[Serious] The Family Atheist

[Gnomey]

You guys are awesome. I found my people!

Maybe it would help to explain your atheism to the family (assuming you’re still on speaking terms) - not just tell them, but explain why you feel this way and that it’s not a reflection on them. Try to get them to understand that you’re still you, it’s just that you have a different outlook.

Thanks Boru - we are still on speaking terms, which is great. I know they're really trying just as much as I am. But yeah, they've told me they definitely ask themselves what they could've done differently when they raised me so I wouldn't be an atheist. I've told them it has nothing to do with them, but it's certainly worth mentioning again. Mostly I've had (super emotional) conversations with my mom; maybe it would be worth sitting both my folks down together and talking to them about it again.

Hi and welcome. Interesting story and thanks for sharing...I'm a second/third/nth generation atheist/agnostic so can't really relate much, but one thought which struck me when reading your story is that perhaps your family's "devastation" at your atheism might well, in part at least, be born of their own doubts about the faith. To use an analogy, they're grasping at straws and just lost a dozen more, although, most likely, they'd never admit it.

Thanks Lawz! That might very well be the case. Sadly, I think they're just gripping the straws even harder now; they both grew up believing and I doubt they'll change any time soon. Not that I love them any less for still being Christians; I wouldn't change them for the world. I just wish things could be easier between us.

My silly way of welcoming you. Be sure to barbecue kittens, record the NFL without their permission, and rip the tags off of your mattress. Hookers to the right, booze down the hall to the left, and theists in the basement.

Hahaha! Thanks for the welcome, Brian.

I was raised by my grandparents, who always wanted me to grow up to be a 'good Christian boy'.
....
I managed to avoid the issue when my mother reappeared (long story) and I was never confirmed. But I know that my grandparents were upset about my 'heathenism'. The whole thing was rather traumatic.

All I can say is to be true to your beliefs. Answer questions when asked, try not to get into fights, and realize that your family is *trying* to care in the way they know how. It may not be what you need, but they either cannot or will not understand that.

So, revel in your black-sheepishness. Accept that you beliefs are different than your family's and that they may not ever understand where you come from. Don't allow them to be overly toxic, but also understand that they just don't get it.

Thanks for sharing your story, polymath. I'm sorry things were so difficult with your grandmother. And thanks for your advice - I've taken it to heart.

The "we'll pray for you" crap has to suck. I don't think I could take that for long. Have you tried to set down some ground rules about not discussing anything religion when you and your SO are around? My position is, if you're religious you can practice it all you like so long as it does not intrude upon my lack of belief. If it were my family, and they kept it up, they wouldn't see much of me. Some folks just can't seem to give up their false religious entitlement "rights" to judge others.

Heya brewer - yeah it kinda sucks. When I first came out to them, I thought I could handle the religion talk - and in a way, I can. It encompasses so much of my parents' lives that to ban all talk of church and the activities therein would be to miss most of what's happening in their lives. It isn't like they try to convert me every time I see them or anything - there's just this general tension. Most of this is actually sprouting from a conversation with my mom a few weeks ago where I brought it (tensions surrounding my atheism) up casually, not meaning for it to stem into a big emotional "why don't you believe what we've taught you" conversation. But it did.

It occurs to me typing this - perhaps I should tell them that if they want to keep talking about their church lives to me without me objecting, they should let me talk about my atheist journey without having to launch into a debate.

All I can say is that cutting family ties is usually a bad idea. If they do it, there is not much you can do about it. If you do it, then that burden of choice is squarely yours. Ultimately, nobody involved will be happy about it. The only exception would be if someone is being particularly nasty about it and that does not seem to be the case.

Best advice I can give you is to simply just be yourself. You are still you. Your beliefs have changed, but you are, as you say, still the same person. Keep on doing that.

In time, as they grow accustomed to the new reality, the praying and worrying and hand wringing and pearl clutching will dwindle into a kind of background noise and day to day life will be as before mostly. If they really want to invest time and energy on useless prayers that, to you, is water off a ducks back. You don't have to sit through them, do you? If some family member tells you about their prayers, just say "That's nice" and move right along.

Nah, cutting family ties is definitely not on the table, for me or them. I'm really thankful for that.

I'm looking forward to the fading into background noise for sure. They don't make me sit for prayers, thank goodness - except for meal prayers when my SO and I are at their place. But yeah, I try to take the "we're praying for you" as an extension on "we love you," or as a "we're thinking of you." I know it comes from a similar place.