[Serious] The Family Atheist

[Gnomey]

Hello everyone! I'm brand new here, both on the forum itself and in the atheist community in general. Sorry for the long first post; I just feel like I need to get some stuff off my chest.

I just wanted to start a discussion on what it's like the be the "black sheep" of the family as the only real "out" atheist. I'm dying for some moral support over here.

In general, I know I'm super lucky. My partner, who I've been with for just over two years, is a "devout" atheist. My parents and extended family, while all being very Christian, haven't cut ties with me and still love and support me. I live in a country where the government won't kill me for being atheist. But this still sucks.

I was born and raised Pentecostal Christian. As a kid and teenager, I bought the whole thing. I was your classic good little Christian girl. Got baptized at 9 yrs old by my own volition, spoke in tongues, the whole shebang. Had all the usual conservative Christian values. Had some doubts, but pushed them aside in the face of all these "experiences" I was having. And because asking questions seemed wrong.

Fast-forward through a complete 180 over the course of the last 6 years or so, during which my Christian values became more progressive (while still maintaining my faith somehow), to today. About two years ago I didn't want God in my life anymore, and just over a year ago I realized I'd stopped believing he was real at all. The freedom from having to live up to some invisible asshole's plans for my life was/is incredible. 

I've discovered I'm an honest person; hiding who I am and what I believe are just not on the table for me. (I recognize that I'm privileged to be able to be honest about my lack of faith here.) So I knew I had to tell my family - namely, my super-Christian parents. I read a bunch of books (namely Mom, Dad, I'm an Atheist, and Godless), did a lot of journaling, and eventually it came out late last summer. Obviously my parents are devastated. And by extension (because my mom is like me and has to be honest about her life), my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and (churchy) family friends are devastated. As someone who was very close to a lot of them growing up, breaking their hearts breaks mine too.

And now I'm "the family atheist." I can't shake the feeling I'm equivalent to the family druggie, or the family jailbird, or the family serial killer or something. The big focus of prayer seems to be on me, even though a) I'm almost certainly not the only atheist in the family; and b) I'm still the SAME PERSON. Not to under-estimate how big differences in faith are or seem, but I mean I'm still a good person. I care about the well-being of my friends, family, and fellow humans. And as much as I hate religion now, I don't have anything against people holding on to their beliefs as long as it serves them positively and doesn't infringe on other people. So it isn't like I'm rejecting who they are or what they believe.

Obviously my family thinks God will reveal himself to me dramatically in a new way some day so I'll come back. That hurts too, because it means they aren't accepting who I am now. It feels like they're less inclined to try to adjust to it because they sincerely believe it'll change (and they pray nightly for it to change). They pray for me as if there's something fundamentally wrong with me now. As much as I dislike the new vibe with my family, I can't walk away from them. That path is full of regrets for me. I know what they do is out of love; their way of life works very well for them and they believe it's what's best for everyone. Generally speaking, my family is very supportive and loving. They've also come a long way in terms of accepting certain "controversial" aspects of my lifestyle (living with my partner before marriage, for example), so I know there's hope.

Anyway, you get the gist. My partner is super supportive and helpful through all of this, but he grew up in an atheist household, so he can't relate on quite the same level. So I thought I'd put it here. I'd love to hear your "first-generation atheist" stories, and could use some advice on how to turn this into a more positive normal with my family. I know it'll get better with more time; it's still all fresh and raw. But this is also when it hurts the most.

Thanks all! <3

- Gnomey

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Welcome to the Forum!

I never went through what you’re dealing with. Maybe it would help to explain your atheism to the family (assuming you’re still on speaking terms) - not just tell them, but explain why you feel this way and that it’s not a reflection on them. Try to get them to understand that you’re still you, it’s just that you have a different outlook.

Good luck.

Boru

[Duty]

Hi and welcome. Interesting story and thanks for sharing...I'm a second/third/nth generation atheist/agnostic so can't really relate much, but one thought which struck me when reading your story is that perhaps your family's "devastation" at your atheism might well, in part at least, be born of their own doubts about the faith. To use an analogy, they're grasping at straws and just lost a dozen more, although, most likely, they'd never admit it.

