Children and punishments

[bennyboy]

In this case, a spanking or a very loud "HEY!" would be better. The child can still associate discomfort with the stove, but without the parent pointlessly risking the child's wellbeing.

LOL! They very loud "HEY!" I agree with, and even picking them up and moving them away from the source of danger, would be a good solution. But spanking? Hurting them so they don't get hurt? Spanking them harms them just as much as a burn from the stove. One teaches them "If I do that mummy/daddy will hurt me." the other teaches them "Better not touch the stove, it'll hurt." Which is the better lesson? Which one that will actually be of some use when they're in a situation where mummy or daddy aren't there to hurt them?
What kind of morals are based on "That's wrong because mummy or daddy will hit me!"? Not very good ones. No wonder jails are full of people who were spanked as children.

First of all, let's start with jails. That was a dumb comment, unless you have numbers proving that. I think for the most part, most people in jail probably had parents who were too busy with their own problems (or with making an income), to adequately guide the child. If you want to demonize people who use spanking, you need to put up some meaningful links or stats.


In my opinion, children who live in a gray area are the most stressed. These include parents who alternate between wishy-washy and draconian, based on their mood of the day. They also include parents who negotiate punishments-- giving second chances, allowing solemn promises to delay the onset of punishment, etc.

Here's a conversation of the worst parent ever:
Kid: I want a toy!
Parent: No. You may not have the toy.
Kid: But I waaaant the toy.
Parent: No. You didn't do your homework, so I will not buy a toy for you (makes a new rule on the spot, out of the blue)
Kid: (shrieking) But I waaant it. I waaant it. Waaahhhh.
Parent: Okay. . . do you promise to do homework next time, if I buy the toy today?
Kid: *sniffs* Okay!
Parent: Okay. . . get the toy
Kid: *never does the homework and turns into a douche for life*

Here's a conversation of one of my kids:
Kid: I want a toy!
Me: No, not today.
Kid: I waaaant a toy!
Me: Watch it, buster. I said no, and that's the end of it.
Kid: (shrieking) I waaaaant it.
Me: Next time you scream, you get spanked, right here, right now.
Kid: But I waaaaaannn *thwack! thwack! thwack!*
Me: Listen. I love you, give me a hug. *hug* If I tell you to stop doing something, you stop, okay buddy?
Kid: *sniff* Okay, Daddy.

Each of my kids had this conversation with me about 2x in their lives.

Here's a conversation of a "liberal" parent's kid (seen through my eyes obviously):
Kid: I want a toy!
Parent: No, Skyler. You haven't earned enough "happy points" to get a toy.
Kid: But I waaaaaaant a toy!
Parent: I don't like this behavior. If you keeping doing it, I'm going to take away 3 "happy points."
Kid: (shrieking) I waaaaaant it.
Parent (2 hours later): Okay, Skyler. I'm taking away 3 happy points because I didn't like your behavior in the mall.
Kid: (not comprehending what's happening because a 2 year-old can't comprehend delayed punishements or rewards well) *confused*


I'm not condoning beating as a regular form of moral retribution. I'm saying that a strong response once or twice in life, if done right, will save a lifetime of confusion and negotiation. I don't EVER spank my kids now-- because I don't need to. I just raise my voice a little, and they scamper off to do what they're told, having been conditioned to fear my disapproval.

As for results: my daughter is happy, popular in school, and placed 3rd in a violin competition in Korea (i.e. a big one). She's "Daddy's girl," shares many of my hobbies with me, and smiles very often. My son is three, never has tantrums in public, and take pride in helping take care of our new puppy, or in helping us do chores. Instead of whining all the time, he attempts to get attention by engaging me: he'll bring items of interest (to him) into my room to talk about. If I tell him I'm busy and he has to leave me alone, he will go tell his mother about it, she'll distract him, and I will go play with him when I'm able to. No drama, no kicking and screaming. No headaches.

There's one more part to this: I was often put in the corner or given the "silent treatment" as a kid. I felt confused and unloved. I didn't see the punishment as a "time out" from playing-- I saw it as a "time out" from the love of my parents-- and to me, that's much more cruel than a couple of quick swats to the backside. I'd NEVER neglect a child in that way.