I'm just not sure

[Hello]

I was raised in a very religious family having two religious grandparents who had adopted me and many preachers/missionaries in the family. Lately though I've been getting the feeling that... well that I just don't believe in god anymore. I remember the first time I ever questioned the reality of a god was when I was 6, my cousin and I were playing outside at our great grandfathers house (he lived near a school which had a pretty awesome playground). After we played for a while we were taking a break sitting at the picnic tables I told her how I don't remember what brought this up but she told me "god talks to me every night in my prayers, you should pray and listen" I told her "That's wrong god doesn't talk to you!" and to my disbelief I WAS wrong and god WAS supposed to speak to me when I pray. That night when I prayed I only heard myself in my head, no god, no angel, no Jesus... nothing but myself and so I thought for the longest time that god hates me. Skip a few years (17 now) I always found myself thinking "What if god wasn't real?" or "What would happen if I died and heaven wasn't real?" I haven't been to church in years now, my grandparents have just stopped asking me to come but I have a fear of calling myself an atheist. I always fear that if I call myself an atheist or finally take the steps to becoming one that god would strike me down on the spot or do something to make my life worse. Has any experience atheist here ever had the feelings of fear or regret when you were thinking of taking the stops to become an atheist?