damned

[Alan V]

Hi,
I'm here out of desperation.  I'm hoping someone can help me.  I thought I was saved (a Christian) for 11 years.  In that time, everything I did was for God.  Then I pray this prayer, asking God to show me what was causing my long-term anxiety and depression.  Do you know what He shows me?!  He shows me that I was never really saved in the first place and that I never can be because I got married when He told me not to.  I did exactly what the Rich Young Ruler in the Bible did if you don't mind looking up the story.  I have had anxiety and depression ever since I have been together with my husband so I know this relationship was not God's will.  I remember God telling me that I would go to hell if I married him but I didn't believe Him because that sounds ridiculous.  Also, I thought you got saved by believing that Christ died for your sins, which I did do before I married my husband.  Upon further study of the scriptures there are TONS of conditions you have to meet in order to be saved.  There are SO MANY works, yet Christians say it's not by works.  Christians say that salvation is FREE but they are LIARS because salvation is NOT free.  Only those willing to pay the price get to go to heaven and that number is few.  I am so pissed.  I even went to my pastor and his wife before I got married for help because I was unsure of my salvation as well as the marriage I was about to enter into.  I need help.  When I first found out I was going to hell, I cried in my room for 2 years.  I've spent this 3rd year trying unsuccessfully to learn how to function again.  I have 4 beautiful children who need me.  I wish I could just become and atheist and be done with this but I can't.  I had actual encounters with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  I can't deny Him.  I can't walk around disabled, unable to function, and hyperventilating all the day long.  I didn't know God was so cruel.  Please help me, I don't know what to do. I need to live a good & productive life.

It sounds to me like you have issues with depression, anxiety, and suggestibility which have nothing at all to do with religion.  And now you've tried your best to interpret your problems by your religious beliefs, and the results have made you even more anxious and confused.  You likely need a mental health professional rather than some random internet people advising you.

From my atheistic perspectives:
There is no God, so you couldn't have met him.  You likely just had emotional and delusional experiences, as many people do.
There is no hell, so there's no reason to worry about it.
Christianity makes no sense, which is likely why you can't figure out a reasonable interpretation.