Having 3 kids in college I can say each one is completely different. It all depends on your child.

She definitely needs to know how much of everything like beer wine and liquor can get you drunk. The last thing you want is for her to chug a glass of whiskey, not knowing the repercussions.

Next, if you forbid her or not, she is going to face immense peer pressure to drink. The choice will be hers entirely. This is where giving up control is hard. Playing hardball might work at home but it has no affect at school.

I agree, no alcohol would be best for a young brain. Reality is a different thing though. I just showed them alcohol is a drug just like marijuana. It distorts reality. Just a fact based approach.

Also, being a girl. Make sure she knows what is in her drink at all times. Have her pour her own drink or buy her own drink. If she puts her drink down even for a second, have her get a new one. Getting drugged is by far more dangerous than the alcohol itself.

Best of luck, sounds like you are a good Mom...I bet she will be just fine

(December 28, 2014 at 12:21 pm)Jenny A Wrote: The real question for me is should I let her try some mixed drinks at home with me, so she has some practical experience as well? That's the part I can't make my mind up about.

Well, talking should be enough for any sensible person and you don't give the impression of your daughter not being sensible. I wouldn't do it the teaching way but the be careful way.

My father talked to me about that, especially once I got my driving license and I didn't drink when I was driving. I got drunk at parties though and I think it's the natural thing to do for anyone spreading their wings. Nothing to be worried about unless it happens every day and not once a week or a month or so.

An entirely different thing to talk about might be her being made drunk for some stupid guys to take advantage. That might be worthy of some real talk about choosing company wisely.

(December 28, 2014 at 12:21 pm)Jenny A Wrote:

(December 28, 2014 at 6:50 am)bennyboy Wrote: I think the best way is just treat the 18 year-old like an adult. Have dinner, ask them "Would you like a beer?" Then drink it slowly while you eat dinner and talk. Let a drink be seen as an accompaniment to other activities, rather than a central event of a coming-of-age ritual. I think this is best-- if you don't set an attitude toward drinking within the family, then her first exposure to drinking attitudes is likely to come from frat boys-- urkh!

I absolutely agree about beer and wine at dinner. I was raised that way and it turned out okay. And I did notice that it was the kids I knew in high school and early college whose parents did not do this, who binged and worse particularly freshman year.

What's puzzling me is what to do about stronger stuff. I can't just offer a little naturally, because I don't do that home. I simply don't come home and make myself a pitcher of margaritas or pour myself a shot of rum. I have a drink sometimes at a restaurant and the girls see that. And occasionally I'll put a liquor in my coffee after dinner. And my step father serves martinis when we visit. We have rum and whiskey in the pantry because I cook with it occasionally.

So, if I introduce her to spirits, it's not going to be quite so natural a thing. What I really want is for her to have an idea just how easily the taste can be hid in drinks, and how the kick often follows slowly enough, that you can have too much before you feel much of anything. Talking about this from time to time, we've already done. She's a high school senior and while I don't think she has (parents don't necessarily know), I do know that she could outside the home if she wanted to. The real question for me is should I let her try some mixed drinks at home with me, so she has some practical experience as well? That's the part I can't make my mind up about.

That's a more personal decision. My daughter's a few years off from that age, and I haven't had to deal with it. It's also a little different here in Korea, where the age of drinking is a little older, than Canada, where (if I remember correctly) I was able to buy liquor at age 18 or so.

It's possible that at this point, all your attempts at parenting will be transparent to your daughter. Encouraging the delinquency of a minor by serving her hard spirits is probably not only illegal, but she's likely to ask you "WTF are you trying to get me drunk for?"

Actually, a parent serving their child liquor is legal in Oregon provided it's not done in public. That's true in most of the U.S., but by no means all of it.

I'm pretty sure, most of my parenting has been pretty transparent to her for the last five or six years. She's a bright cookie and I'm not much for hiding the ball. And if I give her the option of trying a little liquor at home she'll know why because I'll tell her.

(December 28, 2014 at 2:25 pm)Jenny A Wrote: Actually, a parent serving their child liquor is legal in Oregon provided it's not done in public. That's true in most of the U.S., but by no means all of it.

I'm pretty sure, most of my parenting has been pretty transparent to her for the last five or six years. She's a bright cookie and I'm not much for hiding the ball. And if I give her the option of trying a little liquor at home she'll know why because I'll tell her.

I think you should do it, just so you can tell the rest of us what happens. Run, guinea pig, run!

(December 28, 2014 at 8:31 pm)bennyboy Wrote: I think you should do it, just so you can tell the rest of us what happens. Run, guinea pig, run!

I 2nd this.

Quote:Good idea? Bad idea?

Great idea....especially if you've been following the stories of the frat boys who are buying the drinks.

(December 28, 2014 at 8:39 pm)Minimalist Wrote: Great idea....especially if you've been following the stories of the frat boys who are buying the drinks.

This.

It wasn't so long ago I was in college. (HOLY CRAP 7 YEARS) I visited a frat exactly once. I'm sure your girl is smart enough to avoid those situations, but it would be a good practical example to do some critical thinking/decision making exercises and show her the results. Maybe a memory test. Record it. Have a philosophical conversation with her. Nothing like watching yourself be an idiot (especially if you loathe being an idiot) while talking about something you care about.

I think the best thing you can also do (without knowing what your relationship is like already) is make sure she understands that if she is confused or has problems with any situation regarding a party or drinking or the dangers (sexual, cops, whatever), that she can talk to you and that you will listen.

