to be born grandchildren.

I now have the best relationship with my parents that I've ever had. In my opinion, controlling parents think that their kids can't navigate life without them. So you gotta prove her wrong. Cut her out for a while and make it very clear that you can exist perfectly fine without her, and she will realize how hard it is for her to exist without you.