Understanding Narcissism

[Gemini]

That's my dad. NPD to a tee. Which is why I'm so opposed to religion. It's served as his primary enabler.

My dad too. Very very very very very very much so.

He'd have a 2 hour conversation with a plumber. And by conversation I mean monologue. And by monologue I mean his life story.

That is so much like my dad it's scary. I'm reluctant to talk to people at all because I don't want to be like him. Boorish and imposing.

He'd take credit for mine and my siblings' achievements. He idealized me as his favorite and scapegoated my siblings. But being spoiled and favored by him was not all good for me. Far from it. I'm the one who ended up on an acute mental health ward 3 times, my first breakdown being after me and my family left him. He made my emotional needs dependent on his praise. He also put enormous pressure on me and told me I could be the best in the world at everything.

I was only in the mental health ward once. Because I don't believe I had to deal with the extremity of what you did. But my dad did put pressure on me. From my earliest memories, his plans for me were as grandiose as they were poisonous. I was never going to be the next Spielberg.

He pushed me so hard it was unbelievable. And whenever he was unpredictable, manic, confusing, callous and cruel he would say he was just being honest or in some cases he would say it was a joke and say his sense of humor was 'zany'. One of his favorite lines was "there is so much in me" (referring to his intellect) and another was "I've got two first class with honors degrees" and another was "You're a genius just like I am."

I haven't seen him in over 10 years. His intentions towards me I think were always good but by 'me' I mean the idea of me in his head as nothing more than an extention of his own brilliance. He liked to say he was jealous of no one whereas deep down I believed he thought he was a favor and he was always buying self help books and trying to copy successful people. His behavior did not match his words but I think he was actually very honest to the point of speaking sincerely even when the result was nothing but hurting people and worsening matters for everyone including himself. Truly brutally honest but also self-decieved I think: He could genuinely believe what he was saying but it would be bullshit because he'd be in denial about who he is. I think he was a very jealous person who believed others thought he was brilliant but deep down he just wanted to be like people he thought were amazing and he pretended he only admired them even when clear resentment was present when he was frustrated that he could not be as brilliant as he believed they were.

That's an incredibly perceptive explanation of what was going on with your father. Yes, I think you're right. At least as far as my dad goes. He was never able to accept his intellectual limitations. His gullibility. And there's a part of me that wishes he would accept his imperfections. That he would just be a normal human with fallibilities, who I could bond with. But I'll never have that. He'll always be on the next narcissistic high, believing he's gonna write the next blockbuster screenplay, or Christian ministry. 

But I haven't cut him out of my life. Even though he'll never accept me being transgender, or even talk to me about my kids or anything to do with my family. He uses me and my family for something to do during the holidays, so he doesn't have to confront the fact that he's a lonely miserable SOB. And I can't seem to stop enabling him in that.