(August 20, 2016 at 12:48 pm)Rhythm Wrote: Yup, and as it turns out the way to stop was precisely the thing the disorder strongly suggest against - which is why it's such a tight position, why it;s persistent and destructive unless you seek out treatment, or have it thrust upon you in review.
The silver lining, for me anyway, was that the experience opened my eyes pretty damned wide as regards who I am, why I do what I do, it challenged assumptions I made about myself...and let me realize that there were things I hadn't even considered.
It made me obsessively interested in theories of mind, and I used work..just long hard hours of work...as a way to keep myself out of situations that might cause me to engage in those behaviors while I was learning to distance myself from it....and I'd like to think that I became a better trainer because of it, in a roundabout way. Before that, I was your classic lazy shit of a range NCO. Do what I say because I'm right, hooah, I know my shit back to front and you don't. Pass fail pass fail pass fail, fuck you get out of my range i don;t care whether or not you feel confident in your knowledge or that my disinterest might get you killed. This is the infantry crybaby, suck it up. Beforte that I expected to move up (and had moved up) just by "putting in the time"...and it wasn't until after my little incident that I really put in the effort required to become proficient, rather than to be able to present myself as someone who seemed proficient. I stopped being a shitbag and became an effective joe, rather than just a trigger pulling gorilla.
(it didn't pay out, btw, I never saw another promotion, no recognition came my way on account of it....- they love that hooah shit, that's how you add bars to your chevrons- but I feel good about it, so that counts for something, lol)
People never know what they want out of you. I know this first-hand.
