damned

[Gwaithmir]

Hi,
I'm here out of desperation.  I'm hoping someone can help me.  I thought I was saved (a Christian) for 11 years.  In that time, everything I did was for God.  Then I pray this prayer, asking God to show me what was causing my long-term anxiety and depression.  Do you know what He shows me?!  He shows me that I was never really saved in the first place and that I never can be because I got married when He told me not to.  I did exactly what the Rich Young Ruler in the Bible did if you don't mind looking up the story.  I have had anxiety and depression ever since I have been together with my husband so I know this relationship was not God's will.  I remember God telling me that I would go to hell if I married him but I didn't believe Him because that sounds ridiculous.  Also, I thought you got saved by believing that Christ died for your sins, which I did do before I married my husband.  Upon further study of the scriptures there are TONS of conditions you have to meet in order to be saved.  There are SO MANY works, yet Christians say it's not by works.  Christians say that salvation is FREE but they are LIARS because salvation is NOT free.  Only those willing to pay the price get to go to heaven and that number is few.  I am so pissed.  I even went to my pastor and his wife before I got married for help because I was unsure of my salvation as well as the marriage I was about to enter into.  I need help.  When I first found out I was going to hell, I cried in my room for 2 years.  I've spent this 3rd year trying unsuccessfully to learn how to function again.  I have 4 beautiful children who need me.  I wish I could just become and atheist and be done with this but I can't.  I had actual encounters with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  I can't deny Him.  I can't walk around disabled, unable to function, and hyperventilating all the day long.  I didn't know God was so cruel.  Please help me, I don't know what to do. I need to live a good & productive life.

Here's some honest advice from an atheist and Secular Humanist:

What's written in the Bible is nothing but the ravings of ancient, ignorant scribes. If God is truly omniscient, omnibenevolent and omnipotent, then all those conditions in the Bible are bunk. Do you really think that God gives a crap about all those petty conditions created by fallible, ignorant men? God sees into your heart and knows your intentions. The only thing that He cares about is whether or not you love your neighbours and lead an exemplary life. Stop listening to preachers. All they'll do for you is mess with your brain.