Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[mlmooney89]

Long winded monologue that pretty much says I understand you Losty.

---

I haven't told anyone this other than my husband but I cried when I found out I was having a girl and not a boy. It wasn't happy tears it was fear. I actually disconnected from her emotionally for months after. I went into the pregnancy wanting a baby and knowing that I had a 50/50 chance to have a girl but I kept saying my husband is the 8th of his name meaning for 8 generations his family has had boys. I picked out the nickname for a boy and all my images of my baby were of a boy. It wasn't just that I wanted a boy it was that I didn't want a girl because I couldn't handle someone hurting her like I was hurt as a child. When I was told she was a girl I broke down crying because everything that I had been stashing away in the back of my head came flooding in and I was so sure I could never protect her and I didn't want to even deal with the fear and anxiety of having a girl. I was outwardly happy about having a baby but I cried almost every night and didn't want to ever give birth to her because then she would be separated from me and I couldn't protect her.

I've always loved her more than anything but she gives me such anxiety and I didn't connect to her fully for two weeks. It was like my mind didn't want to get too attached to her so that it wouldn't hurt so much if something happened to her. I didn't let my husband really take care of her much and when he held her I was right there. One time he was trying to soothe her but he was getting frustrated because of lack of sleep. He didn't touch her but he got really upset, I took her from him and left. I just sat there holding her and crying hysterically because I didn't know how I was supposed to do this parent thing if I couldn't trust even her own father. He never did anything to make me not trust him but I didn't trust any man.

Since then I've had to leave her at daycare (crying hysterically for the first day, she only goes 1-3 days a week depending on Tony's schedule and yet I still am late to work every time because I have such a hard time leaving her) or leaving her with Tony. He is her father and he is such an amazing father so I leave her with him but every day when I get home I take her from him immediately and don't give her back. Half because I missed her half because... I reckon I trust him more now but I still prefer her with me over him. Her grandfather picks her up three times a month but it's literally just before the daycare closes and he keeps her in her seat until I get to the parking lot to pick her up. He is never alone with her in a private setting. The only person I've ever fully trusted is my mom, not even Tony's mom, just mine.

I reckon if I am at least functioning leaving her at daycare I will be ok with school but the daycare I know she isn't alone with men, I don't know how to make sure of that at school. Deep breath Mandy, that's in years. Let's just get through this situation before freaking out over the next.

---

Oh Mandy... as justified as your fears may be, you must let your daughter's family do their "job". "It takes a village" to raise a kid. Don't do it all on your own.
Trust her with the people in whom you trust. You can't control everything, sure, but don't be overprotective because of a slim chance that the people you know are trustworthy may turn out to be abusive.
Mistrust breeds mistrust and, before you know it, you'll be left with little help.

I know I need to trust people, especially Tony, but it's just hard. It's like a ticking time bomb of when will he snap. Because my step father was my hero and idol and I looked up to him for ten years without issue. Then one day... there was a change. If I trusted him and he snapped what's to say someone else I trust won't. I know I know I shouldn't have gotten married and had a kid if I am so unstable in this sense but I think it will just take time to learn to trust in different situations. My ex husband was emotionally abusive so I didn't trust anything Tony said at first, I've come to trust him now as a husband so I bet I will come to trust him as a father. I mean I trust that he won't drop her, he won't let her starve, he will shower her with love and attention, etc I just secretly hope that my daughter is ugly so no man will want her like 'that' until she is in college and can make her own decisions as an adult. 14 is not old enough...

[KittyAnn]

CIJS- it’s emotionally exhausting to send my kids to school every day praying to all the gods I don’t believe in that nothing bad will happen to them. Some days I just break down and cry. I don’t know how normal people deal with this. Seems like most people don’t even find it terrifying but I do.

Long winded monologue that pretty much says I understand you Losty.

---

I haven't told anyone this other than my husband but I cried when I found out I was having a girl and not a boy. It wasn't happy tears it was fear. I actually disconnected from her emotionally for months after. I went into the pregnancy wanting a baby and knowing that I had a 50/50 chance to have a girl but I kept saying my husband is the 8th of his name meaning for 8 generations his family has had boys. I picked out the nickname for a boy and all my images of my baby were of a boy. It wasn't just that I wanted a boy it was that I didn't want a girl because I couldn't handle someone hurting her like I was hurt as a child. When I was told she was a girl I broke down crying because everything that I had been stashing away in the back of my head came flooding in and I was so sure I could never protect her and I didn't want to even deal with the fear and anxiety of having a girl. I was outwardly happy about having a baby but I cried almost every night and didn't want to ever give birth to her because then she would be separated from me and I couldn't protect her.

