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August 11, 2014 at 11:13 am (This post was last modified: August 11, 2014 at 11:16 am by Ben Davis.)
(August 11, 2014 at 10:45 am)FallentoReason Wrote:
Firstly, I'd like to say that it's been a while since I've been here! I guess long story short, I decided about a year ago to stop questioning life and actually just live it for now. This led me to sink into apatheism indefinitely.
Anyways, the reason why I've come here to post again, is that I've got a bit of a crisis. Like most people, I want a family, and this means that eventually I will have to find the girl - a.k.a. "the one" - that is for me. But over the last couple of years, meeting new girls is something that has happened once every 5-6 months, if that (maybe a bit of context about me might help here: if you don't remember, I'm 23 and a full time engineering student. I also play in a band, and the rest of my time is devoted to working/socialising with friends). So with such a low rate of meeting new girls, it hardly seems like finding "the one" will be something that can just happen without me having to try.
This leads me to where I'm at now. I had a sort of revelation recently that led me to think in a new way. Long story short, I don't see the problem with approaching someone completely random who I think is attractive (say e.g. at a cafe) and making myself known, perhaps by making a witty/cute comment that will grab their attention.
I've tried this over the last week, and have gotten 4 out of 4 girls' numbers.
Now, here's where my crisis begins.
I thought this was the answer to my problem; that I just need to start being more pro-active and make things come about instead of waiting for some miracle. But then discussing my revelation with a couple of friends kind of undermined my new mentality. They completely disagreed with what I was doing because they thought a potential relationship with one of these girls would have a completely artificial foundation, and thus wouldn't be an enjoyable/genuine relationship, because I created the circumstances for us to meet.
A brief discussion with a separate friend completely left me destroyed and hopeless, after he said that I should make my intentions known asap [with one of the four girls I'm currently interested in] and hold her hand/kiss her next time, because I'm fast approaching 30 years of age. I guess what I didn't like about his advice was that basically I need to quite literally act desperate and try establish a sort of early relationship with her. I don't feel like that's the right way of doing things, but then there's the whole "friend zone" business that I think he was alluding to.
I'm not sure what you guys are meant to get out of the above. Maybe I've just vomited a bunch of thoughts that don't make sense.. but yeah.. I guess that would actually be accurate because I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that I want a family someday, but getting there seems like one in a million right now.
Howdo FTR, welcome back!
Firstly "I play in a band" and "meeting new girls is something that has happened once every 5-6 months" seem incompatible to me. My hit rate was never higher than when I was performing. Only 1 lasting relationship out of it but hey, that's not what I was in it for at the time
The first bit's simple. It sounds like your new approach is not only fun but you obviously have the self-confidence to pull it off: 4/4?! That's success right there! Ignore the comments about 'artificial foundation'; there's nothing 'artificial' about introducing yourself. The only way you meet new people is that you introduce yourself or are introduced to them. If you want to have any say over the people with whom you interact, you introduce yourself. Simple.
The second bit's the toughie. How long should you leave it before you 'go for it'? Well, I would say that you should move to a 'dating' phase fairly quickly. Imagine if a stranger came up to you, used tactics that are consistent with relationship-building but then didn't ask you out. How would that leave you feeling? It's not 'desperate' to move quickly. Ever had a one-night stand? Just keep in mind what you're after (people to date with a view of a serious relationship) and act in a manner consistent with the urgency you feel to fulfill that need. Many people >25 find that honesty about relationship-ambitions is not only an expected conversation, fairly soon after the dating stage begins but a necessary one. Just not on the first date! Keep the references light at first then develop detail as the relationship develops. If it's too fast for them and they're honest, they'll let you know. Also your age doesn't really have much to do with it, unless there's a big age gap and even then that's not necessarily a problem.
You sound like your well on the right track. Good luck!
