(November 19, 2018 at 1:02 pm)Brian37 Wrote:

(November 19, 2018 at 12:38 pm)MysticKnight Wrote: The Quran shows were it not for God repelling some humans by others, the earth would be in a state of chaos, and there would be no freedom of religion or expression. Although the countries who waged War against Germany did many evil things as well during the war like cause a famine and hunger in other countries by taking their food, the soldiers who fought were doing it to stop a great evil. 

And to me, the sad thing is, that great evil is soon going to rule the world if we remain asleep and it's going be fascism but all in the name of tolerance and freedom gone to extreme.

Challenge to you MK, write a poem about Sushi WITHOUT mentioning the Koran or God.

GO!

It isn't that hard, I write tons of poems that don't mention ABBA.

challenge accepted. Just give me sometime.

(November 19, 2018 at 12:38 pm)MysticKnight Wrote: The Quran shows were it not for God repelling some humans by others, the earth would be in a state of chaos, and there would be no freedom of religion or expression. Although the countries who waged War against Germany did many evil things as well during the war like cause a famine and hunger in other countries by taking their food, the soldiers who fought were doing it to stop a great evil. 

And to me, the sad thing is, that great evil is soon going to rule the world if we remain asleep and it's going be fascism but all in the name of tolerance and freedom gone to extreme.

dude, keep that in the religious forum bro. This is arts and the OP was asking for a poetry critique not a sermon

(November 19, 2018 at 1:04 pm)tackattack Wrote:

(November 19, 2018 at 12:38 pm)MysticKnight Wrote: The Quran shows were it not for God repelling some humans by others, the earth would be in a state of chaos, and there would be no freedom of religion or expression. Although the countries who waged War against Germany did many evil things as well during the war like cause a famine and hunger in other countries by taking their food, the soldiers who fought were doing it to stop a great evil. 

And to me, the sad thing is, that great evil is soon going to rule the world if we remain asleep and it's going be fascism but all in the name of tolerance and freedom gone to extreme.

dude, keep that in the religious forum bro. This is arts and the OP was asking for a poetry critique not a sermon

Bro he is saying there is nothing sacred in war. I thought, I would mention how I disagree.  The earth has witnessed blood after blood, martyrs after martyrs, all to keep whatever non-chaos justice and freedom it has from my perspective or Quranic perspective.

Just by sheer desire saying there is nothing sacred in war, doesn't make it's sacred position go away, and it's belittling the blood of martyrs.

(November 19, 2018 at 9:22 am)Mr.Obvious Wrote: Entrenched

The soil soaks with the blood of brothers - 9a
though the iron is not bound to the ground: -9b
It is flung forth from us to the others - 9a
in a monstrous nightmare we try to mount - 11(b-ish)
and ride towards the glow of the rising sun. - 10c
Arm the cannons and rip the skies asunder, - 10d
the struggle for a horse has only just begun: - 12c
Kill the man you were and let it thunder. - 9d
Worry only how to live with yourself -10e
after you make sure that you'll live. - 8f
Forget the One and his band of twelve - 9(e-ish)
and the forgiveness that He might give. -9f
Nothing is sacred in love nor in war. -10a
Arm the cannons and rip your soul asunder, -10d
the high horse of dawn grazes too far. -9a(with liberties)
Kill the man you'd be and let it thunder. -9d

additions by me #syllable/#scheme
If you were to match the syllable content to the rhyme scheme or unify the syllable count I believe you'd be happy with that flow and it would

Even if it's 9 , 9, 9, 10 over and over or something else. Note that keeping a syllable count then having a longer one at the end emphasizes the end of a stanza and adds order to a poem. Think of this:

Oh(oh), say can you see -6
by the dawn's early light -6
What so proudly we hailed -6
at the twilight's last gleaming? -7

Where as putting the syllable change mid scheme signifies movement but not finale:
And the rocket's red glare, -6
the bombs bursting in air, -6
Gave proof through the night -5
that our flag was still there. -6

(November 19, 2018 at 1:18 pm)tackattack Wrote:

(November 19, 2018 at 9:22 am)Mr.Obvious Wrote: Entrenched

The soil soaks with the blood of brothers - 9a
though the iron is not bound to the ground: -9b
It is flung forth from us to the others - 9a
in a monstrous nightmare we try to mount - 11(b-ish)
and ride towards the glow of the rising sun. - 10c
Arm the cannons and rip the skies asunder, - 10d
the struggle for a horse has only just begun: - 12c
Kill the man you were and let it thunder. - 9d
Worry only how to live with yourself -10e
after you make sure that you'll live. - 8f
Forget the One and his band of twelve - 9(e-ish)
and the forgiveness that He might give. -9f
Nothing is sacred in love nor in war. -10a
Arm the cannons and rip your soul asunder, -10d
the high horse of dawn grazes too far. -9a(with liberties)
Kill the man you'd be and let it thunder. -9d

additions by me #syllable/#scheme
If you were to match the syllable content to the rhyme scheme or unify the syllable count I believe you'd be happy with that flow and it would

Even if it's 9 , 9, 9, 10 over and over or something else. Note that keeping a syllable count then having a longer one at the end emphasizes the end of a stanza and adds order to a poem. Think of this:

Oh(oh), say can you see -6
by the dawn's early light -6
What so proudly we hailed -6
at the twilight's last gleaming? -7

Where as putting the syllable change mid scheme signifies movement but not finale:
And the rocket's red glare, -6
the bombs bursting in air, -6
Gave proof through the night -5
that our flag was still there. -6

Gave The shakespearian route a try, ten per line.

Entrenched

Here the soil soaks with the blood of brothers
though the iron is not bound to the ground:
It is flung forth from us to the others
in a monstrous nightmare we try to mount
and ride to the light of the rising sun.
Arm the cannons; rip the skies asunder,
the struggle for a steed has just begun:
Kill the man you were and let it thunder.
Worry only how to live with yourself
after you are certain that you will live.
Forget now the One and his band of twelve
and so the forgiveness that He might give.
Nothing is sacred in love nor in war.
Arm the cannons; rip your soul asunder,
the high horse of dawn grazes far too far.
Kill the man you'd be and let it thunder.

I like it much better, the flow seems better, what do you think is it an improvement? Great job, IMO, especially for a friends game. Is this a pro bono job?

(November 20, 2018 at 8:36 pm)tackattack Wrote: I like it much better, the flow seems better, what do you think is it an improvement? Great job, IMO, especially for a friends game. Is this a pro bono job?

It is a lot smoothee overall. I am glad for The changes for The most part.
Only thinking about The eight and final line. Original form had 11 syllabls. Would break form to change it back. But i preferred The old sentences in and by themselves, though not in The flow.

And thank you so much.
And yes, just helping out a friend who is entering an indie game-building contest.

Oops, sixth and ninth lines, i meant.
Early morning

You can break structure for style or for emphasis. Identify the stanza scheme you'd like to try and then add an extra syllable to the lines where you want the stanza to end. If you think it's important, like your recurring line, take a syllable out or add an extra one. I find it helps me if I remove all punctuation and first structure, then add the most minimum punctuation just for additional emphasis.
Think of this internal sentence structure flow:
Oh say can you see -is actually only 5 syllables but it's 6 when you sing it so is it really
Oh, say can you see

I'm going to be harsh.

You've managed to put down some interesting ideas, and to rhyme.

But I can't get the meter to work out no matter how I emphasize the words. It seems a bit amateurish to me tbh.