I've always loved her more than anything but she gives me such anxiety and I didn't connect to her fully for two weeks. It was like my mind didn't want to get too attached to her so that it wouldn't hurt so much if something happened to her. I didn't let my husband really take care of her much and when he held her I was right there. One time he was trying to soothe her but he was getting frustrated because of lack of sleep. He didn't touch her but he got really upset, I took her from him and left. I just sat there holding her and crying hysterically because I didn't know how I was supposed to do this parent thing if I couldn't trust even her own father. He never did anything to make me not trust him but I didn't trust any man.

Since then I've had to leave her at daycare (crying hysterically for the first day, she only goes 1-3 days a week depending on Tony's schedule and yet I still am late to work every time because I have such a hard time leaving her) or leaving her with Tony. He is her father and he is such an amazing father so I leave her with him but every day when I get home I take her from him immediately and don't give her back. Half because I missed her half because... I reckon I trust him more now but I still prefer her with me over him. Her grandfather picks her up three times a month but it's literally just before the daycare closes and he keeps her in her seat until I get to the parking lot to pick her up. He is never alone with her in a private setting. The only person I've ever fully trusted is my mom, not even Tony's mom, just mine.

I reckon if I am at least functioning leaving her at daycare I will be ok with school but the daycare I know she isn't alone with men, I don't know how to make sure of that at school. Deep breath Mandy, that's in years. Let's just get through this situation before freaking out over the next.

---

i agree with poca... Mandy you have to trust someone ...you can't do it everything yourself... let her father be a father!
and it's true that mistrust breeds mistrust... Don't be afraid, you're so amazing, your daughter is wonderful and I believe your hasbund is a great guy, so head up my dear Mandy, and get the world ... you can do it...but not alone. You have wonderful people around! 
Hugs and lots of love

[pocaracas]

Oh Mandy... as justified as your fears may be, you must let your daughter's family do their "job". "It takes a village" to raise a kid. Don't do it all on your own.
Trust her with the people in whom you trust. You can't control everything, sure, but don't be overprotective because of a slim chance that the people you know are trustworthy may turn out to be abusive.
Mistrust breeds mistrust and, before you know it, you'll be left with little help.

I know I need to trust people, especially Tony, but it's just hard.

Which will just make it all the more rewarding

It's like a ticking time bomb of when will he snap. Because my step father was my hero and idol and I looked up to him for ten years without issue. Then one day... there was a change. If I trusted him and he snapped what's to say someone else I trust won't.

Yes, there's a chance that will happen. But it's a very slim chance.
And you know Tony, you know his parents... do they seem like people who will snap like that?
Everything that I've heard about Tony says that he won't ever snap. Not like that. He may snap at some boyfriend of your daughter's, though...

I know I know I shouldn't have gotten married and had a kid if I am so unstable in this sense but I think it will just take time to learn to trust in different situations.

Don't go there.
You fought hard to have a happy life and now you have it. Don;t say you shouldn't have it. You should.
Be like the Australians... don't let your fears conquer you so much and enjoy life.

I just secretly hope that my daughter is ugly so no man will want her like 'that' until she is in college and can make her own decisions as an adult. 14 is not old enough...

HAHAHA!
Your daughter can't be ugly... have you seen her parents?

---

---

[mlmooney89]

I know I need to trust people, especially Tony, but it's just hard.

Which will just make it all the more rewarding

It's like a ticking time bomb of when will he snap. Because my step father was my hero and idol and I looked up to him for ten years without issue. Then one day... there was a change. If I trusted him and he snapped what's to say someone else I trust won't.

Yes, there's a chance that will happen. But it's a very slim chance.
And you know Tony, you know his parents... do they seem like people who will snap like that?
Everything that I've heard about Tony says that he won't ever snap. Not like that. He may snap at some boyfriend of your daughter's, though...

I know I know I shouldn't have gotten married and had a kid if I am so unstable in this sense but I think it will just take time to learn to trust in different situations.

Don't go there.
You fought hard to have a happy life and now you have it. Don;t say you shouldn't have it. You should.
Be like the Australians... don't let your fears conquer you so much and enjoy life.