[Brian37]

I was dumped in the woods by my royal parents because they were afraid I would be murdered. But got rescued and when I grew up an oracle told me I murdered my father and married my mother. When I found out the oracle was right, I was like "DAMN, why didn't I booked on Jerry Springer?"

My silly way of welcoming you. Be sure to barbecue kittens, record the NFL without their permission, and rip the tags off of your mattress. Hookers to the right, booze down the hall to the left, and theists in the basement.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Moderator Notice
Just a friendly reminder before anything goes off the rails: This is a [Serious] thread.

Boru

[polymath257]

Sorry to hear of your challenges. I can relate.

I was raised by my grandparents, who always wanted me to grow up to be a 'good Christian boy'.

In spite of this, I was skeptical of the religious viewpoint by age 8 and was atheist by 10. I had a serious conflict when I was 12 because my grandparents wanted me to get confirmed in their church. Up to that point, I had memorized catechism (I've always had a decent memory), but I suddenly realized I was supposed to say that I *believed* the stuff I was memorizing. That was actually a shock: I didn't really understand that it wasn't just a memorization exercise and people actually *believed* that stuff.

I managed to avoid the issue when my mother reappeared (long story) and I was never confirmed. But I know that my grandparents were upset about my 'heathenism'. The whole thing was rather traumatic.

All I can say is to be true to your beliefs. Answer questions when asked, try not to get into fights, and realize that your family is *trying* to care in the way they know how. It may not be what you need, but they either cannot or will not understand that.

So, revel in your black-sheepishness. Accept that you beliefs are different than your family's and that they may not ever understand where you come from. Don't allow them to be overly toxic, but also understand that they just don't get it.

Good luck!

[Fireball]

Welcome!

[brewer]

Welcome to the forum.

I got/came out during my rebellion year's at age 13, so not quite the same. Plus religion for my parents was more of fitting in socially and business connection thing than actually about the religion (Lutheran). Definitely not card carriers.

The "we'll pray for you" crap has to suck. I don't think I could take that for long. Have you tried to set down some ground rules about not discussing anything religion when you and your SO are around? My position is, if you're religious you can practice it all you like so long as it does not intrude upon my lack of belief. If it were my family, and they kept it up, they wouldn't see much of me. Some folks just can't seem to give up their false religious entitlement "rights" to judge others.

My wife is cafeteria catholic, we get along fine. Other than thru the net, I think I interact with two other atheists IRL on a regular basis. And I get along well enough with the other religionoids around me, even though we step on each others toes from time to time.

Excellent first post, keep coming around.

[Abaddon_ire]

Welcome aboard.

All I can say is that cutting family ties is usually a bad idea. If they do it, there is not much you can do about it. If you do it, then that burden of choice is squarely yours. Ultimately, nobody involved will be happy about it. The only exception would be if someone is being particularly nasty about it and that does not seem to be the case.

Best advice I can give you is to simply just be yourself. You are still you. Your beliefs have changed, but you are, as you say, still the same person. Keep on doing that.

In time, as they grow accustomed to the new reality, the praying and worrying and hand wringing and pearl clutching will dwindle into a kind of background noise and day to day life will be as before mostly. If they really want to invest time and energy on useless prayers that, to you, is water off a ducks back. You don't have to sit through them, do you? If some family member tells you about their prayers, just say "That's nice" and move right along.

[Gnomey]

You guys are awesome. I found my people!

Maybe it would help to explain your atheism to the family (assuming you’re still on speaking terms) - not just tell them, but explain why you feel this way and that it’s not a reflection on them. Try to get them to understand that you’re still you, it’s just that you have a different outlook.

