Unromantic Atheism?

[Catholic_Lady]

I took Thena's quiz. Here are my results:

Measure
Your score
Relationship Avoidance:
81.5
Relationship Anxiety:
74
Attachment style:
Secure and Happy
  


At this stage of your development in romantic relationships, you tend to be pretty evenly balanced in your attachment style. You are not significantly more anxious about them, nor significantly avoiding intimacy or emotional closeness in relationships. 

This is a healthy balance, but it also may mean that it is more difficult for you to find someone else who has achieved this same healthy balance! Most people tend to either have greater anxiety or greater avoidance in relationships. You'd probably be most comfortable and at ease in a relationship where your partner is also fairly balanced in their romantic attachment approach. 

So congratulate yourself!! You're a part of a well-balanced breed when it comes to your romantic attachment style.

Your romantic attachment style: Secure and Happy
You have described yourself as securely attached. This means that you are likely to have happier relationships and be better able to sustain commitments than people who have an insecure attachment style.

You are likely to have more positive emotional experiences and to be more happy and outgoing in interpersonal relationships. You will be more likely to express what you really feel. You are more likely to be able to depend on others when it is appropriate, and yet able to function autonomously in your own sphere when that is appropriate. You are also more likely to raise children who themselves will have a secure attachment style.

[Athene]

It goes without saying that most people are capable love. And I'm certainly capable of romantic gestures. But I'm not comfortable with the thought of having romantic feelings or sentiment. I simply don't have the faith required to believe that love can fix everything. Or even most things.

I was aware of that before I was an atheist, though.

Define romance.

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Is it Romeo and Juliet? Because that was a couple of shitty teenagers acting like brats.

I always think of romance as making someone feel happy and special - the center of your attention for a time. And none of that requires you to have faith or anything that contradicts with atheism or fall prey to the idea that it will solve anything.

People get mixed up when they talk about love and romance because they don't like to talk about the work required to maintain relationships of any sort - much of which requires letting go of your pride and humbling yourself as well as the complex nitty-gritty of negotiating and compromising.

The most romantic things done for me lately were: 1) the way I was treated during sex, where he was very slow and careful about removing my stockings and 2) when he was listening to me go on about something and actually listened and responded appropriately.

They weren't romantic because of anything having to do with beliefs. They were romantic because in the first, he had taken the time to notice my outfit and the fragility of parts of it, so he was respectful of my belongings and person (plus slow=anticipation) and 2) because the way he responded expressed appreciation for my personality and insight. It feels good to know that someone thinks that you - the real you, not some ideal they hold of you in their head which will inevitably be destroyed - is just neat to be around.

Anyone practicing romance on their partners isn't doing it because of religion. They're doing it because they want to make that person feel as special as they find them in that moment. If anything atheism could be considered more romantic than religion, because you don't believe that some deity brought you together. You can marvel at the chances of you two meeting each other out of the what, 7 billion people? on this planet and appreciate the work you two have done to come to whatever point you're at - overcoming insecurities, taking time out of each other's day to be together, the effort put into doing things with that particular person in mind, etc. None of that influenced by another power.

---

People can and do define the word romantic in different ways. Some consider romantic love to be synonymous with erotic love, and that's perfectly acceptable.

Romantic love can also be defined and is similarly viewed as idealized love. That's what I'm referring to in the OP. The notion that Love as concept and the persons involved are somehow perfect and infallible; Love conquers all, love never fails, having faith in love, being meant for each other, one true love and other beliefs of that nature. I understand that these ideas are unrealistic. Most skeptics do.

My question is: Are highly skeptical people willing and/or able to circumnavigate their standard line of thinking, in order to experience the emotional gratification of romantic love? As defined above?

[Athene]

Measure Your score
Relationship Avoidance: 57.5
Relationship Anxiety: 78.5
Attachment style:

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Based upon your answers, it appears that your anxiety about losing relationships is greater than your tendency to avoid them defensively. This is not necessarily or even likely to be a problem. But if you are having difficulties, they are most likely to be in these areas:
Your partner may complain that you are too possessive or clingy
Relationships may feel frightening
Relationships may consume a large amount of emotional energy for both you and your partner. This amounts to time spent maintaining the relationship rather than growing the relationship
You may be overly preoccupied with your relationship
Any distress this behavior may cause you depends on how much you find yourself worrying about your attachment versus how much you try not to get overly involved. Keep in mind that some amount of anxiety about your relationship is healthy. For instance, it's probably good to be nervous if your partner stays out very late most nights.

