how do you forgive yourself?

[spelbynder]

I can completely appreciate this question, as it is one that has haunted me for most of my life.

The key to this is the realization and acceptance that you cannot undo what has been done, but you can affect what has not yet come to be. Focus on what you can do, rather than on what you cannot. Strive to act consistently with your values.

Yeah, that makes it sound so simple, doesn't it? But that is where it starts - redirecting your thoughts away from regret and towards recovery. It isn't easy.

Seeing a therapist probably would help get you through this.

You're right, that does make it sound simple. And you're also right that it's not that easy. Yes, I learned from my experience, and I changed my trajectory & made a lot of lives better because of it, but I can't give back that person's life, or give them the love and understanding they needed so badly. I've been to many therapists, but no luck forgiving myself. They all say the same thing you've said. I guess I was looking for some logical, reasonable, intellectual argument for why it's ok to let it go.
I don't obsess on it all the time--mostly only on her birthday and her death date. Maybe that's a small price to pay for the damage I've done. I guess I could just be grateful the guilt doesn't plague me 24/7. Maybe I should just accept that this is how it will be at least twice a year. I guess I owe her that.