Thanks Boru - we are still on speaking terms, which is great. I know they're really trying just as much as I am. But yeah, they've told me they definitely ask themselves what they could've done differently when they raised me so I wouldn't be an atheist. I've told them it has nothing to do with them, but it's certainly worth mentioning again. Mostly I've had (super emotional) conversations with my mom; maybe it would be worth sitting both my folks down together and talking to them about it again.

Hi and welcome. Interesting story and thanks for sharing...I'm a second/third/nth generation atheist/agnostic so can't really relate much, but one thought which struck me when reading your story is that perhaps your family's "devastation" at your atheism might well, in part at least, be born of their own doubts about the faith. To use an analogy, they're grasping at straws and just lost a dozen more, although, most likely, they'd never admit it.

Thanks Lawz! That might very well be the case. Sadly, I think they're just gripping the straws even harder now; they both grew up believing and I doubt they'll change any time soon. Not that I love them any less for still being Christians; I wouldn't change them for the world. I just wish things could be easier between us.

My silly way of welcoming you. Be sure to barbecue kittens, record the NFL without their permission, and rip the tags off of your mattress. Hookers to the right, booze down the hall to the left, and theists in the basement.

Hahaha! Thanks for the welcome, Brian.

I was raised by my grandparents, who always wanted me to grow up to be a 'good Christian boy'.
....
I managed to avoid the issue when my mother reappeared (long story) and I was never confirmed. But I know that my grandparents were upset about my 'heathenism'. The whole thing was rather traumatic.

All I can say is to be true to your beliefs. Answer questions when asked, try not to get into fights, and realize that your family is *trying* to care in the way they know how. It may not be what you need, but they either cannot or will not understand that.

So, revel in your black-sheepishness. Accept that you beliefs are different than your family's and that they may not ever understand where you come from. Don't allow them to be overly toxic, but also understand that they just don't get it.

Thanks for sharing your story, polymath. I'm sorry things were so difficult with your grandmother. And thanks for your advice - I've taken it to heart.

The "we'll pray for you" crap has to suck. I don't think I could take that for long. Have you tried to set down some ground rules about not discussing anything religion when you and your SO are around? My position is, if you're religious you can practice it all you like so long as it does not intrude upon my lack of belief. If it were my family, and they kept it up, they wouldn't see much of me. Some folks just can't seem to give up their false religious entitlement "rights" to judge others.

Heya brewer - yeah it kinda sucks. When I first came out to them, I thought I could handle the religion talk - and in a way, I can. It encompasses so much of my parents' lives that to ban all talk of church and the activities therein would be to miss most of what's happening in their lives. It isn't like they try to convert me every time I see them or anything - there's just this general tension. Most of this is actually sprouting from a conversation with my mom a few weeks ago where I brought it (tensions surrounding my atheism) up casually, not meaning for it to stem into a big emotional "why don't you believe what we've taught you" conversation. But it did.

It occurs to me typing this - perhaps I should tell them that if they want to keep talking about their church lives to me without me objecting, they should let me talk about my atheist journey without having to launch into a debate.

All I can say is that cutting family ties is usually a bad idea. If they do it, there is not much you can do about it. If you do it, then that burden of choice is squarely yours. Ultimately, nobody involved will be happy about it. The only exception would be if someone is being particularly nasty about it and that does not seem to be the case.

Best advice I can give you is to simply just be yourself. You are still you. Your beliefs have changed, but you are, as you say, still the same person. Keep on doing that.

In time, as they grow accustomed to the new reality, the praying and worrying and hand wringing and pearl clutching will dwindle into a kind of background noise and day to day life will be as before mostly. If they really want to invest time and energy on useless prayers that, to you, is water off a ducks back. You don't have to sit through them, do you? If some family member tells you about their prayers, just say "That's nice" and move right along.

Nah, cutting family ties is definitely not on the table, for me or them. I'm really thankful for that.

I'm looking forward to the fading into background noise for sure. They don't make me sit for prayers, thank goodness - except for meal prayers when my SO and I are at their place. But yeah, I try to take the "we're praying for you" as an extension on "we love you," or as a "we're thinking of you." I know it comes from a similar place.