(October 2, 2016 at 7:19 pm)Rhythm Wrote:(October 1, 2016 at 4:05 pm)LadyForCamus Wrote: It feels shameful and embarrassing every time. It took a few (too many) nasty lessons for the 'sea change' to stick; for me to accept the reality that love and protection in childhood doesn't equal a charmed life, and that I can't just blindly trust the world to make sure I'm always okay regardless of my choices. It's embarrassing frankly, to realize you're still living life with that attitude in your 20's. And, because I think knew deep down exactly what I was doing, and KEPT doing it until something finally bit me in the ass.Ouch. Don;t be so hard on yourself though. That sort of behavior isn't unique to you by a long shot. We all suffer our own private shame and indignity apart from each other...at least tacitly thinking that somebody out there is "getting it right" or not agonizing over the very same things as they see them. I mean, I;m right there with you, I can answer the question in my case "why do I keep acting this way" - because I'm a moron, two hairs away from a chimp on a good day....and right behind that, because I'm stubborn, particularly so in the case of continuing to act like I always have and as I just described, lol.
The incident I mentioned in this thread is a perfect example of the way I floated through my life as only a passive participant most of the time without ever meaningfully considering that my decisions can have actual, harmful consequences. Pathetic for an adult woman to have to admit such a thing. There is an expected degree of shame that comes along with sexual assault by its nature, and then there's the shame and self-loathing that came when I had to look myself in the mirror and ask, "why do I keep behaving like the universe thinks I'm special?"
I know that you're right. [emoji41] We're all pretty much two hairs away from a chimp on a good day, so I guess there's an element of comfort in acknowledging that.
I don't know about you, but I have found having children to be very sobering. Before, I never worried about anything. Now I constantly worry about EVERYTHING! I basically operate under the assumption that any unfamiliar person with a penis who so much as breathes hot air in my son's general direction is a child molester, lol.
Nay_Sayer: “Nothing is impossible if you dream big enough, or in this case, nothing is impossible if you use a barrel of KY Jelly and a miniature horse.”
Wiser words were never spoken.
Wiser words were never spoken.
