Understanding Narcissism

[Whateverist]

Like so many other aspects of human personality, I think narcissism exists on a continuum and not as a quirky add-on which some have and some don't.  As I see it, one is better off to have an excess of the trait than a deficit .. but only up to a point.  And knowing yourself including your flaws and challenges is always better than being in the dark.  As this site discusses, being narcissistic is more than having an excess of confidence.  The part about the unrecognized insecurity beneath the surface is important.

I know this condition from the inside having done a little counseling in the past.  I think I have a handle on it and some perspective.  It never just goes away but it has less power if you understand what it is.  If  you see how it is affecting you, you have more choices in how you respond in situations where it gets triggered.  Especially in relationship the tendency to respond with rage is a constant possibility.  I messages help, looking to acknowledge the reasonableness of the other person's words and actions does too.  I also remind myself constantly that people have a right to be different than me and are ultimately a mystery beyond my complete comprehension.  Married 30+ years now so something is working.

I do wish that people wouldn't just assume that narcissists are unredeemable moral lepers.  Apparently when I was just starting to talk I spoke so quickly people had a hard time understanding me.  Being asked to slow down and repeat myself would throw me into a rage in which I'd kick chins or destroy the house.  Obviously I don't directly remember any of that, just the being told about it later.  But if that is right, it makes me wonder how much narcissism is something you're born with as opposed to being created by environments.

Definition
By Mayo Clinic Staff

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you're not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy (psychotherapy).

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20025568

Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and other areas of their life, such as work or school. 

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If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may feel a sense of entitlement — and when you don't receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.

At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior. Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection.
Many experts use the criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association, to diagnose mental conditions. This manual is also used by insurance companies to reimburse for treatment.

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DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features:

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• Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
  
  
• Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
  
  
• Exaggerating your achievements and talents
  
  
• Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
  
  
• Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
  
  
• Requiring constant admiration
  
  
• Having a sense of entitlement
  
  
• Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
  
  
• Taking advantage of others to get what you want
  
  
• Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
  
  
• Being envious of others and believing others envy you
  
  
• Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
  

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal and value yourself more than you value others.

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