I just secretly hope that my daughter is ugly so no man will want her like 'that' until she is in college and can make her own decisions as an adult. 14 is not old enough...

HAHAHA!
Your daughter can't be ugly... have you seen her parents?

---

---

lol I love you Poca.

[Tiberius]

Suppose people don't tip them, so they don't make a shit ton in tips?
Would you get their support then?

Then they whine that they make their living like that and we are taking food from their mouths. It's like you can't help those that don't want to be helped. It's just annoying that they don't want to be helped but then bitch about it. I'm in a spat with a bar tender right now over this. She is actually pushing for people to share a post that says don't tip your waiter "gift" them money so they don't have to claim it on taxes.

Being in the service industry,  please allow me to explain some reasons why they may do that.  

1. Federal wages for servers is a whopping  $2.83 an hour and it's been that way for at least 20 years if not more. If it's  dead in the restaurant, you are losing money. Work a 40 hour week and your tips only add up to maybe $300 for the week and then see that your actual paycheck is about $30 after taxes, if that,  it can be very frustrating.  That's not a livable wage and many who work in the service related industry barely make enough to get by.  
2. Many customers now leave a tip on their credit card statements. All of those tips get taxed, despite what customers believe. Why?  Because there is now a paper trail and the employer is required to report those tips.

3. Servers are only required to report a certain percentage of their tips. 10 percent is the minimum. If the bulk of my tips are placed on a credit card and all that is getting taxed,  you're damn straight that I'm not reporting anything I get in cash.  Especially of 80% of my tips are already being reported to the govt.  

4. A lot of customers don't even tip the proper amount of 15 - 18 %. The server I just had this morning told me she's been at the restaurant for 21 years and all her paychecks are voided because her hours just barely cover her insurance and she pays taxes based on her sales. So if she had $650 in food sales,  she's getting taxed on that plus any tips reported on a credit card, regardless of what her total rips plus hourly comes out to be.  So there's lots of variables and reasons for why people don't claim all their tips.  I wish people would consider that before getting mad or not tipping properly. I worked for three months at Smart Style and never got a cent of the commission I should have received simply because my service sales weren't high enough. I was busting ass with retail sales,  but they don't give you commission on retail unless you meet your service sales goals. That's really hard to do when you are new to the industry. And it's completely frustrating when your paycheck is only for minimum wage and you have kids to feed and student loans to repay and you feel like you busted your ass.

Shit.  Some people don't even bother to tip. I won't take those people again as clients. I have expenses to meet as well and I rely on my tips to help restock my supplies.

See the bit I bolded?
That's the only thing that needs to be fixed. Everything else then falls into place.
And, trust me, the employers will not go bankrupt and the customers will still pay the same (considering the present-day tip included in this fairer price)

If people want to discourage crappy service, simply don't return to where they get crappy service.
If they want to encourage it, return.
If it seems simple, it's because it is. And is basically what happens in many other places.

FYI, the whole $2.83 an hour is bullshit. That's the legal minimum employers have to pay service staff, and the rest is expected to be made up in tips. However, if the combined wages and tips earned in any week do not add up to $7.25 (standard minimum wage) then the employer must increase their wage to make up for the loss. Servers do not lose out on any money by not getting tips.

Also: "As of May 2017, the average hourly wage – including tips – for a restaurant employee in the United States that received tip income was $11.82."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tipped_wag...ted_States

[pocaracas]

Very well, then.
Give people a contract for an average of $11.00 per hour, and start discouraging tips, countrywide. Clearly, the consumer is affording it, as well as the employers.

But, as for the present day reality, how do the employers account for the tips to reach that minimum of $7.25, if they are not declared by the employees?

[Losty]

CIJS- it’s emotionally exhausting to send my kids to school every day praying to all the gods I don’t believe in that nothing bad will happen to them. Some days I just break down and cry. I don’t know how normal people deal with this. Seems like most people don’t even find it terrifying but I do.

Long winded monologue that pretty much says I understand you Losty.

---

I haven't told anyone this other than my husband but I cried when I found out I was having a girl and not a boy. It wasn't happy tears it was fear. I actually disconnected from her emotionally for months after. I went into the pregnancy wanting a baby and knowing that I had a 50/50 chance to have a girl but I kept saying my husband is the 8th of his name meaning for 8 generations his family has had boys. I picked out the nickname for a boy and all my images of my baby were of a boy. It wasn't just that I wanted a boy it was that I didn't want a girl because I couldn't handle someone hurting her like I was hurt as a child. When I was told she was a girl I broke down crying because everything that I had been stashing away in the back of my head came flooding in and I was so sure I could never protect her and I didn't want to even deal with the fear and anxiety of having a girl. I was outwardly happy about having a baby but I cried almost every night and didn't want to ever give birth to her because then she would be separated from me and I couldn't protect her.

