Porn, porn and more porn!

[Catholic_Lady]

Actually, psychologists and sex therapists say a fantasy sex life is healthy. But what is there to object to about your SO imagining getting it on with a famous person?

I believe there is a middle ground. I disagree with the notion that any lustful thought is necessarily sinful. The passage most quoted is Jesus saying that men who look at women with lust in their heart is an act of adultery. Yes and no. There is a big difference between noticing the sexual allure of another and cultivating a desire for another. My personal rule is the first look is free but the second look crosses the line. Or the line from Sienfield...cleavage is like the sun, you look but you look away. A red blooded man, even a married man, cannot help but glancing at a beautiful woman who walks into a room. Fine. But only a creep keeps staring at her, unless of course he's single and making an evaluation about whether to ask her out or not.

I agree with this, btw. That's what I was trying to explain when I differentiated between acknowledging/appreciating that someone is attractive and even having a momentary feeling of arousal when seeing them, and taking it to the next level by visualizing fantasies of having sex with them... or even just gawking at them, especially if you're a married man.

i agree that fantasy and whimsy, "naughty nurse" or whatever, are healthy for a couple to keep the spark alive but focusing on each other as the fulfillment of those fantasies is critical. Again, it is about cultivating an interest in the enjoyment of permitted pleasures rather than growing hurtful and divisive ones. I want my wife to make love to ME and not some hot stud inside her head.

I agree. So long as the naughty nurse is me role playing and not a fantasy of some other real person we know or have seen. But I think that's what you meant as well.

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Oh I see what you mean. Well he's not into the lesbian thing. He says it doesn't bother him or gross him out, but it's not particularly arousing either.

But if he was into that, then I guess it wouldn't be so bad for him to fantasize about me kissing another girl. Not ideal, imho, but it wouldn't upset me or make me feel crappy.

And to clarify about Megan, I think shes super beautiful and has the ideal look for a woman. As in, I wish I looked like her. But there's no sexual feelings towards her on my part lol. I'm straight and I don't even know her. As for Mr CL, he thinks she's pretty too (I've asked him). What crazy nut doesn't??

I think you are correct that men tend to be more inclined to separate sex with someone away from a loving connection to them. Especially the more animalistic part of them. But I still fully believe that many men are capable of associating sex with love completely. I'd say a man's ability to do that is partly genetics (he jas to be a sensitive, romantic type guy) and the other part how they were brought up to view sex. And of course, the desire to do so.

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I'll tell you what. It doesn't mean much having me sit here as a woman and speak for my husband. I'll see if I can have him come on sometime and explain his perspective. He's a super busy guy but I'll try to have him on tonight, if he agrees to it.

Just to be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with your attitude.  It's just very very ambitious.  Like you're running a marathon, and you sprint out of the gate, and say "If I can't keep this up for 26 miles, I'm going to be devastated!"  You two could very well be the Kenyans of marriage, but my knee jerk reaction makes me think "Whoa, pace yourself.  You've got 50 years to go."  Maybe it's just the language you used of 'crushed and furious' that made me say 'yikes.'

And I don't think associating sex and love completely is far fetched.  It's arousal and the desire to orgasm that I think are tougher to squeeze under the 'only with love' umbrella, because those impulses are sort of doing their own thing.

Let me clarify that while I would certainly feel crushed and angry if my husband was choosing to look at porn at any point instead of having sex with me, I would be able to forgive him and move on. It's not like i would let it destroy our marriage. But I would certainly hold him to that standard, and I'm sure he actually appreciates that.

I agree about arousal and desire to orgams, in and of themselves, not always being about love. Sometimes a person can just be sitting around and feel horny for no reason other than because its been a while. And I get that men are visually stimulated, and especially if you're a really young man, it's perfectly normal to have a moment of involuntary arousal just at the sight of a pretty girl walking by.

But when it comes to actually wanting to have sex with someone, or visualizing/fantasizing having sex with them, I personally can't unless it's someone I at least care about.