There is also a self-balancing system involved in any relationship. The person who avoids the risks of intimacy, for instance, may be able to learn about the joys of intimacy from the anxious person who worries about losing the relationship. Similarly the anxious person may benefit from appreciating the avoidant person's naturally well-developed sense of autonomy.

Your romantic attachment style: Cool and Dismissive

You have suggested that you have a dismissing style toward attachments, that they are really not too important to you. It is likely that you get along in your relationships, but don't invest yourself very much in them. You are also likely not to experience a great deal of distress in life and you probably don't experience feelings that are extremely intense, compared to people around you. Compared to them, you probably are not as excitable and tend not to get worked up over things.

This is a perfectly fine way to be and it probably keeps you on a very even keel. However, someday you may find that you are starting to feel lonely and that you would like to have closer relationships. If this should happen, but you find that you are unable to achieve the closeness you want, you may want to engage the services of a professional psychotherapist. This is the kind of life change that a professional can really help with.

Remember that attachment styles exist in degrees, and in this test, the degree to which a style is true for you will make a difference in your interpretation. Everyone has to have some style or another, and the features of any one style only become maladaptive when they exist in the extreme.

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This is what I got. I didn't even read all of it. I got to the "too clingy" part and stopped reading. The thing I need is a shit ton of time to recharge my batteries. It's a lot of mental work caring about every little thing said to me.

I was also deemed cool and dismissive with an 84 and 76, but my results essentially said I'm an emotionally detached cybernetic being. I happen know that's not true.

The quiz doesn't address the fact that many respondents are answering the relationship anxiety questions based on PAST relationships. The impact of what you've learned from that past and how it will affect your future relationships isn't taken into account.

That's why you've got to take shit like this with a grain of salt. While they may provide some insight, they can hardly be considered scientific....so sayeth the Cyborg.

[ignoramus]

The secret is to compromise. Cherry pick when to listen or care, and just nod randomly the rest of the time...
She's been none the wiser in 30 years.

[Exian]

Yeah that's true. I was hoping for it to be more accurate though. I've been avoiding relationships like the plague for 8 years and I've never been clingy. I like my me time. They sorta missed the mark, but it was fun.

[Exian]

The secret is to compromise. Cherry pick when to listen or care, and just nod randomly the rest of the time...
She's been none the wiser in 30 years.

Yeah, but nodding randomly is what I do when my batteries are low and desperately need recharging.

[ignoramus]

You suffer from caring too much!
You should become religious! They tend to not give 2 fucks alot more often without losing sleep...

[thesummerqueen]

I'm quite certain there are highly skeptical people who have completely lost their heads emotionally. They probably don't see it as such. But, your brain lies to you, and self-justification is a real thing. The books "You Are Not So Smart," "You Are Now Less Dumb," and "Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me)" all have great examples of people justifying irrational actions because of emotional decisions in order to rationalize the behavior.

I don't think they'll ever see it as giving up their skeptical mindset for an idealized form of love - they'll probably count up the ways that person is right for them in pseudo scientific ways.

I'm in the camp that says there isn't just one person for everyone. I just think some people are better at growing old with their spouse than others, if they're monogamous.

Idealized love is kinda shite anyway, since everyone's going to have a different concept of what idealized love should be.

[robvalue]

I would generally assume that anyone who claims to be an absolutely perfect couple in every way is most likely overcompensating due to insecurity.

Nothing is perfect, no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. The most important things are being able to communicate well to overcome difficulties and get back on track; and to be flexible enough to compromise. Of course, if someone is expecting drastic changes from you, that is a very bad sign in my opinion.

Personally, I never "argue" with anyone, I just discuss. This is a general rule, and also applies to my relationships. If someone is too emotional to be able to talk to me without shouting or being ridiculous, I wait until they calm down before resuming. In a relationship I always talk completely honestly and openly, and to bring up any concerns I have as soon as possible. I think it's bottled up issues that lead to problems. If a problem is so big that it ultimately requires breaking up, finding this out sooner is better than later.

Being single and being in a relationship both have their pros and cons. Trying to be in a relationship when you still have the mindset of being single is a bad idea, I know from experience. Being single is easier and makes things simpler, entering a relationship is always something of a risk. No one can ever predict how it will work out. At various points in my life I "decided" I always want the freedom of being alone, but then I've changed my mind. Once I got being single out of my system, and all the freedom it entails, I found out I really want to be with someone. I had several disastrous relationships, before finally finding my lovely wife. Each failed relationship taught me about myself, what elements I need in a relationship, what I can't compromise on and what sort of person would make me happy.