Midlife Crisis?

[robvalue]

I seem to be having more frequent and more elaborate fantasies than usual about other women. Lots of women. Some women linger for a while, and pop in and out; some hound my thoughts and are hard to put aside. It can be debilitating.

It's like my mind is suddenly worried about what I might be "missing out on" with other girls. It's not so much even about the sexual side, although obviously that's a component; it's mainly about what it would feel like to have them hold me close.

Can't blame it I suppose, since historically I'm supposed to be dead soon at nearly 40! I'd never act on any of these fantasies, they just feel more real and emotional, and harder to brush aside as silly and fancifal. I've always formed crushes really easily, like ridiculously easily. On multiple girls at once. I don't know what that says about me.

They make me feel like an utter cunt, because I'm very happily married and I know most people would kill to have the wonderful wife I have. But these things are beyond my control. I just have to learn to accept they are fantasies and move on. Trying to squash them, to try "not to think about them" just makes it worse.

I've been open about all this with Emma, and she's extremely understanding. She knows I'm not going anywhere, and that I'm never going to cheat on her. I even had a fleeting thought yesterday about an "open relationship", which is something I've never wanted at all before. I quickly realised this would not be what either of us would want. Especially as it would have to just apply to me

I see how easily people do end up having affairs. It's nothing to do with being unhappy with my wife, I'm not. It's about "want, want, want". Wanting everything that I can't have. So if I was someone with less self control, I can totally see how it could happen. I don't excuse it for a second though, I consider cheating on someone to be one of the worst things you can ever do to them.

I realised this has a lot to do with a fundamental desire for girls, in general, to think I'm wonderful and shower me with affection. This weird little mid life crisis (if that's what it is) has meant I can't deny this primal fact about myself. I used to just pretend it wasn't true, because it's extremely embarrassing and it doesn't line up at all with how I consciously think and want to be. I don't do things because I want people to think I'm great, I do them because I consider them the right thing to do. I'm not friends with girls because I'm trying to impress or persue them. I just want to make nice friends. But there's a childish, cave-man side of me that wants to impress all the girls. So I think I'm coming to accept these contradictions within myself. It may be irrational, stupid, pathetic and debilitating, but it is part of who I am. I have to learn to live with it rather than fight it.