An Athiest Stuck On A Mission

[Ravenshire]

If I were to ever win one of those insane, multi-hundred million lotteries, I think I would set up and endowment for a bunch of religious abuse shelters. Provide transportation and protection for anyone seeking to leave an abusive (physical or emotional) religious environment. Provide relocation and employment placement assistance and maybe even some educational assistance, even if that were only getting them assistance in filling out financial aid paperwork. Unfortunately, in most, if not all states I wouldn't be able to help those who need it most, minors. Perhaps keeping some layers on retainer who specialize in family law (especially emancipation) would help that. Still, I think it would provide a valuable service to people who want out but are simply afraid to leave.

[Bad Writer]

My advice as a former LDS missionary to a current one: be the worst missionary you can possibly be without actually getting kicked off your mission. Do your best to make your religion as undesirable as possible to your potential converts. Act like an idiot when sitting down for a discussion, such as mixing up doctrines, getting their names wrong, contradicting your companion, and picking your nose in front of everyone. (I'm serious about that last one.)

Chances of you getting some one-on-one time with the local atheists are slim since your companion will be with you 24/7, but if you run into any, let them tear your religion apart. Bring up the most ridiculous straw man arguments that you know are false, and watch with satisfaction as the freethinker uses your words as a chew toy. Make sure to check the expressions on your companion's face from time to time for bonus enjoyment during these beat-down sessions.

Say the longest, most ridiculous prayers wherever you go. Whether it's in church, during a zone meeting, or (especially) in front of an investigator, go all out with it. Wasting time is getting you moments closer to getting done with the mission.

Masturbate. Please do this. Exercising your right to personal pleasure without the associated guilt WHILE ON YOUR MISSION NO LESS ups the satisfaction level by a factor of ten. Do it while your companion sleeps. Do it in the shower. Just do it, and them lie to your mission president about it when he inevitably asks in a worthiness interview because it's none of his fucking business.

Please let me know if these suggestions are helpful; this list is by no means exhaustive, and I'd be glad to share more tips for surviving your LDS mission if you so desire.