Problems Just Keep Coming
November 14, 2018 at 6:45 am
(This post was last modified: November 14, 2018 at 6:47 am by Jade-Green Stone.)
Right now, life sucks for me.
I'm struggling with work, my grandfathers death, my sister thinking of suicide, and also college life. I can't wrap my head around business like stuff to get my degree, but I need to make good grades to keep my finical aid, and everything else feels like weights. I guess you could call all this a minor stage of depression for me, nothing very big, but hits once and while due to everything just hitting me and not being able to keep up or balance the two extremes, being work and school.
Fact is, my mom seems to think work isn't the problem with it all, keep in mind she is a Conservative who votes mainly Republican. But, from my, I never had a problem with school, even in math where I got a C or Biology where I was struggling, than I have now trying to balance both work and school and both wanting 100% from me.
It feels like my grandfather's death just dove the wedge further, and I still haven'trecovered from him dying in august, it was just too sudden for me to even feel a thing. I tried to see a counselor, but couldn't keep going due to transportation means. My step dad had decided to start working at a haunted house and always had doctor appointments that went over top of me going for an hour to just talk to someone. When I started to see her, I wasn't in such a state I am now. Where suddenly I have so much work to do that I unknowingly put off, end of the semester coming up in just a few weeks, and my grades just at rock bottom almost. To top it all off, my sister is having slight suicidal thoughts.
I entered work that day, last Monday, at a near breaking point but forced myself to push them all to the back of my mind and get through the day as I couldn't miss another day without getting fired. I just lost my grandfather, I can't lose my little sister too! I can't keep up with the work load college is wanting with Walmart also demanding more form me coming the holiday season! A subtle threat was they'd move me to the front end, where I EXPLICITLY said I don't want to be, Cashier, if I didn't work more days.
So I was forced into a corner and gave up my Sundays so I didn't have to be a cashier, I hate working that close to people and I dislike people yelling at me for no reason and not being able to stop it.
I am at the point now where I feel if I don't just quit either the second degree I am pursuing or quiet my job I'll go insane from all the stress. But the thing is I can't afford to quiet work with the finical state my family is in right now and depending on me and my income to help pay bills, and if I quiet the second degree I want then I'll suffer later in life because not many will hire someone without some form of business background.
My mom's advice is utterly useless as she's so damn conservative she'll tell me that my job is more important than my degree! She'll always back up my company over me, even when it's clear they are very shady in their tactics!
I don't know if I can even finish all the work looming over me, not without giving up my social life to appease both. I'm so stressed, so tired, and just done with it all. I'm at a snapping point where I'm baring my teeth and someone is going to get bit. And I don't know what to do, I want to lash out at something, but afraid if I do then I'll have a bigger problem on my hands.
I'm forcing myself to smile and go through the day with no one to help me or turn to, I can't afford my own car, nor could I afford to go into debt to get one. I can't afford to move out, and I feel like a coward if I don't help out them as they need me now!
I wasn't ready for my grandfather to die, I'm not sure how to approach my sister, and I'm not ready for the end of the semester! Everyone is telling me so much advice, but nothing seems to be helping. And I'm very angry at my grandmother/mom as she can't see the forest for the trees due to her ultra conservative mindset.
My stepdad is sometimes so lazy, I get he's trying, has back pain, and a life also, but I never ask for much and always offer him gas to compensate for driving me around or small gifts to show I do care for what he does. But, he often does things without asking me how it'll affect my schedule , and expects me to bend to his more than anything, even though he does these things my choice and my work scheduled and school schedule isn't as flexible as his. So I guess not really lazy, but more so demanding. I tell people lazy as it's hard to explain what he really is.
I sometimes feel like I'm shouting into the void, no one can help me, and I'm slowly drowning in the weight of it all. But I can't cry because when i need to, I'm often in a setting where I need to work.
I just can't take it anymore, no I'm not thinking of suicide either, too much of a coward for that, but these odds are so overwhelming I don't now what to do but I know I'm forced to keep moving forward to the outcome while having a full on panic attack in my mind as I'm walking to it. I can't find time to cry, I can't even find myself crying over my grandfathers death, even though I feel the need to I just can't.
I'm I really at fault here, is this all my fault? I don't know really.
Am I just a cry baby, not getting my way? I don't thin so.
Should I just suck it up and deal with it, many others have had it worse than me, why can't I do it too? I don't know.
My mom/grandmother and stepdad and real mom says so many others have had to do college and work, so why can't you?
BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T, ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU GUYS!?
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, I CAN'T MULTI TASK AT THE SNAP OF YOUR FINGER! I CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO JUST BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT! I'M AT THE FUCKING BREAKING POINT, AND YOU STILL KEEP TELLING ME THAT OTHERS HAVE DONE IT, SO I SHOULD TOO! I'M NOT LIKE OTHERS, I JUST CAN'T!!!!
