The War On Men

[thesummerqueen]

I think he started out oblivious. Here's a woman harping on something he obviously agrees with. She doesn't link to her study, so I can't see if she's actually interpreting the data correctly, but she's using all the right buzzwords to make old conservative white men agree with her. She's playing the nurturing Ann Coulter.

If he wants to speak from personal experience, I can also do that. Since chucking out my conservative boyfriend several years ago, I found more and more as the years went on that a good deal of men respect and are attracted to bold, intelligent, independent women. Certainly my man now scooped me up not because I was "feminine" enough, but because I pull my own weight, I contribute monetarily to the household and I'm supportive of his hobbies, which have nothing to do with power drills. He does the same for me. It is a good feeling, knowing you are in a relationship in which your partner approves of and supports what you want to do, and above all is committed to making the partnership last through teamwork. This isn't accomplished by expecting certain roles from someone. It happens by agreeing upon what roles you both would like to take - that requires discussion and compromise. This way no one feels put upon.

Because I'm actively contributing to the finances, he doesn't feel like a beleaguered working man with a woman to take care of. He has more time for both of our pursuits, which enriches me as I have someone there sharing and bolstering me instead of worrying what everything is costing. In short, our life is better for us being equals. Our quality of life is better, because with two educated people contributing, we can afford more, do more, and learn more. We play our opinions and thoughts against each other. But he's already one up on you, A Theist, as he feels his arguments have to stand or fall on their own - he isn't automatically right because of age or gender.

To the general crowd, if it works in your relationship for the woman to be a homemaker and you both feel positively enriched by it and satisfied, fucking go for it. But it shouldn't be a decision some woman from a crackpot news station makes for you, or a decision society makes for you either. Or even your husband. A home is something you create together, and so is a marriage. Doing it any other way is bullshit. If you can't find a man who appreciates you, as a woman, for being independent and opinionated, you're looking in the wrong places. It's not because there is anything wrong with you, unless you've got a bad attitude and are a bitch about it. But that has to do with being a nasty human being, not being an educated woman. If you're a man and you feel like you can't find a woman to play that 50's housewife, either you're also looking in the wrong places, or maybe you need to be just a smidge skeptical about why you want that feeling. If it's because you feel unmanned by independent women, I suggest you find a therapist, not a wife to demean and look down on.

For the record, not that you asked, A Theist, I actually do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. I do it because I take extreme pleasure in the first, and because I rather enjoy most aspects of the second. It's not because I was raised with the expectation that I should do this for my man, and he sought me out for the same reason. It's because I'm a bit of a control freak in some regards. He has a later schedule than I do, though, and different days off, so it's also part of what we have worked out. On the flip side, my man is entirely capable of doing both of those things when I need or want him to, and is happy to do so, even happy to do it *exactly* the way I want it provided I communicate with him.

And that's the basis of having a happy marriage. Communication and understanding yourself and your partner, your desires and goals. It's about feeling like your efforts are reciprocated. It is NOT about fitting into defined patterns or socially accepted norms set up by people who don't know you and don't know your situation. It is NOT about listening to Fox News and the harpy women who write for the crypt keepers that own and work it.

Teddy Roosevelt said "Comparison is the thief of joy." Wiser words were rarely spoken. If you continue to pattern yourself against some fictional or idealized vision of society, you'll fuck yourself and your happiness all up. Live your life being happy. If that means the man takes care of the kids and the woman is the breadwinner, I'm happy for you. If that means the woman stays home and the man works, good for you. If that means you both work, then huzzah! But that has to be the decision you are both happy with, and made because you think it's best for your relationship, not because it's "what's expected" or because your goddamn Bible told you to.