Science + Creation

[downbeatplumb]

"You aren't a Christian, let alone Catholic,"? What the hell is this supposed to mean? You aren't really christian unless you're catholic?

No, of course not. If I thought Christian and Catholic were synonymous, that sentence would make no sense.

Christians believe all sorts of things about the Bible. The only denomination with which I can certainly say there is a "problem" with interpreting everything allegorically is Catholicism, the largest and oldest Christian denomination, which still represents a majority of all Christians.

Literary analysis is really most of what you need to know what parts of the Bible are allegory, but yes--the "definitive sage" as you say, is the Holy Magisterium, those leaders of the Church who are the direct successors of the Apostles themselves (especially St. Peter). There are 3 pillars to the (traditional) Christian Faith: Sacred Scripture, Sacred Tradition, and Holy Magisterium. There are thousands upon thousands of Protestant denominations because they all claim to follow "Sacred Scripture" but since they eschew the Magisterium and Tradition there is nothing to keep their beliefs on track--the whole basis of Protestantism is breaking off with those who disagree with you. If you are a liberal you can make up liberal beliefs which suit you, and if you are a conservative you can make up conservative beliefs which suit you, and there are even things like "atheist Christians" or "objectivist Christians" etc.

I personally don't think there is much ambiguity at all. "You are Peter and on this rock I build my Church". There is only one Church which even claims succession from St. Peter, and it just so happens to be the very same Church that existed throughout the Classical and Middle ages before Protestantism.
Peter means rock in Hebrew so it is perfectly possible that this quote is actually jesus making a bad pun.
Also the Bible is not a book, it is 72 books....but no, not all Christians do use the same books in their "Bible". Protestants use a bit less, and various Orthodox churches use more.