Sex

[ElDinero]

I mean, what constitutes as weird or funny?

*cracks knuckles* Watch and learn, baby. I call this one 'Panic Cord'

So when I was 17 or 18, I used to drink a lot in a pub right by my college pretty often. One Friday I did one of my fairly regular afternoon into evening sessions. Later on in the evening, I'm completely plastered and start talking to this girl I've never seen there before. She wasn't very attractive but wasn't terrible either and most crucially was talking to me. So she's being pretty forward and says it's her birthday (and she's celebrating in a small pub, alone....hmmmm....no alarm bells go off at this). So we get more hammered.

She goes off to the toilet at one point and a couple of girls I knew from the pub come over to me and tell me 'Martin, don't do it. She is legitimately crazy'. But I know better by this point so I tell them where to go. A little while later I leave with this girl and head back to her place. It's a small but niceish flat. I excuse myself to use the toilet. When I get in there, I notice that there's a big bar on the wall next to the toilet and next to me is a big red cord with a handle on the end THAT YOU PULL IF YOU NEED ASSISTANCE. It's at this point that I realise that this girl is not 'legitimately crazy' like 'she will never stop calling you', she is crazy like she actually has something wrong with her and lives in warden controlled accommodation.

Problem is, it's the middle of the night, I have nowhere to go and I'm already in too deep. So....I soldier through and do it anyway. In the morning she wants to spend the day together. I tell her I have to work (which was true), call work and tell them I'm sick (which is sort of true), and go home and scrub myself thoroughly.

EPILOGUE: The next week I'm in the pub and the girls who had warned me come up to me and say that she's been in and claimed we had been seeing each other in secret for months and she was months pregnant with my child. The next time I see her, she has cut herself and broken two fingers by punching a wall because I never called her (she never gave me her number...). I tell her she is deranged and needs to seek help, and that I don't want to see her again. Two weeks later she seemed happy enough and was back on her feet, getting into a van and going off with seven lads from a rugby team...