I had alcohol for the first time in my life.

[Ryantology]

I learned one of the most important lessons of my life the first time I got drunk:

If you're going to make screwdrivers, make sure you don't end up with a lot more vodka than juice. Otherwise you're going to run out of the juice before you're ready to quit but (this is important) after you're so shitfaced that substituting whole milk doesn't sound like the most terrible idea ever.

Because it totally is!