I started sneaking out of the house and going to parties with the people I worked with right out of high school, so under age, and I was very, very lucky that I had a boyfriend at the time going around with me and hung out with fairly trustworthy men. My parents didn't want to talk about sex or drugs or alcohol except for a cursory run through of the mechanics and "this can get you pregnant" and "don't do drugs mmmkay?" If I had gotten in trouble, I have no doubt they'd have treated me like a major disappointment.

Worst case scenario is that something - anything - happens to her, be it legal or sexual. Make sure she knows you're going to stand by her and that she can call you about anything, even if it's just for you to wire her money to her credit card to get a cab so she goes home alone and safely because she happened to fuck up that one night. The biggest problem I see when I read stories always seems to be that either very few people support the victim, or the person didn't have a support network around them.

If your girl is intelligent and mature, she'll quickly catch on that most of the people binge drinking or otherwise acting like drunken fools are funny only to themselves and equally plastered people - it may sound funny in a Beevis and Butthead way to hear that so-and-so pissed himself after passing out drunk somewhere, but once you get done laughing at the guy and you imagine yourself in his place...

Finally, you might also add on that the job market is still a tenuous thing, and that you understand that she will be exposed to situations or go out to parties, but she needs to keep in mind that a criminal record is forever and people are looking for just about any reason to cull someone out of the job search. She needs to protect herself from parties being broken up by cops looking for underage drinkers, or responding to noise complaints, etc. Hell, someone could call the cops from inside the party - I was visiting a friend at Radford once and a couple of guys trashed one of the bathrooms in the condo he was living in. Those guys also threatened on of his roommates, and when the cops were called on them, they had been sitting outside of the house in a van giving the roommate even more shit. One stepped out of the vehicle and made to hit the (female) roommate and a mutual friend fell on them like a rabid bear (and by that I mean he was large, drunk, and swinging at them with open hands and splayed fingers). Fortunately the cops figured out who was at fault and none of us were charged, but we were there, and not all of us were of-age, and some of us had been drinking on the street (not allowed). I think the only reason we got off as lightly as we did was that several of the party members were part of the police frat in the college - up-and-coming defenders of the peace, as it were. The whole lot of us could have been rounded up, all because the roommate legitimately called the cops ON her own apartment, to protect her apartment.

(December 28, 2014 at 11:14 pm)thesummerqueen Wrote:

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I think the best thing you can also do (without knowing what your relationship is like already) is make sure she understands that if she is confused or has problems with any situation regarding a party or drinking or the dangers (sexual, cops, whatever), that she can talk to you and that you will listen.

I started sneaking out of the house and going to parties with the people I worked with right out of high school, so under age, and I was very, very lucky that I had a boyfriend at the time going around with me and hung out with fairly trustworthy men. My parents didn't want to talk about sex or drugs or alcohol except for a cursory run through of the mechanics and "this can get you pregnant" and "don't do drugs mmmkay?" If I had gotten in trouble, I have no doubt they'd have treated me like a major disappointment.

Worst case scenario is that something - anything - happens to her, be it legal or sexual. Make sure she knows you're going to stand by her and that she can call you about anything, even if it's just for you to wire her money to her credit card to get a cab so she goes home alone and safely because she happened to fuck up that one night. The biggest problem I see when I read stories always seems to be that either very few people support the victim, or the person didn't have a support network around them.

If your girl is intelligent and mature, she'll quickly catch on that most of the people binge drinking or otherwise acting like drunken fools are funny only to themselves and equally plastered people - it may sound funny in a Beevis and Butthead way to hear that so-and-so pissed himself after passing out drunk somewhere, but once you get done laughing at the guy and you imagine yourself in his place...

Finally, you might also add on that the job market is still a tenuous thing, and that you understand that she will be exposed to situations or go out to parties, but she needs to keep in mind that a criminal record is forever and people are looking for just about any reason to cull someone out of the job search. She needs to protect herself from parties being broken up by cops looking for underage drinkers, or responding to noise complaints, etc. Hell, someone could call the cops from inside the party - I was visiting a friend at Radford once and a couple of guys trashed one of the bathrooms in the condo he was living in. Those guys also threatened on of his roommates, and when the cops were called on them, they had been sitting outside of the house in a van giving the roommate even more shit. One stepped out of the vehicle and made to hit the (female) roommate and a mutual friend fell on them like a rabid bear (and by that I mean he was large, drunk, and swinging at them with open hands and splayed fingers). Fortunately the cops figured out who was at fault and none of us were charged, but we were there, and not all of us were of-age, and some of us had been drinking on the street (not allowed). I think the only reason we got off as lightly as we did was that several of the party members were part of the police frat in the college - up-and-coming defenders of the peace, as it were. The whole lot of us could have been rounded up, all because the roommate legitimately called the cops ON her own apartment, to protect her apartment.

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That's a lot of good advice all in one place.

I think my childhood was much like yours SummerQueen. I went many places and did many things that were dangerous. I got away with in large part because of who I went and came home with. I don't think my parents had any idea. I'm not sure how much I blame my folks for that. I was a very closed mouthed child.

Concerning communication, I think we're good this generation. The girls do bring me problems I would never have discussed with my mother for fear of her reaction or not caring what she thought. We've been talking things out for a very long time. Eighteen is not a good age to start discussing sex, drugs, crime, police, internet communications, photos, and the consequences (including those that come simply from being with people doing those things)---not because it's too early but because it's about seven years too late. And yes knowing that there's support out there and using it is the best way to minimize the consequences of bad choices.