I've always loved her more than anything but she gives me such anxiety and I didn't connect to her fully for two weeks. It was like my mind didn't want to get too attached to her so that it wouldn't hurt so much if something happened to her. I didn't let my husband really take care of her much and when he held her I was right there. One time he was trying to soothe her but he was getting frustrated because of lack of sleep. He didn't touch her but he got really upset, I took her from him and left. I just sat there holding her and crying hysterically because I didn't know how I was supposed to do this parent thing if I couldn't trust even her own father. He never did anything to make me not trust him but I didn't trust any man.

Since then I've had to leave her at daycare (crying hysterically for the first day, she only goes 1-3 days a week depending on Tony's schedule and yet I still am late to work every time because I have such a hard time leaving her) or leaving her with Tony. He is her father and he is such an amazing father so I leave her with him but every day when I get home I take her from him immediately and don't give her back. Half because I missed her half because... I reckon I trust him more now but I still prefer her with me over him. Her grandfather picks her up three times a month but it's literally just before the daycare closes and he keeps her in her seat until I get to the parking lot to pick her up. He is never alone with her in a private setting. The only person I've ever fully trusted is my mom, not even Tony's mom, just mine.

I reckon if I am at least functioning leaving her at daycare I will be ok with school but the daycare I know she isn't alone with men, I don't know how to make sure of that at school. Deep breath Mandy, that's in years. Let's just get through this situation before freaking out over the next.

---

Girl, I totally understand. I didn’t let anyone hold my babies for months after they were born. If you ever have a boy you’ll find out it’s actually just as scary.

[vulcanlogician]

FYI, the whole $2.83 an hour is bullshit. That's the legal minimum employers have to pay service staff, and the rest is expected to be made up in tips. However, if the combined wages and tips earned in any week do not add up to $7.25 (standard minimum wage) then the employer must increase their wage to make up for the loss. Servers do not lose out on any money by not getting tips.

Also: "As of May 2017, the average hourly wage – including tips – for a restaurant employee in the United States that received tip income was $11.82."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tipped_wag...ted_States

The only thing that ever made me be able to put up with the bullshit of working a busy night in food and beverage was knowing that there would be bank at the end of it. Sure, on slow days, you don't get squat. But you don't do squat either.

[Edwardo Piet]

Wait, people actually tip waiters/waitresses at restaurants? I've never tipped one in my life!

And here's me complimenting the chef and donating to the restaurant!

I think the waiter/waitress would be the last person I tip, lol. I'd be tipping the chef first for cooking such awesome food. Or even the barista for making such a perfect cocktail. Can't be difficult to take someone's order down on a piece of paper, smile at them and walk away. (OH WOW BUT THEY HAVE TO REMEMBER THE TABLE NUMBER TOO! OH GOSH! THE HORROR!)

Yeah I get that chefs and baristas already have higher wages... but it's for a reason I think... I don't think waiters/waitresses need to be making a fortune on tips when I can't think of a job less difficult than theirs. If their wage is too small it should just be increased. I doubt it's too small. Maybe it's too large considering they make so much on tips already, when the money should really be going to the person who cooked your meal if it's nice enough to keep coming back (especially when there are so many restaurants with such disappointing food).

Rant over

[Little lunch]

Hang on, this guy is an extremely smart man. I have felt like punching his head in a few times, but I have also found a few real gems.
One thing he said was this - that you should listen to people with an expectation that they might know something that you don't, especially those you disagree with as they may be able to shine a light in your blind spot.
Give the book a read, you're smart enough to not get sucked into ideologies you disagree with and you might learn something you didn't know.

Incidently, I feel exactly the same way about Ben Shapiro.

My guess is that anything "smart" that comes out of his mouth is an idea he has stolen from somebody else.

When you see him have a conversation with someone who actually is smart, he quickly shows himself to be a complete moron.

Or maybe I just have high standards

I've seen his talk with Sam Harris and he comes across as a real dick.
But if you think he's a complete moron then it's obvious you've not really looked into him at all.