I've been an atheist for around a year now, and lately I've had some major issues with my OCD.
Okay, so I've never actually been diagnosed with OCD by a professional; it's more of a self-diagnosis, but I have a bunch of weird habits and I obsess of things. When I say obsess, I mean obsess about things. I freak myself out and then the worst part comes, I begin to doubt my own convictions, to the point of irrationality.
What if I am wrong. What if there is a god who is named YHWH and really does want a relationship with me. What if I'm just missing something. That one puzzle piece that would make everything make sense.
I'll play devil's advocate and look at the theistic arguments and apologetics and try to put myself in their shoes, and it all goes downhill. Suddenly I feel like thinking rationally is a bad thing, that faith is a good thing, that we just have the "believe" and "accept" and it will all be fine. That god has it all in control.
One of the biggest things that bothers me is that I wonder if there's answers out there to atheistic arguments, ones that would destroy atheism. I just haven't come across it yet. All my arguments against Christianity are actually moot, and there's answers for them all. Or that maybe in like 30 years I'll get some crazy divine revelation and suddenly convert and become a Christian.
I can't get this off my mind, no matter what I do. I try going for a run and feel the breeze on my face and then my mind starts telling me that it's the "breath of god" or some shit like that. Ooo how the world is so pretty praise Jesus and whatnot.
And if I stop looking at theistic arguments my mind tells me that's cognitive dissonance....that I know god exists but don't want to worship him. It's so confusing and I don't know what I believe, let alone know.
It's like I can't seem to shrug the emotional lens of Christianity off me. It keeps me from feeling good about being an atheist. I feel guilty instead, like I should be doing something to honor god.
Well why would god even want glory, my rational mind asks me, but is quickly taken over by irrational thoughts, like maybe there's an explanation for it. Maybe god wanting glory and worship isn't bad. Maybe it isn't egocentric. He is god, right?
It's insanity.
Okay, so I've never actually been diagnosed with OCD by a professional; it's more of a self-diagnosis, but I have a bunch of weird habits and I obsess of things. When I say obsess, I mean obsess about things. I freak myself out and then the worst part comes, I begin to doubt my own convictions, to the point of irrationality.
What if I am wrong. What if there is a god who is named YHWH and really does want a relationship with me. What if I'm just missing something. That one puzzle piece that would make everything make sense.
I'll play devil's advocate and look at the theistic arguments and apologetics and try to put myself in their shoes, and it all goes downhill. Suddenly I feel like thinking rationally is a bad thing, that faith is a good thing, that we just have the "believe" and "accept" and it will all be fine. That god has it all in control.
One of the biggest things that bothers me is that I wonder if there's answers out there to atheistic arguments, ones that would destroy atheism. I just haven't come across it yet. All my arguments against Christianity are actually moot, and there's answers for them all. Or that maybe in like 30 years I'll get some crazy divine revelation and suddenly convert and become a Christian.
I can't get this off my mind, no matter what I do. I try going for a run and feel the breeze on my face and then my mind starts telling me that it's the "breath of god" or some shit like that. Ooo how the world is so pretty praise Jesus and whatnot.
And if I stop looking at theistic arguments my mind tells me that's cognitive dissonance....that I know god exists but don't want to worship him. It's so confusing and I don't know what I believe, let alone know.
It's like I can't seem to shrug the emotional lens of Christianity off me. It keeps me from feeling good about being an atheist. I feel guilty instead, like I should be doing something to honor god.
Well why would god even want glory, my rational mind asks me, but is quickly taken over by irrational thoughts, like maybe there's an explanation for it. Maybe god wanting glory and worship isn't bad. Maybe it isn't egocentric. He is god, right?
It's insanity.