I.... I...
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm struggling with work, my grandfathers death, my sister thinking of suicide, and also college life. I can't wrap my head around business like stuff to get my degree, but I need to make good grades to keep my finical aid, and everything else feels like weights. I guess you could call all this a minor stage of depression for me, nothing very big, but hits once and while due to everything just hitting me and not being able to keep up or balance the two extremes, being work and school.
Fact is, my mom seems to think work isn't the problem with it all, keep in mind she is a Conservative who votes mainly Republican. But, from my, I never had a problem with school, even in math where I got a C or Biology where I was struggling, than I have now trying to balance both work and school and both wanting 100% from me.
It feels like my grandfather's death just dove the wedge further, and I still haven'trecovered from him dying in august, it was just too sudden for me to even feel a thing. I tried to see a counselor, but couldn't keep going due to transportation means. My step dad had decided to start working at a haunted house and always had doctor appointments that went over top of me going for an hour to just talk to someone. When I started to see her, I wasn't in such a state I am now. Where suddenly I have so much work to do that I unknowingly put off, end of the semester coming up in just a few weeks, and my grades just at rock bottom almost. To top it all off, my sister is having slight suicidal thoughts.
I entered work that day, last Monday, at a near breaking point but forced myself to push them all to the back of my mind and get through the day as I couldn't miss another day without getting fired. I just lost my grandfather, I can't lose my little sister too! I can't keep up with the work load college is wanting with Walmart also demanding more form me coming the holiday season! A subtle threat was they'd move me to the front end, where I EXPLICITLY said I don't want to be, Cashier, if I didn't work more days.
So I was forced into a corner and gave up my Sundays so I didn't have to be a cashier, I hate working that close to people and I dislike people yelling at me for no reason and not being able to stop it.
I am at the point now where I feel if I don't just quit either the second degree I am pursuing or quiet my job I'll go insane from all the stress. But the thing is I can't afford to quiet work with the finical state my family is in right now and depending on me and my income to help pay bills, and if I quiet the second degree I want then I'll suffer later in life because not many will hire someone without some form of business background.
My mom's advice is utterly useless as she's so damn conservative she'll tell me that my job is more important than my degree! She'll always back up my company over me, even when it's clear they are very shady in their tactics!
I don't know if I can even finish all the work looming over me, not without giving up my social life to appease both. I'm so stressed, so tired, and just done with it all. I'm at a snapping point where I'm baring my teeth and someone is going to get bit. And I don't know what to do, I want to lash out at something, but afraid if I do then I'll have a bigger problem on my hands.
I'm forcing myself to smile and go through the day with no one to help me or turn to, I can't afford my own car, nor could I afford to go into debt to get one. I can't afford to move out, and I feel like a coward if I don't help out them as they need me now!
I wasn't ready for my grandfather to die, I'm not sure how to approach my sister, and I'm not ready for the end of the semester! Everyone is telling me so much advice, but nothing seems to be helping. And I'm very angry at my grandmother/mom as she can't see the forest for the trees due to her ultra conservative mindset.
My stepdad is sometimes so lazy, I get he's trying, has back pain, and a life also, but I never ask for much and always offer him gas to compensate for driving me around or small gifts to show I do care for what he does. But, he often does things without asking me how it'll affect my schedule , and expects me to bend to his more than anything, even though he does these things my choice and my work scheduled and school schedule isn't as flexible as his. So I guess not really lazy, but more so demanding. I tell people lazy as it's hard to explain what he really is.
I sometimes feel like I'm shouting into the void, no one can help me, and I'm slowly drowning in the weight of it all. But I can't cry because when i need to, I'm often in a setting where I need to work.
I just can't take it anymore, no I'm not thinking of suicide either, too much of a coward for that, but these odds are so overwhelming I don't now what to do but I know I'm forced to keep moving forward to the outcome while having a full on panic attack in my mind as I'm walking to it. I can't find time to cry, I can't even find myself crying over my grandfathers death, even though I feel the need to I just can't.
I'm I really at fault here, is this all my fault? I don't know really.
Am I just a cry baby, not getting my way? I don't thin so.
Should I just suck it up and deal with it, many others have had it worse than me, why can't I do it too? I don't know.
My mom/grandmother and stepdad and real mom says so many others have had to do college and work, so why can't you?
BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T, ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU GUYS!?
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, I CAN'T MULTI TASK AT THE SNAP OF YOUR FINGER! I CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO JUST BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT! I'M AT THE FUCKING BREAKING POINT, AND YOU STILL KEEP TELLING ME THAT OTHERS HAVE DONE IT, SO I SHOULD TOO! I'M NOT LIKE OTHERS, I JUST CAN'T!!!!
I.... I...
I just don't know what to do anymore.
