Anecdotes about the shape of your morality

[Fruity]

My parents and pastors wherever I lived controlled what I did and how I thought. I actually believed they could read my mind and I was afraid of thinking anything that could bring shame to my family. If I almost (note, I said almost) let a boy kiss me, my guts began to hurt for days until I felt I prayed enough to wash me of my sins. My mom always said, "Take good care of your testimony. It takes years to build a good one, but it only takes a minute to bring it down." So, I couldn't talk to boys if there was not another person present. I couldn't listen to "secular" music, no going to the movies, no magazines, no pretty clothes, no speaking or thinking insults, no masturbation, no going out with friends ever, etc. If it wasn't pure, it was filthy.

I said this before in another thread, but when I was six I witnessed a man rape his daughter. He made me watch the door so nobody came in. He threatened me to do the same to me if someone came in and caught him. I hated myself forever for not being able to save her and for not sacrificing myself for her safety. My prayer every night before bed until I was 19 years old went like this, literally, "Father in heaven, forgive me for all my sins. Thank you for life, food, and my family. I beg for you to protect Israel. God... you know what I want to say and I can't say it. But, I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for being what I am."
For being what I am... because I hated men. I hated men for so long I thought I was lesbian. Sure, I liked a boy here and then, but mostly they made me gag and I was attracted to girls. I discovered I wasn't later, but I still liked women. My conclusion was that I was doomed to hell. I lived my life trying to win God's love. I even registered in an institute which turned out to be a convent. I had to escape because they were... sick.

My parents always told me to question everything preachers said. They didn't show me how to do that. They just bought me tons of Christian books and always engaged in Christian debates around me that I turned out to be pretty rebellious when it came to accepting view points. So, as a result, I began to question their view points as soon as I left the prison (cough), er, institute.

Now I think for myself. My morality is shaped by myself, my experiments, my research, my feelings, my conclusions about what others suggest, but me, me, me. I'm done being controlled to the bone. I'm done being controlled in my mind. That's the reason for my signature here.

Edit to add: When I say I discovered I wasn't, I mean I wasn't lesbian, but yes attracted to girls. In other words, I was bisexual.