Feedback appreciated

[Mr.Obvious]

I like it much better, the flow seems better, what do you think is it an improvement? Great job, IMO, especially for a friends game. Is this a pro bono job?

It is a lot smoothee overall. I am glad for The changes for The most part.
Only thinking about The eight and final line. Original form had 11 syllabls. Would break form to change it back. But i preferred The old sentences in and by themselves, though not in The flow.

And thank you so much.
And yes, just helping out a friend who is entering an indie game-building contest.