It went something like this (me thinking to myself):
"I don't believe ... I really don't believe the Christian God is true at all ... yeah ... I'm admitting it to myself ... I haven't been believing for a while ... it's all good now ... I can finally let go"
In other words, the deconversion was gradual but the realization of it almost seemed sudden but not really all that dramatic ... just a sense of intellectual relief and liberation.
"I don't believe ... I really don't believe the Christian God is true at all ... yeah ... I'm admitting it to myself ... I haven't been believing for a while ... it's all good now ... I can finally let go"
In other words, the deconversion was gradual but the realization of it almost seemed sudden but not really all that dramatic ... just a sense of intellectual relief and liberation.